Cheesehead Displacement Syndrome

Nothing to see here.

2011-10-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

Move along.

I'll be back, but not much writing's going on right now. Forgiveness, please.

Bunnies and Possums and Skunks, oh my.

2011-08-30T08:00:00.004-04:00

And since we've had deer in the back yard more than once since we moved in, it's almost like a scene from Bambi (without the hunter....) Quincy's come nose-to-nose with a skunk a few times now, and he broke his leash going after the rabbit, so now it doesn't retract like it should. He sits at the back door staring out into the darkness, sniffing through the screen, and thinks we're dense enough to think he just wants out to do his business.

The neighbors have a peach tree, and since they've been away most of the summer, the ground is littered with ripe fruit, making the shared boundary of our yards prime feeding grounds for small animals. Turning on the 200-watt spotlights on the back of our house doesn't faze them, either. They just keep munching away. Not that I want to startle a skunk.

And speaking of skunks, can someone explain to me the biological, ecological reason we haven't exterminated them all yet? Mother nature overdid the defense mechanisms there. Sure, they're cute-ish, but waking up at 3 am to a house filled with skunk musk, cute doesn't cut it. They'd better be our next alternative fuel source or the cure for cancer if I have to put up with that. I for one will NOT welcome our new skunk overlords, if it comes to that.

Next thing you know, our yard will be playing host to badgers. And we don't need no stinkin' badgers. Porcupines? Why not? Vernicious knids? Sure. I suspect we might even wind up with a flying monkey or two.

Ah, nature.

Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy - the Sequel (Return of the Fat Guy)

2011-08-03T08:00:00.001-04:00

It's that time once again, kids! Time for 'Ask the Nerdy Fat Guy'! We here at CDS Enterprises have been besieged by requests for the ol' NFG to put on his answer cap and help you out of a jam! Questions have flooded in from around the world, though we'll ignore the ones that just want gratuitous pictures of me in my boxer shorts.

Oscar A. from San Jose, CA writes: Dear NFG - what does a rooster's (ahem) reproductive organ (ahem) look like?

Well, Oscar, I'm going to refer you to the ever popular 'How do chickens do it?' post, recently rediscovered by Muppet porn afficionados worldwide. Damn that Rule 34.

Speaking of Muppets and the pr0n, Dougie from Vancouver, British Columbia asks: Dear NFG - have you ever cobbled together the vague plot of a 70's adult film for the benefit of your readers?

Okay, Dougie, we're not really that kind of website. However, I have talked about the decade of my early childhood before, and referenced a bow-chicka-bow-bow type of screenplay in my g-spot post, found here. Grab a Molson's and give it a look-see. Writing of a higher caliber can be found at our sister site, Crappy Unfinished Novel Time. Sure, it's not very popular, but if the readership suddenly demands it, we can add more to the page. Who knows, I might even finish something.

Pam from Irving, Texas writes: Hey, NFG - is it really necessary to use such blatant filler just to maintain your readership?

Oh, Pam. Of course it is. Most of this blog is blatant filler. When the queries that send people here are obviously crying out for more of my fat nerditude, I can only respond by giving readers what they so desparately crave. That means nerdiness and gratuitious near-nudity.

Do you have a question for the Nerdy Fat Guy? Click on the icon in the upper right-hand corner of the screen to send me an email. No question is too obtuse, we welcome all queries. We here at NFG Worldwide would love to make this a regular feature, and that means your questions are important to us!

I feel like a kid again

2011-07-25T08:00:00.005-04:00

I am a product of the 70's, the same decade that produced disco and glam rock. It was also the same decade as the great fuel crisis.

I don't remember the fuel crisis, so either it never hit Wisconsin, or I was just unaware of my father putting two gallons of gas into a car that got two miles to the gallon.

However, on Sunday, I faced my own little fuel crisis: our local stations were all out of gas. If I had gas in the car, this little tidbit wouldn't bother me at all. As it was though, the dash had been announcing 'FUEL RANGE LOW' for over a day, and I really felt like I needed a cushion (having run out of gas before...pushing my car once was more than enough.)

I was able to eke out a gallon from the gas can at home, to buy me a day or two until the stations can restock. And since it's been see-through-time hot the past few weeks, my lawn isn't growing, anyway. However, driving on 'E' makes me edgy, and not in a good way (like KISS in a world of Bee Gees and Gloria Gaynor.) Instead, I'm just anxious, waiting for the worst to happen (like a Bee Gees fan at a KISS concert.)

