Nothing to see here.

Move along.










I'll be back, but not much writing's going on right now.  Forgiveness, please.

Random Acts of Thursday - Wherein I bare my soul to the movie gods

Some of you may have figured out I'm a bit of a film nerd.  Some of you may recall that I keep a list of the films I've seen, which currently numbers well over 700 (and I keep finding films I forgot about seeing until they cross my path again....)  It suggests that I've seen a new movie every 2.5 weeks since birth.  An impressive waste of good time, and that doesn't count the films I've watched ten times over or more, like most of the James Bond oeuvre, 'Mad Max', any Eastwood western or Dirty Harry film, and 'The 39 Steps'.  It's a wonder I get any sleep at all.

However, this is my list o' shame, films that I want to see, or probably should see, lest I be called out on my total lack of film nerdiness.  I've seen bits and pieces of a few of these, but never start-to-finish.  And that's just sad.  Worse, even if any of these show up on IFC or AMC, I'll be forced to sit through commercials and that's not happening, kids.  Even the ol' DVR can't get me past those breaks in continuity.

Vanishing Point
Be Cool
From Dusk til Dawn
Citizen Kane (it's been saved on the DVR for months)
Natural Born Killers
Blood simple
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
North by Northwest
Rear Window
The African Queen
Chinatown
The Two Jakes
Evil Dead
Dawn of the Dead
Night of the Living Dead
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Pennies From Heaven
Paper Moon
Gypsy
The Rose

There are probably more, feel free to mock my unworthiness below.  Also, gift subscriptions to NetFlix are quite welcome, feel free to click on the 'donate' button to the right.

Beeeeeeeeep....(do televisions still make that noise?)

We're experiencing some minor difficulties - technically, anyway.  Your regular blog-reading experience will return shortly.

I remember getting up early, early early, very very early on Saturday mornings sometimes, expecting to get a jump on my cartoon-watching activities.  Some mornings, I'd catch the farm report.  Some rare days, I'd get a screen much like the one above.  The television would just 'squeeeeeeeeeeeee' at me like so much alien technology, mocking my cartoon-deficient life.

Kids today have it easy.

You can't go to Eddy's again

I spend a lot of time thinking about food.  It's possible I spend more time thinking about it than I do eating it.  And, like other areas of life, it would seem the Chinese restaurant experience of my youth is quickly disappearing from the American landscape. 

I miss Eddy's Place, the weekly destination of my youth.  Eddy is a family friend, as is Rosie, his long-time waitress.  I very nearly proposed to Lori there, but got nervous when we walked in to find my parents sitting at a corner table.  (I did ask, and she accepted, later that evening.)  We have an afghan on our sofa that Rosie gave us as a wedding present.  Since Eddy had been pushed into closing by his landlord, he and Rosie came to my sister's wedding, and it was a joy to see them again.  This is not a typical restaurateur-client relationship, and I'm okay with that. 

Eddy's was not exactly unique in my childhood.  There were four or five other Chinese restaurants of the same sit-down variety that made their way though our dining spectrum, and only one little delivery place.  There was no such thing as the 'Super Happy Steam Buffet of Overcookedness' in my childhood.  I always got a placemat that told me what my zodiac sign meant, and strangely, it's pretty dead-on for me.

There were always egg rolls and egg foo young, and later, dozens of potstickers.  (Due to that family friendship, I have a dozen or so of Eddy's potstickers, frozen for later consumption and made by the man himself in his own home kitchen as a gift to my parents.)  There was custom ordering, combinations that didn't exist on the soy-stained paper menu.  When we were children, my sister would order milk, and since she was, apparently, the only customer who ever ordered it, Eddy would have to send someone across the street to the tiny grocery store to buy some.

As time has passed, I've watched those sit-down restaurants disappear.  In their place, buffets of questionable quality and tiny carry-out places have cropped up.  Lori and I tried yet another buffet last night, hoping for something of higher quality than we got.  So awful was this place, with multi-colored light bulbs, and a scratchy PA system that broke out into the traditional 'Happy Bursday To You' at one point (yes, bursday.  Really.) and the too-common steamed beyond recognition food, that we'll never go back. 

With few exceptions for the high-priced Chinese-Restaurant-As-Fine-Dining places, most of the sit-down places have fallen to disrepair, fish tanks empty or covered in algae, ceiling tiles falling down from unattended roof leaks.  Now, most of the places that will sell me carryout belong to families or corporations that have purchased the Chinese restaurant kit, advertised as 'New York Style'.  These places, in Wisconsin, Florida and Ohio (and I'm sure...your state has them, too...) have the same menus, the same pictures of pre-staged dishes, the same chairs with fan-patterned vinyl, usually green but occasionally pink. 

