It's official, I'm a Twit.

A twit is, for the sake of definition, "a silly annoying person".  Having read some Twitter posts, I'm not surprised this is the name Twitter's founders came up with.


With that said, however, I have joined the dark side.  I am now a Twit.  Check out @nerdy_fat_guy for proof of my twitty goodness.  If you can.  I honestly have no idea how to find somebody's Twitter feed in all the thousands of profiles out there.  If you know, please tell me.


I just want to fit in.  

(This, of course, means I need to get a new phone, since I apparently can't download Twitter to my ancient Crackberry.  And posting when I get around to it does tend to remove the spontaneity of the whole genre.  Might be a problem.)

Tastes (Kinda) Like Chicken, Looks Like The Lower 48?

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my food to look like food.  Sure, it's a well-known fact that I enjoy the little cheese crackers with the peanut butter in them, and that color does not occur in nature except to scream 'poisonous!', but they do look exactly like they're designed to.

On the opposite side of the coin, what's the deal with chicken nuggets?  First it was McDonalds, and now it seems everyone is jumping on the 'that's-not-shaped-like-food' bandwagon.  I don't eat McNuggets, but on occasion, nuggets from other fast food icons make a quick and tidy snack when I'm on the run, and they're all shaped the same. Some of them look like Minnesota.  Some of them are shaped like animators used to draw pork chops back in the 1940's.  Some of them are shaped like paramecia.  Some of them have no rhyme or reason whatsoever, and they're only benefit is the ability to fit neatly into a vat of barbecue or sweet-and-sour.

I get the dinosaurs, the stars and the other amusing kid-friendly shapes, because we want our kids to eat something besides paste and scabs.  But unless you come out with the full fifty state nugget pack to teach them geography, it seems wrong to pick on one or two.  And 50 nuggets would just add to the growing childhood obesity issues in this country, especially dipped in honey mustard.

Round is good.  Shape them like drumsticks, I'll be happy.  It's an extrusion, you can't tell me these are the only shapes we can come up with.

Does that look like a McNugget/New Hampshire to you?

I mentioned my curiousity about this to someone the other day, and they sent me to this article about genetically engineered ground meat.  That's right, scientists are developing cell structures that will grow a hamburger without ever needing to be farm-raised, slaughtered or butchered, and it won't create the mass amounts of greenhouse gas expelled by real cows and chickens. 

This makes perfect sense to me, that half of the meat we consume is already ground, so why not remove the animal cruelty from the picture?  I love the American farm and the American farmer, but I've read much on the environmental impact a single cow can have on global warming, and how each cow produces 1/16th the meat-to-pollution ratio of smaller animals like chickens.  And now, everyone could grow their own meat.  I'm on board.

The only tragedy here?  Every day I don't finish my old novel is a day that my imaginary happenings become closer to truth.

Damn.  I wish I had some of those cheesy peanut butter crackers.

Blast from the Past - Haiku

January's a busy time around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.)  As such, I don't have the time to rant anew - at least not in print.  Being as we are four months from my cresting (and subsequently being 'over') the hill, it seems only appropriate that I share with you some crotchety posts from the past.

This dates from early 2006, when GERD was the word...

Indigestive Haiku

I

i lie here awake
now my stomach tortures me
churning endlessly


II

i can barely breathe
the acid climbs and won't cease
all i feel is pain


III

why did i eat that
when I know it brings me pain
anger makes it worse


IV

now my brain joins in
overload of stressful thoughts
my goals never met


V

restless endless nights
sleeplessness my constant foe
i think im going mad


VI

pain just grows and grows
im taking purple pills now
they dont seem to help

Do you dream in color?

I've said it before, nobody pays me to say nice things about their products. Therefore, if I talk about something here, it's from the heart.

My friend, Sarah J. Bradley, is celebrating the release of her first novel, 'Dream in Color'. Through the miracle of the Internet, I just finished listening to her on Milwaukee radio, despite being 1300 miles away in Florida, and I can't express how happy I am about this book.