But I can just hope that when I can fill up again, the prices are closer to 1975 than 2011. Ah, the blind optimism of youth. And if I can't refill before I run out completely, I'll end up walking or riding my bike.

Just like I had to in the 70's.

Random Acts of Thursday - Wherein I bare my soul to the movie gods

2011-07-21T08:00:00.003-04:00

Some of you may have figured out I'm a bit of a film nerd. Some of you may recall that I keep a list of the films I've seen, which currently numbers well over 700 (and I keep finding films I forgot about seeing until they cross my path again....) It suggests that I've seen a new movie every 2.5 weeks since birth. An impressive waste of good time, and that doesn't count the films I've watched ten times over or more, like most of the James Bond oeuvre, 'Mad Max', any Eastwood western or Dirty Harry film, and 'The 39 Steps'. It's a wonder I get any sleep at all.

However, this is my list o' shame, films that I want to see, or probably should see, lest I be called out on my total lack of film nerdiness. I've seen bits and pieces of a few of these, but never start-to-finish. And that's just sad. Worse, even if any of these show up on IFC or AMC, I'll be forced to sit through commercials and that's not happening, kids. Even the ol' DVR can't get me past those breaks in continuity.

Vanishing Point
Be Cool
From Dusk til Dawn
Citizen Kane (it's been saved on the DVR for months)
Natural Born Killers
Blood simple
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
North by Northwest
Rear Window
The African Queen
Chinatown
The Two Jakes
Evil Dead
Dawn of the Dead
Night of the Living Dead
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Pennies From Heaven
Paper Moon
Gypsy
The Rose

There are probably more, feel free to mock my unworthiness below. Also, gift subscriptions to NetFlix are quite welcome, feel free to click on the 'donate' button to the right.

Gunfight at the Golden Corral

2011-07-18T08:00:00.003-04:00

I'm a crotchety old man. Have been for around 20 years. I'm lying, it's more like 30 years. Something I've never been, though, is an unruly child in public. (As an adult, I've created scenes, both intentionally and not. Get over it.)

Lori told me today about a restaurant in Pittsburgh that has banned children under the age of six following 'numerous' complaints about the unruly little ratfink fussbuckets screaming and upsetting an otherwise enjoyable dining experience. I'm sure they were also standing on chairs, annoying nearby diners by flinging food and crayons, walking around, refusing to sit up, crawling on the floors, flinging more crayons, and generally behaving in a rather pro-contraceptive manner. Some people are offended.

I say 'Right on, restaurant'.

Lori and I have restaurants we avoid because they attract unsavory elements (see paragraph two, above.) Would I be more likely to patronize a restaurant, knowing that I won't have to endure crying, yelling, staring, annoying little weasels? Of course I would. One of our local restaurants has a 'kid corner', a section of the restaurant where they seat families exclusively, to keep them away from the beer-drinkin', good-time-havin' crowd. Which was great until, on a busy Friday night, we were seated in kid corner. My normal easy-going nature was severely cramped.

(Shut up. You know the NFG has an easy-going nature.)

As a public service then, I'd like to offer readers of the ol' CDS (all three of you) the NFG Worldwide Solution to avoid screaming kiddoes interrupting your well-aged Porterhouse or chicken Caesar salad. First, get rid of the kids' menu, with its chicken nuggets and mac'n'cheez. Lose the crayons. Better yet, let's adopt the tried and true bowling alley method of my youth, one appreciated by drunken keglers everywhere: on-site daycare.

My grocery store has a kiddie corral, too. You have no idea how peaceful it is to shop without toddlers darting in and out of my legs. I like to imagine, too, that some of the parents don't even NEED groceries, they just use the free service to get a break.

So why not introduce such a solution at fine restaurants everywhere? Pack your kid a sandwich (no peanut butter, never know who's allergic), check them at the door, claim them once you've enjoyed your veal picatta or trout meuniere, and everyone's happy.

And if your kids are well-mannered little quietmonkeys, good for you for teaching your children how to behave in public. You should treat yourself to a nice dinner.

Next hurdle? How do we get airlines to follow the trend?