What they don't have is the same charm of the neighborhood restaurant, a casual family-owned place where the kitchen is hidden, where traditional music is streamed through bad speakers, and where I might even get an odd mix of Chinese-style and American dishes, like a plate of carrot sticks and olives, or the option to order a hamburger.  I've never ordered a hamburger at a Chinese restaurant, but it was comforting to know it was there.  (I spent years with our daughters ordering chicken strips at the Mexican restaurant, so a hamburger at the Chinese place would have opened up our family dining options a little more before their palates grew.)  

When I Google Eddy's Place for nostalgia's sake, the restaurant now comes up with his home address.  I can even see it on Google Stalker View.  Maybe this means I can go to Eddy's again.

He won't mind, I'm sure.

I see bad movies showing...

I see trouble on the way...

Or is that dead people?  Nope, I just see bad movies.  Often.  At least more often than I should.

Despite being a movie geek, I do not watch the Oscars.  The Great and Powerful Bev does, however, from the alley behind her hotel this year.  It's not as seedy as it sounds, really.  

I have mentioned in the past that I am continually attempting to catalog the films I've watched over the years.  At present count, it seems I watch a different movie every three weeks.  Around 18 unique films a year.  That makes the assumption, of course, that I started watching films at birth.  And it doesn't take into account those movies I've watched five or ten times or more.

Surprisingly few of those films are bad.  And by bad, I mean nearly unwatchable.  Films that couldn't be improved by gratuitous nudity.  Films I will avoid on television if there's anything, including the home shopping channel, to watch instead.  And I like my television.   

Sure, some of those films were endured for the sake of our daughters, but I watched them nevertheless and I'll never get those 99 minutes back.

I only bring this up because Judge Dredd was on the teevee last Sunday.  And not only did I watch it in painful entirety, but a) it wasn't the first time I'd seen it and b) I actually used my beloved cable provider's rewind feature to catch up on parts I missed.  What might be worse?  It's entirely possible I paid money to see it the first time.

And somehow the film didn't seem any better this time through.  Great actors like Max von Sydow, Jurgen Prochnow and Joan Chen were apparently made offers they couldn't refuse, appearing in such schlock.  Rob Schneider?  Expected.  Completely expected.

Loser has to watch The Hot Chick...

And sure, everyone is allowed a clunker now and again, as long as they've made quality cinema the majority of their careers.  But somehow Sly Stallone is bordering dangerously on that bad actor lifetime achievement award.  Rocky XXVII? Lock Up?  Tango & Cash? Oscar? Rhinestone? The thespian stylings of Lieutenant Marion Cobretti?  No amount of Rocky or First Blood can undo the crapfest that is Mr. Stallone's career as a whole.

Could be worse, though.  If I hadn't subjected myself to this, my other option was Billy Madison.  And I just couldn't endure that. 

For a fifth time.

Random Acts of Thursday - Dan Aykroyd - Angel of Death?

As many of my regular readers know, I've watched a film or two in my day.  Recently, it dawned on me, while watching 'The Dark Knight', that a lot of actors have passed before their time was perhaps due.

(Okay, so a number of them pumped their bodies full of enough drugs to mellow the western hemisphere, but that's beside the point here...work with me.)

In particular, I started running down my list o' dead celebs, and it became rather apparent to me that Dan Aykroyd might be the Angel of Death.  Among his soon-to-be-dead co-stars are Chris Farley, John Candy, John Belushi, Tupac Shakur, River Phoenix, Jack Lemmon, Phil Hartman, Anna Chlumsky...wait, she's not dead.  I never saw 'My Girl', but somehow I had it in my head that she died.  Did she die in the movie, or was that Macaulay Culkin?

Anyhow.  Lots of dead folks piling up around Dan.  Not saying it's his fault, just saying that's a lot of dead people.

So this week's quiz is a little morbid, but bear with me.  Two parts to this: first, match the dead actor to the living.  Each list contains both.  With only one exception, I've tried to avoid scenarios where both actors are dead but screws fall out every day - the world's an imperfect place.  Next, identify the film which starred both actors.

An example:  Heath Ledger (B, dead) starred with Christian Bale (1, living) in 'The Dark Knight'.

