In-Flight and Inexplicable

I travel a bit for work, and since both of our families are in Wisconsin, we travel a few times a year to visit them, too. As such, I log quite a few air miles every year, and despite having a Sony reader along with an extensive physical library of favorites, I still wind up reading SkyMall.

Because how can you not?

I know their game. "These people are trapped in a pressurized metal tube (not Michael Jackson's decompression chamber, in case you were wondering), they're breathing the recirculated expulsions of 200 other passengers, and they're in the most uncomfortable seats in the world. Let's sell them shit they'd never buy at ground-level!"

Really. Some of the worst products I've ever seen, I've seen in SkyMall. Don't get me wrong, one of my favorite Christmas presents came from SkyMall, and now I never have to turn around three blocks from home to see if I closed the garage door. If I forget, it shuts itself.

This does not mean I, or anyone else, needs any of the following:

The Canine Genealogy Kit

For a mere $59.95, SkyMall will send you a Q-Tip so you can swab your dog and send it (the swab, not the dog) to "a professional laboratory" for analysis. They'll compare the makeup of your dog's DNA against the 63 pure breeds they have in their computer to tell you exactly when your dog will develop some debilitating doggy disability. Oh, and they can help get your dog out of jail if he's ever accused of killing doggy Nicole Brown and doggy Ron Goldman.

The Mademoiselle Floor Lamp
Robert Palmer's estate called, they'd like their lamp back. You too, can flash back to 1985, fake Ferarris and pastel-colored blazers with this thing for a mere $375 (plus additional shipping and handling). Part of what kills me about this are the suggestions for additional items you might like when you search for this on the website: A suit of armor? An elephant-head wall sconce? The Ed Gein do-it-yourself lampshade kit?
'POOF' Toilet Deodorizing Drops

This is a classic SkyMall item, but even they realize that no amount of oxygen deprivation and $8 shots of Canadian Club will make sane travelers buy this and they've pulled it from their website. The description indicates it was created for the 'sophisticated and bathroom-conscious', I think it was created by someone who really, REALLY wanted to convince everyone that their shit really didn't stink. Who buys this stuff?