I met Sarah in a writer's workshop sponsored by the Waukesha Parks & Recreation department 13 or 14 years ago. She's insightful, intelligent and funny, and I've always enjoyed reading her work. She also has a borderline unhealthy obsession with Rick Springfield, but we mock forgive her for that.

When she started work on 'Dream...' six years ago, it felt good. It felt right, that Sarah found the perfect outlet for her voice and had truly built on the education she gained from her first and as-yet-unpublished novel. You can check out an excerpt at her publisher's site, Wild Rose Press. The book can be purchased there, or from Amazon and Barnes & Noble. She informs me that the book will be available for electronic download in the very near future if that's your preference, as is mine normally. This one, I want to make sure I get it signed. Make sure you check out her daily blog, too. She's got a lot of insight for writers and a great sense of humor for everyone else.

Just don't let her talk you into harassing me about my as-yet unfinished books. That wouldn't be very nice.

The SPITWAD Chronicles - I'm not as well-read as you might think

There are some fantastic modern American authors. There are also prolific American authors, whose books keep showing up at the checkout at Target. I don't read those, since I don't have a thing for chick-lit (or Chiclets - what's the point?). But the classic 'modern American author', if I can be allowed the oxymoron, is rare to find.

The down-side to having my Sony reader, if there is one, is that I don't go to book stores and browse anymore. While I still find great authors accidentally, bumping against their work when I seek out those that I know, it's rare.

And in the sudden demise of Jerome David Salinger last week, it suddenly, after nearly 39 years of NOT reading Catcher in the Rye, means I must now seek it out. Being that I haven't been a teenager for nearly 20 years, and seeing as I was far from the typical teen back then, will it's angst and sexual charge be lost on me? I can hope not. I can also hope I won't be let down by the hype. Was it a classic because it was so controversial and frequently banned, rather than due to the prosaic stylings of Mr. Salinger himself? I read Rushdie, and love Rushdie, but have never touched The Satanic Verses, since even the author will admit it isn't his best work. (Yes, I know Rushdie is Indian, not American. Still an author.) I can hope I'll enjoy it, given that I recall enjoying a Salinger short story in high school, and though it runs slightly into a Mamet play I read in college, I can cite most of the details.

Understandably, given as Salinger stopped publishing in 1965, and all but disappeared from the public eye some time in the 80's, I believed him to be dead. Catcher was published when Salinger was 32, and with rare exception, I like to believe that successful authors aren't published until later in life.

(This delusion allows me to delay finishing my own great American masterpiece. Procrastination works much better when you can justify it.)

Updike? Dead. Asimov? Dead. Steinbeck? Dead. Vonnegut? Sadly, dead, though the gifts he's left us carry on. Daniel Keyes? NOT dead.

So there's that.

Fun Fact Friday - Paint Your (Band)Wagon

Wednesday, when I devised a fiendish plan for wealth and world domination, my friend Sarah (buy her book on March 19th!) indicated she would like onto my bandwagon. Sure, the bandwagon needs fundage to grease the wheels, get the wagon rolling, so to speak. But really, just what is a bandwagon, anyway? And why should we be jumping onto it so willy nilly?

The term originated in the mid-1800's right here in the good old US of A, when politicians would announce their arrival into town for the campaign season by riding atop a circus wagon populated by a loud, (and probably out-of-tune) brass band. To show their support of said politician, lookers-on would run into the road and climb aboard the wagon. I envision this looking much like the busses and trains in third-world countries, where buying a ticket doesn't necessarily guarantee you a seat inside.

Using a circus wagon over a century ago as our nation was expanding and really coming to fruition, is it any wonder that the term 'political circus' has remained in vogue? And sure, the classic circus featured a band, but certainly not as prominently as some other three-ring denizens...

Coincidence? I think not.

Random Acts of Thursday - My Low Resolution Makes Me Blurry

I have never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I cannot resolve to do less of the bad things and more of the good things, my willpower just doesn't roll that way. However, I can resolve the following:

I resolve to be nerdier than ever in 2010. Put your thinking caps on, there are quizzes to be answered and perhaps more prizes to be won.