A) Alicia Silverstone
B) Heath Ledger
C) Jet Li
D) Dudley Moore
E) Christina Ricci
F) Chris Farley
G) Harrison Ford
H) Sharon Tate
I) Kevin Bacon
J) Rodney Dangerfield
K) Marilyn Monroe
L) Steve Martin
M) Bruce Lee
N) John Belushi
O) Dan Aykroyd

1) Christian Bale
2) Raoul Julia
3) David Spade
4) River Phoenix
5) Tony Curtis
6) Aaliyah
7) Joe Pesci
8) John Candy
9) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
10) Bo Derek
11) John Candy
12) Tupac Shakur
13) Brittany Murphy
14) Mia Farrow
15) Chris Penn

Simple, yes?  It's supposed to be fun, kids.  Don't kill yourself over this.

Random Acts of Thursday - Picture in Picture

I remember when I bought my first television, it came with Picture in Picture technology.  Oooh, fancy.  Now I could watch two shows at once, as if my attention span needed the encouragement to swap between shows.

It seems the same is true of film.  I am sick of 'remakes'.  True, without remakes, we wouldn't have gotten Airplane!  But I don't need to see Jackie Chan and Will Smith's son remaking 'Karate Kid'.  I don't need to see Adam Sandler in 'The Longest Yard'.  Nobody needs to see Marky Mark in 'Planet of the Apes'.  And I love the Coen Brothers, but I'm so conflicted about their remake of 'True Grit'.  However, a number of films pay tribute to those who came before without imitation. 

Below are twelve films that have been flashed on screen in later movies, a way for directors to pay homage to classics without needing to lift the script and hand it to some ham to destroy while the original directors roll cartwheels in their graves. 

Your job?  Name the film that shared the original with brand new audiences.

• Rambo
• Casablanca
• Rio Bravo
• Touch of Evil
• Goldfinger
• Spartacus
• Miracle on 34th Street
• Captain Blood
• Watership Down
• Myrt and Marge
• It's a Wonderful Life
• Gilda

Name two movies that feature video stores, though no actual film footage is ever seen.

Name two movies that feature fake films as part of the main film's plotline.

Name two movies that feature 'themselves' in the film.

And really, kids, I can't say it enough.  If you don't recognize these, get out and watch some more movies. 

Fun Fact Friday - Shoot That Poison Arrow

First, some business.  

First, I've been unfollowed.  Perhaps it was the blatant sexism sexiness of my holiday blogs.  Perhaps whomever unfollowed is offended by the thought of Free Bacon.  Obviously they weren't of the open-minded, intelligent ilk represented by you, dear readers.


Second, on the topic of Free Bacon, Movies and Artwork (not necessarily in that order), there's still a contest to be won.  You've got until tomorrow, and right now I only have one entry with a single question answered, so there's hope for you yet.


We now return you to your regularly scheduled Fun Fact.  Note the artful use of parentheses throughout.  And not just so I could prove I can spell 'parentheses'.

Growing up in Milwaukee, with a neighbor who worked for Miller Brewing back in the day when the employees were paid in beer, I was exposed to alcohol at a young age.  (Not surprisingly, when I Google 'Lots of Beer', the first photo of someone actually drinking was proudly taken at Milwaukee's lakefront.)

Now that it's New Year's Eve, and I'm an adult, I will have a tipple or two before I toddle off to bed around 9:15.  (Hey, I'm a party animal!)  I certainly won't be driving, since yesterday's freezing rain had me sliding from the top of the lot to the bottom at the office, and I don't need a repeat of that.  Thankfully, the OfficeMax driver asked me to move my icebound car before, and not after, he slammed into the side of it with his truck.  (Not so thankfully, I'm still not sure of the damage I may have done to the car myself when I was stopped by the snowbank.) 

speaking of party animals, how about that guy with the candle in his skull?

As a child I also had a ratty, worn copy of 'Ripley's Believe it or Not!', a double-sided paperback edition, that taught me what it meant to be intoxicated: 

intoxicate - early 15c., "full of poison" (pp. adj.), from M.L. intoxicatus , pp. of intoxicare  "to poison," from L. in-  "in" + toxicare  "to poison," from toxicum  "poison" (see toxic). The verb meaning "to poison" is first attested 1520s; meaning "make drunk" first recorded 1570s (implied in intoxicated)

Specifically, Ripley stated that to be intoxicated was to be shot with a poison arrow. 