* For those of you who think I'm being a hard-ass, let me reiterate that I don't indiscriminately dislike children. Children are a joy, and I love my daughters, grandson and nieces very much. However, they have been (or will be, in the case of the wee ones) taught their manners. Enough said.

Random Acts of Thursday - Bad Assitude

2011-07-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Hollywood doesn't make actors like they used to. (Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.) I lived to watch 'old' movies with my father on Sundays, anything with car (or horse) chases and lots of shoot-em-up action, and wishing I was more like their characters. I've mentioned more than once that I wish I was more bad-ass.

Sure, there are actors who did some one-off action work among their comedic stylings (see also 'Last Man Standing'), but few men exhibited that true grit of a hard-ass like those listed below. Pick the movie that made their mothers proud, pilgrim.

Steve McQueen
Harrison Ford
Chuck Norris
Clint Eastwood
John Wayne
Humphrey Bogart
Sean Connery
Burt Lancaster
Charles Bronson
Lee Marvin

Rio Bravo
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Death Wish
Bullitt
Gunfight at the OK Corral
The Big Sleep
Good Guys Wear Black
The Enforcer
The Dirty Dozen
Thunderball

Yes, some of the actors were in more than one of these films, so choose wisely. Half of these have been on television in the last few weeks, and I watched as much of them as time would allow. How about you?

Speaking of bad-ass, I decided we're long overdue for another ever popular Dead Wrestler Trading Card (an NFG Worldwide exclusive!)

Karl Von Hess
1919-2009

Karl Von Hess, born Frank Fakety in Michigan in 1919, made his name heading to the ring in a full-scale Nazi guise in the years following World War II. He would enter arenas in a Waffen SS coat and a "Sieg, Heil!" salute. As a result, Von Hess was shot at, stabbed, attacked, and burned en route to becoming a white-hot heel in the late 1950s.

"Karl Von Hess was absolutely wonderful," said Ted Lewin, wrestler-turned-author and illustrator in The Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame: The Heels. "He was very special because he didn't do a heck of a lot to make people angry at him. All he had to do was kind of keep turning and looking at the audience, and the audience would boo, and then he'd turn and look at them again."

Before achieving fame (or infame), Von Hess was a lifeguard and swimming teacher, then entered the navy in World War II to serve in the Underwater Demolition Corps. Upon his discharge, he worked the carnival circuit for several years, then worked in various regional wrestling promotions before gaining national noteriety as the bad guy everyone loved to hate.

Beeeeeeeeep....(do televisions still make that noise?)

2011-07-11T11:11:00.003-04:00

We're experiencing some minor difficulties - technically, anyway. Your regular blog-reading experience will return shortly.

I remember getting up early, early early, very very early on Saturday mornings sometimes, expecting to get a jump on my cartoon-watching activities. Some mornings, I'd catch the farm report. Some rare days, I'd get a screen much like the one above. The television would just 'squeeeeeeeeeeeee' at me like so much alien technology, mocking my cartoon-deficient life.

Kids today have it easy.

Blast from the Past - Door goes up, door goes down. Door goes up, door goes down.

2011-06-28T08:00:00.001-04:00

(Originally published June 2007)

Ah, the joys of summer. Nothing like trying to fix a garage door in 5000% humidity. I left for work early today, gung-ho to get a small project done while it was still quiet there. Sadly, I was dry for a whopping seven minutes this morning before the fun began. I opened the garage to get the garbage can, only to find my newly-hung fluorescent shop light (they hum like angels!) dangling precariously above Buttercup, one of my new ceiling hooks clattering across the floor. Crisis averted and light removed from the danger zone (cue Top Gun theme).

Garbage delivered safely to the curb, soda retrieved from the fridge, I was ready to be on my way, and even be to work early today, when I attempted to close the garage door. Half-way down, I got a 'brzzrt-thud-thud-whirrrrrrr' as the safety switch kicked in and reversed the door. Hmm. Interesting. I hit the button again, only to have the same result. On further inspection, I noted that one of the two cables (or 50% of them for you math buffs) was no longer an active participant in the spring-and-pulley show, and the door was landing askew. I wound the cable and tried to slot the end into the pulley, at which time the cable unwound. About this time I decided wearing gloves MIGHT be a good idea, rather than filling my hands with oily metal shavings. I slotted the end into the pulley and then wound the cable around, and it unwound. I finally loosened the pulley, MOVED the slot to where it would actually reach, then wound the cable and tightened the pulley again.