I resolve to be as amusing as I can possibly be to satisfy the needs of you, dear readers. More reminiscing about the fat kid I was, and more amusing anecdotes from the fat guy I am.

I resolve to eat more pie. We're less than a month away from National Pie Day, you know...

I resolve to go on being as perfect as I already am.

Here's wishing you a safe and happy New Year's Eve. Remember, it's amateur night. Designated drivers and couch crashing are the in thing.

Happy Boxing Day!!!

Our great nation succumbs once again to the ogre of commercialism today, scarcely spending 24 hours with our loved ones, remembering ever so slightly the birth of our Lord's son as we stuff our faces with ham, pickled herring, salted nuts and Jell-O salad. Today is far more Christmas-like than the rainy gloom Wisconsin has bestowed upon our visit the past few days, as it snows gently as I look out to the countryside outside my mother-in-law's home.

Elsewhere, though, the burgeoning crowds line up to return their gifts, along with an assortment of used roasters and mysteriously stained tablecloths that they're certain were that way when they bought them.

Two seasons working retail the day after Christmas have hardened me. What can I say?

Enough of that, though, as we now move on to last week's winners! I could have hoped for more competition (since that would have meant more followers as well), but how could I go wrong with three strong respondents?
In first place, scoring 80% PLUS answering the Bonus Question, Nej is the Winner Most Exalted of the Mo's Bacon Chocolate bar by Vosges. Merry Christmas!!

In second place, we have a tie! Yet another Christmas miracle. Ah, to bestow bacon-y cheese upon my friends, it warms the heart. Both Bev and Sarah scored 65%, and still an impressive score since you faithful quizzees know I don't pull punches with my questions.

Of course, these winners would be so without prizes, and you should be reading each of their blogs as regularly as possible.

Dare I post the correct answers? (Dare! Dare!) Because I'm about educating you about the trivial bits and bobs of the world, here are the correct and preferred answers to the quiz:

1) Which late Canadian actor starred in films about both Thanksgiving and Christmas, among his other works? John Candy (Thanksgiving: Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Christmas: Home Alone)

2) Which American actor starred in one of those films after playing a supporting role with him one year earlier? Macaulay Culkin (Uncle Buck before Home Alone)

3) What does 'Mele Kalikimaka' mean, and what film brought the Bing Crosby version of this song to a new generation of listeners? It's Hawaii's way to say 'Merry Christmas' to you! The song featured in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

4) Far more well-known, White Christmas is nearly synonymous with Bing Crosby. In which two films did he perform this song? Holiday Inn (1942), and the eponymous White Christmas (1954)

5) Name two other films where the song is used in its recorded form. Mother Night (based on the Kurt Vonnegut book) and Bye Bye Brasil

6) Identify the actor who played Adolf Eichman in one of those films, in addition to playing another Nazi in an earlier movie. (Check previous 'RAoT' posts for a hint...) Henry Gibson played the voice of Adolf Eichman in Mother Night, in addition to being an Illinois Nazi in the Blues Brothers (also starring John Candy, by the way.)

7) How many bottles of Frooney Green Eye Wash would one need in one's medicine cabinet to qualify for the beautiful silver tea service and a night on the town with Alfred Hitchcock? One would need ten bottles of eye wash, in addition to answering a simple question, which I believe may have involved rugby.

8) After playing the Devil (hereinafter known as George Spiggot), in what 1987 film did Peter Cook play a far holier character? The Princess Bride, wherein Cook played the minister.

9) In which 1985 film did Dudley Moore, Cook's frequent collaborator, play one of Santa's elves? Santa Claus - the movie

10) As if playing Santa Claus in that film wasn't a big enough role, what 'big' character did David Huddleston go on to play? Jeffrey 'The Big' Lebowski

Bonus Question: Anita Ekberg's portrait graced Krilenku's hideout in From Russia with Love, her mouth concealing an excape hatch.

I don't know about you, but I thoroughly enjoyed our little Quiz-mas. May your days be merry and bright, and may your day after Christmas, like mine, be white.

I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working.