To that point, I found a shot called The Poison Arrow, and it's a perfect dare shot for your New Year's festivities:

Poison Arrow Ingredients:
1 part Lime Cordial (Rose's Lime Juice)
1 dash Grenadine
1 part Bailey’s Irish Creme

Directions: Fill up a shot glass with lime cordial and add a dash of Grenadine to the top. Now very slowly pour Baileys into the center of the shot glass until the liqueur hits the bottom of the shot. Take a straw and slowly twirl it round so the Baileys twists around the tube. Retract the straw and serve.  (Recipe and photo courtesy of OXM-UK - and yes, there are all sorts of video-game-themed alcoholic beverages out there.  Not that anyone asked.)

Don't that sound tasty?  What this fails to mention is that the lime juice will curdle the Bailey's.  Mmmm, mmm.  Chunky.

Happy New Year, kids.  Don't go messing with any arrows while you're drunk, poisoned or not.  (You'll shoot your eye out...)

The Fun Fact Fat Guy Film Finds Foodipalooza - Expurgated Version

(The one without the gannet...) 

Now I understand from some of you that last Thursday's post might not be (ahem) work-appropriate.  As such, here's an image-free version so you may still win prizes without offending the Political Correctness crowd.


Should you not give a crap, click here.  Either way, since nobody's offered any answers yet, there's still plenty of time to win.

Merry Christmas, kids!  Happy holidays, as well, should you not be of the Christmas ilk.  Winter is upon us and it's time once again for our annual trivial trivia giveaway!  We're currently driving to Wisconsin to be among family and friends for the holiday weekend.

Last year, Nej took top honors and in return, wrote a stellar review of her prize.  You could be next!  Just be the winner of the following scavenger hunt of facts and you could soon be the proud owner of greatness.

This year, first prize is one of a selection of fine art photographs, matted and framed, by Lori Mason Photography.  These works have a retail value of $75, but a current overstock due to our recent relocation means we can offer one of these to you to display proudly in your home or office.  There are a lot of different images, and if you win we'll send you a preview gallery to choose from.    

Second prize is your choice of classic films, all discussed at some point here at Ye Olde CDSe.  First, Leone's classic 'A Fistful of Dollars', a remake of 'Yojimbo!'.  Second, one of Hitchcock's pre-Hollywood films, 'The 39 Steps'.  Or, you can choose 'The Station Agent', one of my modern favorites.


Finally, third prize is that ever popular meat candy, BACON.  Just because it's third doesn't make it less important.  This year, it's Hungarian smoked bacon, enough for two beautiful BLT's or a hell of a lot of bean soup.  You could also opt for Wisconsin-made Nueske's if you'd like your bacon pre-sliced.  This stuff is great under the broiler, and has the true bacon flavor that seems to be missing from many of the store brands.  I fried some of this up to add to a cremini-cheddar risotto last weekend, good stuff.

Now, on to the quiz.  We grade on a curve here at CDS Enterprises, and some of these questions will take some work and creative thinking.  Since many of the questions relate to the previous answer, working in order might be better for all involved.

1) Name two films that featured two future state governors.

2) Name another that featured one future governor and a chimp.

3) Hal Holbrook has never been a governor.  Hal Holbrook has never been president either, but he's played two on TV as well as helping to topple a third in film.  Name two films where his good-guy role turns out to be a front, and he's exposed as the villain (Scooby-Doo style, if you will.)

4) Speaking of Scooby Doo (in an offhand sort of way), explain the significance of September 14, 1985 in music history.  (It has to do, marginally, with the Pointer Sisters and one of their 'upbeat' songs, if that helps.  It went to eleven.)

5) Also on that day, one of the greatest premieres in all of television occurred.  The theme song was originally released by Andrew Gold in 1978.  Name two films to feature Gold's previous hit, 'Lonely Boy'

6) Now that you're all sexed up thinking about the television show mentioned above, maybe thinking about baseball would help.  Who followed Jimmy Blake to the plate, possibly in Massachusetts but just as possibly in California, depending upon who you believe?

7) Speaking of geography, how far is Winnipeg from Montreal? 

8) Who told you that distance?

9) Why is that distance in miles instead of kilometers?  Burma!

(Sorry, I panicked.  I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky, you know.)

10) What do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

11) Finally, which actress was born on the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution, and became a global sensation after starring in one of the great films written and directed by the late Blake Edwards?

Ten questions would have been enough, but this quiz goes to eleven (like the Pointer Sisters).  Eleven answers would be impressive, eleven correct would be even better! 

To keep things fair and above-board, please email your answers here to avoid anyone using your answers to better their cause. 