Success! Almost.

This time instead of half-way down, I got to within a foot of the ground before 'brzzrt-thud-thud-whirrrrrrr'. I released the safety catch on the opener, re-tightened the cable, then tried closing it again. I think I got about 30 'brzzrt-thud-thud-whirrrrrrr's before I got within inches of the ground. One more tightening, one more 'brzzrt-thud-thud-whirrrrrrr'.

I unlocked the side door to the garage, since it only locks from the inside, and opened the big door again, then dropped it to the ground without the opener attached. One final tighten, and now the door goes up, the door goes down. Door goes up, door goes down.

And if you've ever been thrown into a pool with all your clothes on, just imagine that pool being bathwater warm and extremely salty. That's how I felt by the time this was all done. It should go without saying that I was NOT early for work.

Outstanding in my field

2011-06-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

My lawn was starting to look untidy. I mowed, but instead of a neat, crisp mow, I'd be left with the grassular equivalent of split ends. I thought perhaps, maybe, it might finally be time to get the blade sharpened.

I got this mower at least four years ago, before we left the great state of Wisconsin. I mowed my Wisconsin lawn repeatedly with the fine one-pull-starty goodness that was a new mower after spending two seasons fighting with a 30-year-old start-resistant machine. Since then, Florida 'lawns' have taken their toll on the newness. I might as well have been mowing repeatedly over the stump of our frost-killed palm tree. Or a large rock. The blade was awful. Never have I seen such a thing. A co-worker chastised me, telling me that the blade should be sharpened every year. You should have seen his reaction when I told him that no, I've never changed the mower's oil, either.

I'm a bad lawnmower parent.

But now, the blade is sharp. Sharpie McSharperson. Bladish Von Mowsalot. And, as if to taunt me, the weather turned Florida-humid yesterday before I picked the blade up, just so I couldn't use it. Well, I could have, certainly, but I didn't mow my Florida lawn when the weather was like that, no way was I mowing the Ohio lawn.

And now, the weather's turned mild again between the rain, and I should probably face the task at hand, since Quincy's grazing. Soon, we'll lose him in the great pampas field of our back yard, and I'll have an entire oak grove in the front thanks to the damn squirrels. The neighbors are scalping ever further into my yard with each time they mow, and I don't roll like that. (Why do mowers even come with that lowest setting anymore? We've all learned it's bad for the grass.)

Ooops, wait, it's raining. Never mind.

Bang your head

2011-06-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

I am not now, nor have I ever been, the epitome of gracefulness. At age two, I fell out of the car and broke my collar bone. Age three, header into the door jamb, leaving a nice scar on my cheek and inside my lower lip. My first day of third grade? Basketball to the head. Eighth grade? Faceplant into the asphalt track. There's that giant chunk of chin I took out with a sharp new razor, unaccustomed as I am to shaving said chin. Matches the chunk I took out of my ankle going over the handlebars of my bike. MY bike, to be clear. I merely knocked the wind out of myself the other two times I went over other handlebars. My hands and arms and legs are all scarred like a five-year-old's. I have a rather impressive collection.

The other night should have come as no surprise to me then, as I was blotting blood from my forehead following a gardening accident. I could have put my eye out, so the gash is almost uneventful. I had a tetanus shot in 2002, so I'm good for another year. The cut probably won't even scar, good thing since I can't afford any further damage to my mug. It should heal before my niece's baptism this weekend, though there's always Photoshop to the rescue if not. But still, I have to smack myself for not paying attention.

And that might leave a mark.

Random Acts of Thursday - No more teachers' dirty looks

2011-06-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure about your neck of the woods, but the end of the school year is ripe in the Ohio air. As such, I thought we'd give one last nod to those hallowed halls of education for the year, before ditching our good clothes in favor of swim trunks and amusing novelty tees.

I remember taking that last week easy, as most kids were done learning. The big event was always the ceremonial locker cleaning, where items that never made it home during the school year got crammed into book bags or thrown in the trash. Notebooks, leaky pens, that cool generic Walkman-knockoff cassette player you brought in for a class project, and in the case of one classmate, half the cafeteria's silverware. Ah, memories.

