Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The SPITWAD Chronicles - whatchoo talkin' 'bout?

As I think about what needs to be purged from my unnecessary trappings of youth before we move, I recall that I have the trifecta of Gary Coleman 'Dynamite' magazines. Because everyone liked Arnold. Even though he apparently never learned to sign his name...

But what of the rest of the cast?

Conrad Bain, though 87 years old, is still kicking about somewhere. I'm shocked, wasn't expecting that.

Charlotte Rae, everyone's beloved Mrs. Garrett and a native of my hometown, is also still alive and actively pursuing roles. Honestly, I thought they replaced her on The Facts of Life because she died, not because she simply had the good sense to know when they Cousin Olivered the whole mess.

Then there were the sundry useless characters that wandered through, including Danny Cooksey, once Gary Coleman's cuteness waned.

Dana Plato, of course - dead. Only since 1999, much later than I expected but still...dead. Pity.

Which brings us to today's SPITWAD recipient! Todd 'Willis' Bridges! Prison time, drug problems, uncreatively named bands, promotional wrestling, but the man's still alive. Congratulations, Todd! Way to overcome the odds! This means I can't even feature him on an upcoming Dead Wrestler Trading Card!

Speaking of people and things I figured were dead, Warrant's career certainly outlasted their 15 minutes. I was actually amazed at the number of songs I recognized. Odd, since I don't remember being a hairband fan. And the model and actress featured in their Cherry Pie video, Bobbie Brown, eventually married (and divorced) lead singer Jani Lane.
To be sure, if I'd had to vote, I would have expected another Bobby Brown to be gone years ago, but I suppose we can add him as SPITWAD runner-up. Not bad for a man with a Gumby fade.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

My freshman year of college, we had one of those "modern history" classes and, despite the fact that it was a Catholic school, we had a lecture about pornography vs the liberation of women.

Basically, it was "Not making women wear Amish clothes = good; using tits to sell your product = bad".

This applies because the lecturer brought up the Warrant video for "Cherry Pie". He was talking about symbolism (because, apparently, a bunch of 18-and 19-year-olds couldn't figure out what "cherry pie" was a euphemism for), and, I will never forget this, he actually said "no one can forget the indelible image of a beautiful young woman in a bikini holding a slice of cherry pie at her Venus mound. The debate is whether the image is in good taste or not."

For the next thirty seconds, all I could think was "Do. Not. Burst. Into. Laughter." while he kept droning on about the objectification of women. My attention waned, and then I started imagining my classmates with slices of cherry pie held over their "Venus mounds".

Hmmm...maybe I should have just written a blog post.

dogimo said...

Aw, man. Poor Dana.

Man, when I was a kid I thought she was hot. I was too young to make a play, alas. And next thing I knew, she was in Playboy and the magic was fading fast. Not that I'm knocking her for anything she did to try to beat back the closing-in borders on her life. Poor kid.

Sorry, there needs to be, instead of ***SPOILER!***, a ***DOWNER!*** alert on this comment.

Bev said...

I believe Mala had a Todd Bridges sighting on a Disney cruise a couple of years ago. Further proof that he does, indeed, live.

WV: laydr. As in, if Dana were still alive, Elliott would have laydr.

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