Last week, Courtney (oka WhiskeyGirl) awarded me a bloggy awardy thing. Of course, since, like Miss America, there are duties to be performed as part of receiving the award, I put off posting this.

(And unlike Miss America, nobody has sold photos of my youthful indiscretions to Bob Guccione. Thank goodness!)

I am supposed to write 7-10 facts about myself then pass the "Kreativ Blogger" award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. Yeah, good luck with that. I'm trying to gain readers, not alienate the ones I already have by boring them to death.

1) My favorite SkyMall gadget is my automatic garage door closer. I have the OCD and it wasn't uncommon for me to turn around after I got a mile down the road to go back to the house and make sure I closed the door. This gadget will close the door automatically after two minutes, but it's off right now until mowing season is officially over so I don't lock myself out of the house.

2) I'm also afraid of locking myself out of the house.

3) Even though I took eight years of conversational French, I have never had a full conversation en francais outside of those classes.

4) I've never met an olive I didn't like.

5) I have a hat exactly like the woman in the Kreativ Blogger award.

6) I am easily distracted, and unless you have my complete attention before telling me something, I probably won't remember you telling me. Ask Lori.

7) Despite the fact that I will talk to complete strangers about absolutely anything, I have horrible social anxiety when I'm not in complete control of the situation or actually need help with something.

8) I often make jokes solely for my own amusement, knowing full well other people won't always get them.

9) I finish other people's sentences and answer questions before the entire question has been asked. Again, ask Lori. This frustrates her to no end, mainly because I can't explain how I know what she was going to ask me.

10) After going to a barber religiously for most of my life (and almost weekly for 10 years) I started cutting my own hair three years ago.

Don't you feel better, more complete, at one with the world for knowing these things?

While I could never force this on anyone, it was actually quite cathartic. These are a few of the bloggers whose writing always impresses me, usually amusing and educational at the same time. Because I'm a nerd that way:

That Kind of Girl - Her concept is brilliant in its simplicity. Think outside the box, go outside the box. Report on the results. I don't know anyone else with her kind of guts.

Sarah J. Bradley - Is a phenomenal writer, whether it's her long pieces, including her upcoming novel release on April 2, 2010 (she doesn't pay me to say this, I'm just excited for her), or her daily observations. She divides her time between two blogs, but both are worth a look-see.

Mjenks the Indefatigable - Totally blowing shit up today, teaching us Latin, and usually classes up my semi-educational posts with some additional factuality.

Rochelle Bilow - Man, I love people with a passion for food, people who can evoke a mood or a meal with their words alone. Rochelle is one of those people. Check out her older stuff, too, at Sexy Girls Eat.

Yes, I read tons of other stuff, too, and enjoy it greatly. However, I don't want to overload your brainpan, we'll save others for another day. If you're curious about what else I find amusing, there's a blog crawl on the right if you scroll down, you can check out the latest and greatest.

And no, I will not share the photos of my youthful indiscretions.

But thanks for asking.

Sunny Funday Foto Festivus

We already know I have the photographic skills of a deformed tree sloth with the DT's. Well, thanks to Bev, you get to visit some of the other shortcomings in my life. Namely, my 'office'.

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but there's a reason I do most of my writing on the laptop, either sitting at the coffee table in front of the television or at the kitchen table. Having a secure wireless network in the house is a great blessing.

Yes, in lieu of a desk, I was typing on top of my (fully stocked) wine storage fridge.

In the closet of my office.


I don't take all the blame for this, though I suppose it is much my fault. I am a hoarder, though I reduced the number of useless things I save before we moved to Florida. Doesn't change the fact that we don't have a basement.

This pile consists of both Lori's and my collected library of a few hundred volumes, many hardcovers; many of my childhood collections; Lori's lighting rig for when she converts her office to studio space; assorted holiday decorations (including enough ornaments to decorate five trees), extra kitchen chairs, luggage, drapes, unhung artwork, empty bins...
And portions of my bone collection.

