Monday, April 11, 2011

Everything but the oink

Some of you may recall my discussion on organ donation.  Others among you may remember me posting about the Hogzilla family back in Florida.  (I feel there should be some amusing and frighteningly accurate Venn diagram here, so imagine one.  I'm being lazy.) 

Now, the Discovery Channel has decided that we're SO overrun by wild boars that it warrants a weekly series.  We here at CDS Enterprises (a wholly-owned division of NFC Worldwide) think the time has come to actually welcome our porcine overlords.  Like dinosaurs or leprechauns, pigs could very well be the panacea this planet needs.

(I am not anti-Semitic, anti-Islam or anti-any-faith-based-dietary-obedience.  I am anti-vegan, a point you, my regular reader, will already know.  But this warrants mention.  This is not intended as an ethical discussion, either.  If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll have figured out that ethics have no place in vast global solutions.)

Anyhoo.  Depending on which scientific group you believe, we may be waiting until 2018 for swine-to-human transplants, but others think we may see the first of these this year.  We may start off with limited skin and kidney transplants, but porcine physiology has been used to mimic the human body.  I watch Mythbusters and CSI, so don't try to argue with me.  When they harvest the organs and skin from a pig, that leaves loads of nutritional value to be had.  Boars' hair is used to make paintbrushes, and pigs are full of sweet, unctuous gelatin.

And since we're overloaded with saturated fat in this country (mmm, sweet delicious lard), I'm sure some enterprising person could work out refining and purifying rendered pork fat, and we could all drive bacon-scented cars and trucks, heat our homes and offices, burn clean pork fat to generate electricity.  Can you imagine?  And in nations that consider this religiously blasphemous, just think, they'd still be able to survive using fossil fuel for generations longer, thanks to the use of wild boars in western nations.
Pork.  The other cure-all. Now if we could just find a use for the oink, we'd be all set.


Bev said...

I made bacon yesterday, and I'm not gonna lie: I thought of you.

Elliott said...

I'm touched. Not shocked, but touched. Thank you!

MJenks said...

How did I miss this on the first run? It must have been during my "OHMIGODINEEDTOBEINTHELABALLDAYLONGORGETFIRED" stage.

Anyway...I like what you have to say and would like to read more in your pamphlet.

Elliott said...

Full investor packages will be available shortly. Please specify Beta or VHS. All inquiries should be directed to NFG Worldwide headquarters.

Elliott said...

Oh, and I've figured out what to do with the oink - we can use them to prove the existence of the abominable snowman.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of Herbie/Hermie oinking from the Bumble's cave.

Be nice and share!

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