Monday, October 5, 2009

It's charming how alarming I feel

Our office building is at DefCon2. In an effort to keep better track of us (and to keep the smokers from leaving the back door open for the homeless guy who overnights behind the dumpster), they have added full-time alarms to two of the external doors and our back stairwell. We also have little signs as reminders that klaxons will sound if we so much as touch them.
The signs say ‘Door is alarmed’. Funny, I would have figured they’d seen everything by now. Did someone flash the door? Did someone just tell the door how much it costs to raise a child to age 18 in this country? It is, after all, nearly $300,000, and doors don’t really earn much.
In other news, I’ve been Captain Sunburn since Saturday, thanks to five hours in the Florida sun on the back of Ruby, complete with goggles and bandanna. My face looks like an inverse red panda, white-red-white-red stripes top to bottom. Plus I’m furry and cuddly, so that helps. Sunburn rocks, except for that whole peeling thing. I hate the peeling thing.

On our ride we encountered a mammoth hairy hulk at the side of the road, and both Lori and I had the independent WTF moment (no, not the Wisconsin Tourism Foundation, the other one…). We’ve never seen deer this far south, but it was too dark to be a cow, and too big to be any other land mammal stumbling into the path of oncoming traffic. As we got closer, we saw. It was the front end of a very large wild boar, the back end having been obliterated by what must have been either a monster truck or space aliens.

That’s enough keep me off the country roads at night, even in the car, let alone on the bike. This is why I am encouraging every man, woman and child once again to consume more pork. Wild boar should be showing up on menus. Wild boar bacon, Hogzilla ham. King-size pork porterhouses.
Yum. That's the stuff.

8 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The deer in Florida are really small, from what I've heard. Nothing like the Great Lakes area, where they're cornfed and hulking big.

Even the deer in NC are smaller than I remember up in Indiana, Ohio and Michigan.

Elliott said...

Not sure what the deal is with that, we get larger bugs so we get smaller mammals to offset? I was about $200 shy of totalling my car after a deer strike some years ago, and both daughters have had new front ends put onto their cars thanks to Wisconsin deer.

Bev said...

Sorry 'bout the sunburn, but I think red pandas are super cute!

Mmmm, that's a lotta bacon.

Samsmama said...

Dear gawd, that skin picture is sick! I hate peeling, but in a weird way I love it, too. Nothing like getting a big chunk of skin and peeling away. Sick, I know.

LOVE the new comment format! So much easier!

Mary said...

OMG I am terrified that you saw a wild boar that may or may not have been related to Hogzilla...terrifying!
Deer are small in FL? Wonder why? IS the lack of corn crops and nice people's gardens in which they eat everything even though I live in a very densely populated area where deer should be the least of my problems??

Harmony said...

My eyes are burning from that skin picture..ummm why? Why did you do that? Why did I stare at it WAY too long?

Elliott said...

Bev - mmm...bacon...

Smama - I know the feeling, but I don't get big chunks anymore, just all-over flaking, and I always wind up pulling arm or leg hair when I try to peel, which just adds to the discomfort.

And thanks, stalking me has never been easier.

Mary, we just get a different variety of deer here, I think they're related to a miniature Asian breed. I'm sure we have whitetails or muleys in the north part of the state, but there's not much habitat for them down here.

Harm - I'll take credit for posting the picture, but I can't help the staring. Always keep in mind when you're reading my blog that there are things you can't un-see. Just sayin'.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Here in Temecula, we had Pavement Rehabilitation. Hooked on crack, you know.

Hogzilla Ham?! That is one scary mammal. A definite WTF.

Be nice and share!

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