Consider this a final exam for the Spring term, if you must. You know I'll continue to get my nerd on year-round, but if it makes you feel better that this might be the last one for a while, so be it. I'll give you the school, you give me the corresponding film.

Elementary Education:
Horace Green Elementary
Warren G. Harding Elementary
Welton Academy for Boys

Secondary Education:
Hemery High School
Rydell High School
Vince Lombardi High School
Westerurg High School
Shermer High School

Post-Secondary Education:
Faber College
Grand Lakes University
Pacific Tech

Make sure you do your homework on this one, I'd hate to see anyone have to repeat the class this summer. Show your work, kids! (And as always, this quiz goes to eleven.)

Extra credit? One of these films featured my favorite author. Which of his books did he write a report on?

Dinnertime - Shiksa-Bob

2011-05-25T08:00:00.002-04:00

Stock Photo - we ate this too quickly for pictures!

Many of you know my affinity for pork products. If not, you should click here. I also like the flavors of India and Asia, and I'm looking for new things to do once we start harvesting the ample supply of wild pigs in this country.

1# Pork Sirloin, in 1-inch cubes

1 Cup Buttermilk
1 Cup Cilantro, loosely packed
2 Cloves Garlic
1 Tbsp Thai green curry paste
1 Jalepeno or Thai chile, or more to taste
1 Tbsp kosher salt
1 Large Onion, 1-inch dice

Combine all ingredients except pork and onion in a blender, puree until smooth. If you don't want to buy buttermilk, you can combine one cup milk and one tablespoon of vinegar. In a large bowl, add the contents of the blender to the pork and stir to coat. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

The next day, alternate onion slices and pork cubes on skewers, and cook over high heat on a grill or under the broiler (if it won't stop raining, like here in Cleveland, for example.) until golden brown.

I served this on warm naan with a green mango chutney from the latest cookbook in our collection, you could add this to rice or even add the marinade to tomato sauce and yogurt for a sauce. Makes four servings.

Tastes (Kinda) Like Chicken, Looks Like The Lower 48?

2011-05-23T08:00:00.006-04:00

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my food to look like food. Sure, it's a well-known fact that I enjoy the little cheese crackers with the peanut butter in them, and that color does not occur in nature except to scream 'poisonous!', but they do look exactly like they're designed to.

On the opposite side of the coin, what's the deal with chicken nuggets? First it was McDonalds, and now it seems everyone is jumping on the 'that's-not-shaped-like-food' bandwagon. I don't eat McNuggets, but on occasion, nuggets from other fast food icons make a quick and tidy snack when I'm on the run, and they're all shaped the same. Some of them look like Minnesota. Some of them are shaped like animators used to draw pork chops back in the 1940's. Some of them are shaped like paramecia. Some of them have no rhyme or reason whatsoever, and they're only benefit is the ability to fit neatly into a vat of barbecue or sweet-and-sour.

I get the dinosaurs, the stars and the other amusing kid-friendly shapes, because we want our kids to eat something besides paste and scabs. But unless you come out with the full fifty state nugget pack to teach them geography, it seems wrong to pick on one or two. And 50 nuggets would just add to the growing childhood obesity issues in this country, especially dipped in honey mustard.

Round is good. Shape them like drumsticks, I'll be happy. It's an extrusion, you can't tell me these are the only shapes we can come up with.

Does that look like a McNugget/New Hampshire to you?

I mentioned my curiousity about this to someone the other day, and they sent me to this article about genetically engineered ground meat. That's right, scientists are developing cell structures that will grow a hamburger without ever needing to be farm-raised, slaughtered or butchered, and it won't create the mass amounts of greenhouse gas expelled by real cows and chickens.

This makes perfect sense to me, that half of the meat we consume is already ground, so why not remove the animal cruelty from the picture? I love the American farm and the American farmer, but I've read much on the environmental impact a single cow can have on global warming, and how each cow produces 1/16th the meat-to-pollution ratio of smaller animals like chickens. And now, everyone could grow their own meat. I'm on board.

The only tragedy here? Every day I don't finish my old novel is a day that my imaginary happenings become closer to truth.

Damn. I wish I had some of those cheesy peanut butter crackers.

Where is my flying car? I was promised flying cars!