Feel free to revel in my crapulence. I do have a desk, it's currently in a dozen pieces in the garage until I can get it sanded, polished and laquered. Eventually, there will be 'after' pictures. Prepare to be amazed, just don't prepare too quickly. For contrast, check out Lori's office just so you know we're not just crazy 'shack-and-manifesto' people.

On a completely unrelated note, is it just me, or are they running Christmas ads earlier than normal this year? Couple that overload with yesterday's 80-plus sunny, breezy weather, and I'll be lucky to get in the holiday spirit at all come December.

Serenity now.

Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy, vol 2

Welcome to another exciting edition of Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy! We here at ANFG Industries are always pleased to offer our services to you, the faithful reader.

Sarah, from Waukesha, Wisconsin asks: "Lutherburger? I'd like to have the breakdown of ingredients, please, because I'm a fan of fattening meat based foods and BACON is king of all food!"

I had no idea my mention of the Luther Burger would prove quite so popular. Named for R&B legend Luther Vandross, the concept is fiendish in its simplicity. A bacon cheeseburger on a grilled Krispy Kreme bun. Of course, this calls for the original Krispy Kreme, I can't imagine what a filled donut would do to the griddle.

But we could find out.

On an unrelated note, it turns out that Luther Vandross' middle name is Ronzoni. Like the pasta.

Sven, from Pipestone, Minnesota asks: "Donut? I thought it was spelled 'doughnut'!"

Again, laziness prevails, and while both spellings are correct, the shortened and 'Dunkin' version of the fried dough is more common in these our United States.

Luther, from Edison, New Jersey writes: "That burger looks good. Any chance you could whip one up for me right now? Also, where can I get a copy of Sarah's newest book?"

While I fully intend to make some of these over the weekend, I doubt they'd ship well. However, at only four ingredients (five if you go a la Holstein), it should be simple enough to do yourself.

Sarah's book, 'Dream in Color', will be available here on April 2, 2010. Keep watching the website though, they already moved the release date up three weeks!

Remember! ANFG, a subsidiary of CDS Enterprises, is here for you and all of your nerd-related questions.

Reader's Remorse - a bloggy confession

I don't read every blog to which I subscribe.

Sometimes a writer has a beautifully crafted witty post, followed by clunker after clunker. Sometimes a writer has a beautifully crafted witty post, followed by months of silence. Maybe I started following the blog because the author stated a well-versed opinion or relayed a humorous anecdote in someone else's blog comments. In some cases, I just started following because I thought Lori would enjoy it, and because I don't remember they're there, I never bothered to show them to her.

I just deleted three more, and the list is down to 40 blogs. Forty. The big four-oh. That still seems like way too much to keep up with. I am bleary-eyed and my brain hurts trying to remember even what many of the blogs are about.

But I'm sure I didn't delete your blog. I like you, I really like you. If you post regularly, and I get much enjoyment from what you post, I'm sure I'm reading everything you put out there.

Really.

Random Acts of Thursday - Serif's up, dude!

You would think, being a nerd and all, that I'd be an all-purpose nerd. However, turns out I'm quite the nerd snob. Role-playing games? You sir, are a complete and utter geek of the furry-toothed variety. Same goes for the ren-fair guys in tights and pointy shoes. This doesn't go for ren-fair babes, because the rennaissance was apparently cleavage-enhanced. In fact, anything you do on the lines of nerdy will be judged and judged harshly if your nerdliness isn't the same as my nerdliness. You will be placed firmly on the 'get a life' short bus with no hope of parole, unless you're a cleavage-enhanced ren-fair babe.

That said, as much as I like to read, and as much as I respect the art of the graphic artists who develop and refine fonts and nerdily enjoy when the books I read have a blurb about the font they used and who created it, some people really need to get a life.

There was an article on Time Magazine's web page last week about how Ikea fans and graphic designers AROUND THE WORLD are up in arms about the retail mogul's decision to standardize their font.

Apparently at Ikea's inception, they modified a standard font set, Futura, just enough to make it uniquely theirs, something that whispered 'Ikea' into the collective ears of the world, and have been using it in all official Ikea-font capacities for 60 years. Now, in order to standardize publishing worldwide, they've gone to (collective gasp here) VERDANA. The horror! A corporation standardizing in order to save money in these economically-troubling times?