Winners will be announced January 1st, so get cracking!

Monday Night at the Movies - Couldn't care less about the five nine I'm blowin'

As many films as I've seen through the years, it has become increasingly rare for me to see them in an actual movie theater.  Now with the DVR, I'm even less inclined to go pay $9 to sit in an uncomfortable chair while wearing pants and abstaining from alcohol.  However, my local theater is actually local now, just a few minutes up the road instead of half an hour or 28 stop lights away, and apparently Mondays offer matinee pricing all day.  I might be able to sit through a few more films if they only cost me $5.

We saw RED on Saturday, and while I hoped for more, it was still enjoyable.  And I suppose, what kind of depth of character should I expect from a comic book?  I'll take character development if they want to give it to me, but I certainly don't expect it.

It was an overwhelmingly fun movie weekend for me, besides our little outing to the theater.  Caught an old Agatha Christie suspense film yesterday morning, and followed it up with the Rodriguez/Tarantino 'Grindhouse' double-feature that I recorded off of IFC past my bedtime Saturday night.  Gory, yet amusing.  And it included a 'trailer' for Machete, with Johnny Trejo.  That trailer was made in '07, and Rodriguez has now actually made the movie.  It's on the must-see list. 

Slightly more depressing is the news that Mad Max 4 has been pushed back indefinitely.  This makes me sad since it was to be shot in the same outback hills as Mad Max 1 and 2, and I was waiting impatiently.  They've modified the Interceptor a little, but that just makes it cooler.

And we really need a new movie quote.  Since we haven't done this in months, it's only fair we review the rules, right, children?  Your goal is to guess the original source of the quote below.  No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This is specifically to identify the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

Our survival hinges on one thing - finding someone who not only can fly this plane, but didn't have fish for dinner.
(Which is technically two things, I think, but that's how the quote reads.  Can't help it if it's wrong.) 

Allez guessing, mes enfants!

Random Acts of Thursday - He's Alive!

Not gone, just busy.  Not to worry, quizlings, there will be more to tax your life-wearied brains.

Just in case you were worried.  And if you really, really need something to do, go ahead and click here.  There's unfinished business to attend to.

Oh, and if you're interested (pretend, will you?), there's a wonderful scathing review of my other blog here.  Read it and enjoy.

(And yes, it just dawned on me hours later that today is Wednesday, not Thursday.  Whoops.)

Fun Fact Friday - NFG's In Cleveland Without the Vitamin D

I have a couple of couches, and as a matter of fact, have been known to fall asleep on the loveseat on more than one occasion.

It turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency.  One would find that hard to believe, me, not getting enough dairy?  However, it would seem that adult vitamin D deficiency is relatively common in shut-ins and the institutionalized.  And if you don't think working in an office all day is the same as being institutionalized, you need to wake up and smell the soothing green walls. 

I'm not getting enough sun, eating enough fish or liver, and I apparently need to up my dairy intake.  And apparently as we age, and because the American Cancer Society along with the National Sunscreen Coalition have been harping at us about UV rays, wearing sunscreen actually inhibits the body's natural ability to synthesize Vitamin D.

(I'm already sick of typing 'Vitamin D' but somehow abbreviating it as 'VD' might give readers the wrong idea...)

Vitamin D deficiency can prevent your body from absorbing calcium (hypocalcemia) and potassium from the foods you eat, meaning your body will start stealing those minerals from itself.  I can end up with osteomalacia, or 'adult rickets'.  With my BMI, I don't think brittle bones are a good thing.  Apparently, it could also be driving my RLS.  See?  I'm not kicking Lori in her sleep due to suppressed rage, after all.  Proper vitamin D levels could also help prevent certain cancers.

So what then, is an appropriate level of solublized Vitamin D?  From the office of 'Well, duuuuuuh!', the Vitamin D Council suggests that the minimum level is 2 1/2 times that which was recommended by the doctor's office.  I don't know what my hypochondria is going to do with this conflicting data.

All I know is that I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

An observation

I'm not sure if you see the recent crackdown on condiment abuse in your neighborhood, but in mine they've grown quite serious.  There is an allowable 'nugget-to-sauce' ratio that cannot be breached.  Want barbecue AND honey mustard?  Too bad, that'll cost extra. 

