Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fun Fact Fruesday - I'm Cracking Up

This is a tirade.  I won't go into detail on the Herculean ordeal of trying to get an Ohio driver's license.  I won't even go into detail as to why I urgently need an Ohio driver's license, or why Florida sucks. 

And Florida does, indeed, suck like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

And no, this isn't a tirade about the Dyson guy, either.  But really?  Seventeen years researching vacuum cleaners and their shortcomings?  Guess who doesn't get invited to many parties.

...besides me, smartass. 
No, this is a long-overdue rant regarding one of my favorite childhood snacks.  Cracker Jack has been part of the American landscape since 1893.  In 1912, Cracker Jack started inserting prizes into their boxes, like cast metal figurines, pinball machines, marble mazes and Duesenbergs.
Crackerjack used to mean 'something pleasing or excellent', back in old-timey days.  Those old-timey-ers didn't set their standards very high, apparently.
But today, following the never-ending saga of OBMV* disappointment, I opened a bag of Cracker Jack to ease my weary soul.  Instead of a whistle or a stealth jet, I got a pencil topper.

And even that sucks.  It's the suckiest suck that ever sucked.
When I was a lad, a wee youth, a 'pencil topper' was a fancy eraser, like my green Frito Bandito, in all of his politically incorrect erase-y goodness.  He smelled of failure, like all good erasers should.

What did I get today, though?
A piece of freaking paper with slits in it.  Wow, Cracker Jack, thanks for trying.  Way to phone that one in.  Didn't strain yourself with that mental effort, did you?

That bag of Cracker Jack, with peanuts that simply refused to commingle with the popcorn, cost far more than I should ever have to pay for a snack.  And on a bad day, getting a temporary tattoo or a prismatic magnifying glass or Miss August 1998 would have brightened my day, at least a little bit.

Even the 'fun fact' is far from fun.  Even the kids who ate paint chips while we were growing up know that pencil 'lead' is graphite.  That's not fun.  And I think I know fun facts
On further investigation, it seems I don't even own a pencil.  This day just keeps getting better.

In summary: Cracker Jack is run by cheap, communist bastards.  And I still don't have an Ohio driver's license. But at least I feel a little bit better having gotten this off my chest.

*To clarify: OBMV is the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, not One Bad Mamma Vamma



**Also to clarify:  I checked my trash, and I only paid $1.29 for my bag of Cracker Jack.  But still, I've been ripped off.

13 comments:

Samsmama said...

I was always a little disturbed by pencil toppers. Something about the whole insertion process made me uneasy. I highly doubt the Frito Bandito was craving a #2 up the pooper.

I have about 100 pencils, but no pencil sharpener.

Florida sucks big time. I agree.

Flame said...

A. I haven't had an Ohio driver's license in 5 years. I just make my husband drive me everywhere. But that is another story..
and
#2 I got the EXACT prize when I bought a box of Cracker Jack 2 weeks ago. And it was stale and chewy. And there were like 3 peanuts in it.

My grief is lessened by sharing it with you.

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

That is the shittiest Cracker Jack toy ever, but the kids these days don't have it so bad. Happy Meal toys are way better now than the plastic mitten Grimace puppet from the days of yore.

Frank Irwin said...

A friend of mine was disappointed with her Crackerjack prize just this week.

I loved the Frito Bandito!

I got a piece of graphite stuck in my index finger in the 3rd grade, when I was trying to drill through the point of a pencil with a thumbtack. It was still there when I was in college.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Are you sure it wasn't a booby prize? Even a proper pencil topper isn't that great. A good prize is something metallic, like a pair of tweezers.

Elliott said...

Samsmama? Is that you? Frito Bandito looks a little happy not to enjoy some penetration.

Wait...do you suppose that's why they're called #2 pencils?

Flame - I think this might be the only 'prize' they manufacture anymore. I blame the terrorists and the TSA. Glad I could ease your pain, we're like a dysfunctional support group here.

But stale Cracker Jack is still a crime.

Cul - I forgot about the mitten. Hey! Let's give infants a bright, colorful plastic bag to play with!

Frank...the graphite didn't go under the nail, did it? After getting a few slivers that way, I understand why it's a non-approved torture method.

Gorilla - Again, I blame the TSA for eliminating the metal prizes in Cracker Jack.

MJenks said...

Ah, the Duesenberg, once made in Angola, IN. There's a nice museum over there if you're ever in the mood to visit Angola...like if you've gone completely nuts.

Angela Little...been a while since I thought of her. Ah, that magical year between graduation and grad school...laced with angst, anger, and all the free images of playmates I could pull from the web.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I was raised in Florida and moved to Ohio a few years ago. ... you have my condolences. I feel your rage.

Nej said...

I've never been to Florida or Ohio. Interesting.

A paper pencil topper? Seriously? WTF? That's wrong, just plain wrong!!

Daisy said...

I haven't bought Cracker Jacks for probably 10 or 15 years. Last time I did, the prize was "a book." It was the size of a postage stamp and had four pages in it, I think, and it was incredibly lame. There were hardly any peanuts in it, and the popcorn tasted funny.

As for the Ohio driver's license, you have my sympathy. We've had a few go-rounds with the Bureau too. Fun and games.

Didactic Pirate said...

Serious prize gyp. I'd call those CrackerJack yahoos and give them whatfor, Sir.

Best Kept Secrets said...

I love the picture of the raccoon.

dogimo said...

All of my pencils are #1s.

That prize sucks.

Be nice and share!

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