(I should note here that I am an economics nerd. Big time. I should note here, also, that Verdana is also my choice of fonts when I write these little tomes for you, oh faithful reader. Please don't think any less of me for choosing to dumb down my font choice to something so mundane. Perhaps you might like my blog more if I were to publish using this?)

But really. In this day and age, as much call as there is for graphic art and unique marketing tools, is it really earth-shattering that Ikea chose to use a standard font to maybe, just maybe, save us all fifty cents on a Bjork table lamp? Do we need entire web forums dedicated to this madness? Apparently so.

To which I say, 'Get a life!'

Nerds.

When the legend becomes truth, print the legend

Some of you have discerned, or outright read, that I am an erstwhile novelist. Given my drive for follow-through, I started the concept of my first novel back in college, and I have about 100 pages of what once was genius, and has since degraded in my mind into insane drivel. The one constant, and one that seems to get me some odd looks from time to time, is the 'microcows' tag on all of my various web identities (just look up! There it is!).

In 1996, I attempted to dramatize the idea that standard cattle are a burden on the planet. However, I would never suggest we stop raising beef or dairy cattle, because steak, butter and cheese are some of the finest gifts we've received from the food gods. Instead, I figured if we could raise smaller animals, spaniel-sized cows, and each family would get just the amount of milk they could consume in a day. In the third-world absence of refrigeration, a cow could feed a village for a day, but nothing would go to waste.

Of course, in 1996, the Information Superhighway was Google-free, and was really just an Information Two-Lane Paved Road, with a few strip clubs and Ask Jeeves bordering the gravel shoulders. Now, in the knowledge overload of 2009 Internetitude, I can look up anything and find 200 relevant videos on YouTube, including the Jack-in-the-Box commercial I witnessed this morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut0WDb-xzks&feature=player_embedded

Of course, after this added a little joy to my morning - sorrow-laden, but joy all the same - I saw there was actual, documented proof that microcows really exist, they're not just a Castro-related myth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De3XjqPVa0g

Sorry I can't figure out how to embed the videos here for your enjoyment, but please follow the links, at least the first one. I'm just going to go be sad that I missed my opportunity to be cutting-edge while I'm mowing my lawn.

I guess that only proves that I'm insane

The joy of weather is that if you don't like it, give it a minute and it will change. Despite the beautiful drive to work yesterday, it was a rather moist, windshield-free ride home. Even stopping under cover to wait for the storm to pass didn't help, because I'd just catch up to it again. I was a bit damp by the time I pulled in my driveway.

But it was still a great ride.

I have to share some fun things from my newest friends at International Bacon Day, because bacon is our friend. In any language.

Bacon in Many Languages
English - Can I have some Bacon?
Dutch - Kan ik wat Bacon hebben?
French - Est-ce que je peux prendre du lard ?
German - Kann ich etwas Speck haben?
Greek - Μπορώ να έχω κάποιο μπέϊκον;
Italian - Posso avere certa pancetta affumicata?J
apanese - 私はベーコンを食べてもいいか。
Korean - 나는 약간 베이컨이 있어서 좋은가?
Portuguese - Posso eu ter algum bacon?
Russian - Могу я иметь некоторый бекон?
Spanish - ¿Puedo tener un poco de tocino?

Also, while I have not always been a big fan of true love, I did finally find mine. Some day, I'll get around to posting my former opinion of the big TL, 'Just Another Fairy-Tale Notion'. However, true love does mean that you can joke about it a little. Check out The Oatmeal's "Six Reasons Bacon is Better Than True Love", and maybe take the quiz to see if your loved ones are just fattening you up to eat you.

Happy Saturday!

Apostrophical Power

So it's Tuesday, not WeNerdsDay, but after perusing my homepage and seeing how many news stories are using apostrophes in the headlines I thought I'd mention it here.