Are the youth of today getting a sugar buzz from downing sweet-and-sour shots after school, high-fructose corn syrup coursing through their veins?  Is there a rash of tomato-based meth labs spreading across the heartland of America that we can no longer have ketchup pumps in plain view?  What's next, are we to provide our name and address, photo ID's checked and double-checked if we ask for two jellies with our English muffin?  Black-market counterfeit ranch dressing dealers in the back lot of Wendy's?

Where does it end???!?!

Evenutally, I think we'll see the grocery store bagging our condiments in plain brown paper.  And I don't want to live in that world.

Unless, of course, there's some real money to be made in black market condiments.  If so, I'm there.

Movie Mania Monday - Fear not, little ones!

It's been a long, long time.  I'm such a sight.  Though I doubt I'm looking better than a body has a right to.

Busy, busy times at the Chez NFG.  But we're trying, and you, dear readers, have stuck with me.   Shows you're not a fickle lot, and I appreciate that.  It's barely been two weeks that I've been away, but it feels much longer.  At least in that time I've managed to get an Ohio driver's license.  And only three visits to the OBMV to do so!  I think it's a new record.

And as it's been over a month since the last installment of movie quote trivia, let's recap the rules, shall we?  No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

The problem!  It's happening again!  I need fruit!

Allez guessing!

Fun Fact Fruesday - I'm Cracking Up

This is a tirade.  I won't go into detail on the Herculean ordeal of trying to get an Ohio driver's license.  I won't even go into detail as to why I urgently need an Ohio driver's license, or why Florida sucks. 

And Florida does, indeed, suck like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

And no, this isn't a tirade about the Dyson guy, either.  But really?  Seventeen years researching vacuum cleaners and their shortcomings?  Guess who doesn't get invited to many parties.

...besides me, smartass. 

No, this is a long-overdue rant regarding one of my favorite childhood snacks.  Cracker Jack has been part of the American landscape since 1893.  In 1912, Cracker Jack started inserting prizes into their boxes, like cast metal figurines, pinball machines, marble mazes and Duesenbergs.

Crackerjack used to mean 'something pleasing or excellent', back in old-timey days.  Those old-timey-ers didn't set their standards very high, apparently.

But today, following the never-ending saga of OBMV* disappointment, I opened a bag of Cracker Jack to ease my weary soul.  Instead of a whistle or a stealth jet, I got a pencil topper.

And even that sucks.  It's the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

When I was a lad, a wee youth, a 'pencil topper' was a fancy eraser, like my green Frito Bandito, in all of his politically incorrect erase-y goodness.  He smelled of failure, like all good erasers should.

What did I get today, though?

A piece of freaking paper with slits in it.  Wow, Cracker Jack, thanks for trying.  Way to phone that one in.  Didn't strain yourself with that mental effort, did you?

That bag of Cracker Jack, with peanuts that simply refused to commingle with the popcorn, cost far more than I should ever have to pay for a snack.  And on a bad day, getting a temporary tattoo or a prismatic magnifying glass or Miss August 1998 would have brightened my day, at least a little bit.

Even the 'fun fact' is far from fun.  Even the kids who ate paint chips while we were growing up know that pencil 'lead' is graphite.  That's not fun.  And I think I know fun facts. 

On further investigation, it seems I don't even own a pencil.  This day just keeps getting better.

In summary: Cracker Jack is run by cheap, communist bastards.  And I still don't have an Ohio driver's license. But at least I feel a little bit better having gotten this off my chest.

*To clarify: OBMV is the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, not One Bad Mamma Vamma


**Also to clarify:  I checked my trash, and I only paid $1.29 for my bag of Cracker Jack.  But still, I've been ripped off.

Random Acts of Thursday - Still Old After All These Years

I am old.  What's worse, I feel old.  Until this week, I've been able to live in grand denial about my age, 39 being one of the mystical non-ages.  I ignore my crotchety old man tendencies, and still don't leave the house in shorts and black socks, I'm not perfecting a comb-over, and I rarely yell at those damn kids to stay off my lawn.

And I'm not a pop-culture junkie when it comes to celebrity news and such, not at all concerned about LiLo's 24-hour suicide watch or what Mel Gibson has to say to you, me, or the mother of his child.

But I had to shudder when I saw the most recent cover of AARP magazine.  Valerie Bertinelli looks good.  Very good.  One might have a difficult time believing she's 50.  (One might also have a difficult time believing she used to be married to Eddy Van Halen...)  She was one of my few childhood celebrity crushes, and I'd watch 'One Day At A Time' religiously, probably not understanding most of the jokes, but really, really liking Barbara.

 

These types of crushes are not people you want showing up on the cover of AARP magazine.  Not even on the swimsuit issue.

