Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bunnies and Possums and Skunks, oh my.

And since we've had deer in the back yard more than once since we moved in, it's almost like a scene from Bambi (without the hunter....)  Quincy's come nose-to-nose with a skunk a few times now, and he broke his leash going after the rabbit, so now it doesn't retract like it should.  He sits at the back door staring out into the darkness, sniffing through the screen, and thinks we're dense enough to think he just wants out to do his business.  

The neighbors have a peach tree, and since they've been away most of the summer, the ground is littered with ripe fruit, making the shared boundary of our yards prime feeding grounds for small animals.  Turning on the 200-watt spotlights on the back of our house doesn't faze them, either.  They just keep munching away.  Not that I want to startle a skunk. 

And speaking of skunks, can someone explain to me the biological, ecological reason we haven't exterminated them all yet?  Mother nature overdid the defense mechanisms there.  Sure, they're cute-ish, but waking up at 3 am to a house filled with skunk musk, cute doesn't cut it.  They'd better be our next alternative fuel source or the cure for cancer if I have to put up with that.  I for one will NOT welcome our new skunk overlords, if it comes to that.

Next thing you know, our yard will be playing host to badgers.  And we don't need no stinkin' badgers.  Porcupines?  Why not?  Vernicious knids?  Sure.  I suspect we might even wind up with a flying monkey or two.

Ah, nature.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy - the Sequel (Return of the Fat Guy)

It's that time once again, kids!  Time for 'Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy'!  We here at CDS Enterprises have been besieged by requests for the ol' NFG to put on his answer cap and help you out of a jam!  Questions have flooded in from around the world, though we'll ignore the ones that just want gratuitous pictures of me in my boxer shorts.
Oscar A. from San Jose, CA writes:  Dear NFG - what does a rooster's (ahem) reproductive organ (ahem) look like?

Well, Oscar, I'm going to refer you to the ever popular 'How do chickens do it?' post, recently rediscovered by Muppet porn afficionados worldwide.  Damn that Rule 34.
Speaking of Muppets and the pr0n, Dougie from Vancouver, British Columbia asks:  Dear NFG - have you ever cobbled together the vague plot of a 70's adult film for the benefit of your readers?

Okay, Dougie, we're not really that kind of website.  However, I have talked about the decade of my early childhood before, and referenced a bow-chicka-bow-bow type of screenplay in my g-spot post, found here.  Grab a Molson's and give it a look-see.  Writing of a higher caliber can be found at our sister site, Crappy Unfinished Novel Time.  Sure, it's not very popular, but if the readership suddenly demands it, we can add more to the page.  Who knows, I might even finish something.

Pam from Irving, Texas writes:  Hey, NFG - is it really necessary to use such blatant filler just to maintain your readership?
Oh, Pam.  Of course it is.  Most of this blog is blatant filler.  When the queries that send people here are obviously crying out for more of my fat nerditude, I can only respond by giving readers what they so desparately crave.  That means nerdiness and gratuitious near-nudity.
Do you have a question for the Nerdy Fat Guy?  Click on the icon in the upper right-hand corner of the screen to send me an email.  No question is too obtuse, we welcome all queries.  We here at NFG Worldwide would love to make this a regular feature, and that means your questions are important to us!

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