I have been a grammar nerd from time to time, and certainly have been on the side of the righteous when it comes to the its/it's debate, but this is larger than that. Perhaps sarcasm doesn't need its own font (though I still like the concept of reverse italics), it just needs apostrophes.

Simply by applying apostrophes to a simple headline, the whole meaning is brought into question. It's the little differences. Example:

The new retirement plan versus The new 'retirement' plan

The whole meaning is brought into question. Amazing how two little marks can introduce so much doubt, suspicion or doublespeak to a simple sentence.

Iran 'releases 140 demonstrators' versus Iran releases 140 demonstrators

Really, if you were a demonstrator, which headline would you prefer?

Other people are often wiser than me, why not take advantage of their wisdom?

Just a few things to share for the day, insightful and creative things that I couldn't put better myself...

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." Robert Anson Heinlein (via ckck)

If only I'd known these things sooner...

And in case you haven't figured it out, I enjoy bacon. (best commercial quote from the radio this morning: "How can I get my wife to be more like [this preferred brand of] bacon?") Being into the savory things in life, I am rarely attracted to chocolate in purest, Hersheyest form. I prefer the daring flavors. Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!

The DL on the CL

I've always viewed Craigslist with a bit of a skeptical eye. Though I'm a hardline moderate, things like Craigslist and Birkinstocks make me feel like a radical right-wing conservative. (For that matter, I'm not even going to look up how to spell Birkinstock, for fear it shows up in my browsing history.)

However, we did manage to part with a few overbearing, out-of-style, unused pieces of furniture, and replace them with more stylish pieces for a good deal less than retail. Oh, and Lori got her half-manniquin there. And we've met some nice people as they collect our cast-offs, or we collect theirs.

The winning argument for the greatness of Craigslist came a few weeks ago, when I found my dream desk - an old-school Steelcase. $50 seemed a bargain, since once refurbished, these desks sell for closer to $1500, and I'll keep sitting at the kitchen table for that much money. Sadly, even at $50, I have better things to spend my money on, like that urgent-care visit and the industrial-grade antibiotics for my week-long fever that seemed to kick in about the same time as the desk turned up, so I just figured that the time wasn't right and moved on.

Sunday, I got email from the seller telling me that if I wanted the desk, it was mine. Nobody had claimed it, and she needed the 500-pound monstrosity out of her garage. It's mine! All mine!

Now, it's not pretty, but I was looking for potential, not perfection. There are roller marks in the paint, some of the handles were painted while others were not, and as you can see from behind the chair, not all of the desk was painted.

The red does NOT work with the genuine imitation walnut-grain Formica gracing the top, either.

This does not faze me, since I've been told by my lovely wife that I need a hobby. Desperately. Soon. As in NOW. For my own good and the safety of others.

The goal is far loftier than the above picture suggests to anyone but those with the most discerning eye for diamonds in the rough. The 'after' picture, herein provided by a stunt desk, hints at what I hope to accomplish with my less-than-stellar handyman skills and sketchy follow-through:

Oooh, shiny! I love, too, that my double-sided desk (unlike the single-sided model above) has the deep file drawer on one side, disguised as two single drawers for a remarkable sense of symmetry (like cutting off your other thumb).

The CL truly can rock from time to time. Oh yes, it can.

Similarities between this and a blog are purely coincidental

Not much going on today, so it seems the perfect opportunity to shill for my friend Sarah. Her first book, Dream in Color, is coming out next April, but you can read the first few chapters of her other book here before it gets published. I've known both of these novels since they were random pages in our writers' group, and watched her nurture both through many inceptions.

In addition to 'Dream in Color', Sarah sees so much humor in her everyday life, and is funny and insightful. Go check out her blog.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking of making posole this weekend. Despite the 90+degree weather and 100% humidity, I've really been in a comfort food mood, I'm sure its the stress of it all. Soup, stew, lasagna, potatoes, I'm craving these sorts of things. If it works, I'll post the recipe.

****UPDATE**** I made a variation on the posole with chicken, and it was everything I thought it could be. You should make a batch to enjoy while reading Sarah's blog. After you've read mine, of course.