I know, you just shuddered at the thought of that issue.  Or at least I did.

AARP magazine should be featuring active seniors like Betty White, Orville Redenbacher and Morgan Freeman.

See?  This looks right.  But not Valerie Bertinelli.  Can't accept it.

Bo Derek?  Maybe, since she's been an adult the whole time I've been aware of women, but I don't see her lining up for the early bird special or wintering in Sun City, Arizona.  But Valerie?  Certainly not.  No, Valerie should remain ageless, thus allowing me to imagine that I am ageless as well, that I have all my hair and that the paunch isn't nearly as pronounced as it looks from this angle.

 

Other crushes are rapidly approaching the half-century mark as well.  Phoebe Cates? 47.  Kristy McNichol?  Almost 48.  Tatum O'Neal? Nearly 47.

I guess I just need to take this 'old age' thing one day at a time.  Maybe that swimsuit issue isn't as far out as I thought...

Whatever floats your motorboat

We here at CDS Enterprises, a division of Worldwide NFG, try our best to make Cheesehead Displacement Syndrome a mix of culture and humor.  A place where reading makes you smarter, gives you something to think about before you go to sleep at night, and something to discuss around the water cooler, if such things actually happen.

However, it would appear that our target audience and our actual audience don't overlap.  I give you stories about how poultry reproduces, or where SkeeBall came from, educational quizzes from film and music, or a myriad of well-thought rental car reviews, and all you want is this:

Children.  The lot of you.  (Yes, this depiction is in my basement.  No, I didn't draw them.  No, I didn't label them, either.)

I get a fair amount of traffic, maybe a hundred or so hits a day.  For my little corner of the interweb, that's a big deal to me.  But when news came out that Danica McKellar was posing in lingerie again, this time for Maxim Magazine, I couldn't keep up with the hits.  Hundreds an hour from all over the world. 

Do I think any of those viewers even bothered to read the pointed article attached regarding the Erdos-Bacon number?  Doubtful.

So that's it.  Do I take this lying down, accept that people come here for the boobies and nothing else?

Of course not.  That would be selling out, cheapening our message to suit the carnivorous yearnings of a few 12-year-old boys with Internet access.

And we have more moral fiber than that.

Danica McKellar Danica McKellar Danica McKellar.

If it weren't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointments

Hey, kids!  Still busy, and back in Ohio this week.  And sadly, I feel that you deserve far more than a cursory 'slice of life review' here at CDS Enterprises. 

Prepare to be disappointed, because 'slice of life' is all I've got today.  Nothing new to share, nothing witty, urbane, or uber-nerdified.  Just a few things to share with you this morning, brighten your day, keep the ol' NFG in your frontal lobes.

I may have mentioned, once or twice, that until recently my job called for lots of travel.  As such, you've been blessed (or subjected as the case may be) with my ever-popular rental car reviews.  This era is coming to an end, nearly has, as this week's rental car will be the last rental car I drive for some time, if I have anything to say about it.

Enterprise has always been quite kind to me.  Usually when I swing a free upgrade, or an upgrade to an upgrade, I'm quite happy with the result.  Over the years, I've driven SUV's and sub-compacts and may things in between.  However, this week's 'upgrade' is great only in that I know I dodged a bullet.

Those of you who've known me the longest know that I have a thing for landyachts.  Grampa cars.  Tanks.  Some of you may remember as far back as the big blue Impala I named 'Baby' back in 1992.  Most recently, the car was a modest Buick Regal, that I loved and took for granted for nine years, and it repaid me the way few cars do, by starting every day and running like a champ.  A few months ago, I got the itch to get something different, and after facing grave disappointment at the hands of a base-level Chrysler 300, I drove a Grand Marquis.  Once I got past the overwhelming grandmaroma, it was a powerful car, much nicer than the 300.  V8 power.  Bells and whistles.  Low miles and a low price.  I was crushed when it sold before I could get back to give it another look.

Last week, I actually bought a car.  But when I hesitated, balked at spending more than $5 in one fell swoop, the salesman offered me a Grand Marquis as a comparison drive.  I was underwhelmed, Lori was seasick.  Obviously, I did not buy the Mercury.

Which brings me to Sunday's adventure at the Akron airport (slogan: we now have a second baggage carousel!).  Out of mid-sized and intermediates, they 'upgraded' me into a shiny black Grand Marquis.

I feel like I need dark sunglasses and a black suit.  Perhaps an earpiece with a little coiled wire trailing into my collar.  Perhaps a Glock.

It is, in fact, a very nice-looking car.  Very regal.  Very conservative, imperial, and big-brother-y.  I want to like it.  I want to adore it, with its eight-body trunk, its 7 MPG, its bench seat.  It should, in theory, be everything I like about a car.

But I don't like it.  It's squishy.  If I had to describe the ride quality, I could only compare it to lying on a waterbed as toddlers jump up and down all around you.  If I adjust the seat so I can reach the gas, the brake pedal is way too close.  Back up so the brake is the right distance, the gas is unattainable.  The V8 seems doggy, like I'm fighting up any hill I face.  I have to lean halfway across the car to change the radio station or turn the volume down, since it seems to get louder as I drive.  And everything is plastic, aside from the leather seats.  Cheap.  I shouldn't have to open the arm on the cupholder by hand, once I pull the combination lighter/ashtray/cupholder from it's unwieldy spot under the dash.  I shouldn't be worried that I'm going to smack my knee on it every time I step on the gas.  Oh, Enterprise, I'm left wondering what might have been.  And I still have four more days of driving it!  At best, I can only give it a 'C', and that's based in part on my desire to see it do well rather than on true merit. 

And, as long as we're on the subject of disappointment, let's talk about Monday's dinner.

Last time I was up, the owner took me to this great little tavern, where I had an awesome burger.  Real beef, real rare, with bacon and cheddar and onions, oh my.  I went back tonight, and since their sign proudly boasts their ribs before their burgers, I figured, hey: signs don't lie, right?

Wrong.  Again, such high hopes.  They smelled wonderful.  Looked beautiful, glistening under their sweet sauce, promises of slow, day-long cooking taunting me as I fought to get the steak knife through the first slab.  Tough, undercooked (for ribs), and clinging to the bones for dear life.  They really need another few hours in a slow cooker.  Some things just shouldn't be rushed.  I couldn't see abandoning half of my meal, so I brought them back to the room with me.  I may, from the privacy of my own hotel room, with wet washcloths and a roll of paper towels at hand, be able to work my way through them.

The Lyonnaise potatoes, though?  Heaven.  Slightly oniony, very buttery, and golden brown.  The potatoes of dreams.

There you have it, dear reader.  Disappointment all around.  I'll try better next time, promise.

Fun Fact Friday - An' Ahhhh Hepped!

I know stuff.  Lots of stuff, much of it useless, except when it's not.  

So I've been fighting a compulsion today.  I like to be helpful, even if I wasn't asked.  If I know something, I want to share.  However, it really isn't my place to answer questions posed by others on a third party's blog.  Even if I know the answer.

Because I want to be helpful.  And since nobody asks me questions directly, I have to resist the urge to answer questions that weren't asked of me.

Because I know stuff.

Random Acts of Thursday - A Test in Three Acts

First off, let me just say once again that I was remiss in my posting.  Tuesday would have been Akira Kurosawa's 100th birthday, and I missed the chance to do an appropriate tribute.  TCM was running his films all day, but I only saw a little bit of Nora Inu.  Pity. 


However, if I start quizzing you on Kurosawa films, I will hear blog crickets, as I'm doubtful any of you are quite the fans I am, and I'm horrible.  


However, I do have a brilliant little quizzo for you kids today, and unlike most of these, there are ten questions, a simple 10% for each question.  Some characters are timeless.  Like Urkel.  Some are so timeless, real or fictional, that more than one actor has portrayed the character historically.  I believe the record I found was the one time I researched Santa Claus for last December's quizzes, and found that over 600 actors have played the right jolly old elf in the history of film.  These are hopefully easier.


Three actors, one common role.  To make life a little more difficult, several actors show up more than once.   Because they are, after all, actors.  Identify which character each set of actors has portrayed.


1:  Peter Cushing, John Pertwee, David Tennant


2:  Ethan Embry, Johnny Galecki, Anthony Michael Hall


3:  Dean Cain, Christopher Reeve, George Reeves


4:  Barbara Stanwyk, Elizabeth Berridge, Ethel Merman


5:  Val Kilmer, Robert Lowery, Michael Keaton


6:  Kevin Costner, Robert Stack, Tom Amandes


7:  Kurt Russell, Shaun Weiss, Bruce Campbell


8:  George Lazenby, David Niven, Timothy Dalton


9:  Kirk Douglas, Val Kilmer, Douglas Fowley


10: Burt Lancaster, Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell


Let's see your guesses!