2011-05-11T08:13:00.011-04:00

I don't see any flying cars!

I'm 40 years old today. Age is just a number, nothing important as I've been an 'old man' much of my life. But 40. Forty. Four-Zero. That's 14610 days, if I include leap years (and I have, because that's how I roll. Nerd to your mother.)

One of my favorite websites, IMDB, lists over 4000 people born the same year as me, actors and best boys and key grips born 40 years ago. Many famous, some that nobody's ever heard of. And I share my birthday with the likes of Salvador Dali and Irving Berlin. They're no slouches.

1971 was a big year in the space race, astronauts and cosmonauts vying for supremacy of the heavens. I wasn't yet born when Americans walked on the moon during the Apollo 14 mission. I was alive and being adorable when we followed up with Apollo 15, but I don't really remember it. I was alive when DB Cooper jumped from a Northwest Orient flight and into history.

We were doing that in 1971, and now? Nothing. Sure, there's a space station up there somewhere, waiting patiently to Skylab its way back to Earth, but are we really using it for anything? Science is all up in our faces over alternative fuels and clean energy, but where's my robot maid, my dog-walking treadmill? Do I need to download an iPhone app? I don't even have an iPhone.

As for my physical prowess, I'm not going to win a Superbowl or the Tour de France. Can you imagine? Especially those of you who've seen me throw a football or witnessed my first bike ride without training wheels. Anyone who actually witnessed my face-first assault on the school track back in 8th grade isn't at all surprised that I've never become a superstar athlete.

So, what have I been doing with myself? I'm married to a beautiful woman who puts up with far too much of my nerdilated insanity. Not that I'm asking her to stop. I have two wonderful daughters and a lovely grandson. I learned how to ride a motorcycle, and for anyone who was there for my early forays into the bicycle realm, that's probably pretty frightening.

In all, I've managed a pretty positive forty years by most standards. And the future seems pretty bright. If only I had a flying car where I could keep my shades. Then again, I'm fairly old-school. My razor only has two blades. Most of my music is still on cassette, many of them taped off of the radio, and my first portable cassette recorder (like a Walkman without the name brand) required me to flip the tape over to the B-side manually. I did walk home from school in the snow. I've only owned a cell phone for a quarter of my life.

But being old school means I was taught that when you make a promise, you keep it. And I was promised flying cars, so I want mine.

Blast from the Past - The Other Organ Donor

2011-05-09T08:13:00.001-04:00

Times continue to be busy around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.) and despite recent posts, I still feel compelled to share past musings and crotchety posts from the ether.

In light of my repeated musings on the subject of pork and pork products, I thought I'd share this little gem with you from May '07.

I've been thinking about the news stories reported ~~below~~ HERE and HERE and the possible implications for the last few weeks, since it ran on our local news (actually, we just looked it up on the station's website, since I can't sit through 58 minutes of human interest drivel just to get to the one potentially significant news story of the evening…). I've had diabetic family members, as has Lori. Our friend was just diagnosed at age 35. One of my clients is active in the state's chapter of the ADA, and we've ridden in the 'Ride for the Cure' pledge drive. However, it doesn't mean I knew anything about the disease, and especially that 20 million people in the US alone are afflicted with it. I can't even imagine 20 Milwaukee-sized cities full of people (or, as it turns out, 20 Cleveland-sized cities). In a world of 6.7 billion people, and even in a nation of over 300 million, the number suddenly seems insignificant. (Actually, the US Census Bureau projects that the US gains one person every 11 seconds, between births, deaths, and immigration, and our planet gains approximately 60 million people each year.)

The medical community has been breeding immunosuppressant swine for years now, to develop xenotransplantation-safe organs since we're wearing ours out faster than we can donate them. For my further thoughts on organ donation, click here.
I may be a selfish bastard, but if we keep curing diseases and cleaning up pollution and driving smaller cars and buying organic vegetables, how long will it be before we've outgrown the planet? Surely a topic for another blog entry would be the exponential loss of farmland in our nation to housing developments, and at the same time the fact that we produce more food on fewer acres thanks again to the scientific community. But that is, in fact, a topic for another blog so that's all I'll say here.

Yes, this is a disjointed commentary, because I have so many unanswered questions. Anyone who knows me understands that this is how my brain works. So, without further ado or segue, what do they do with the pigs once they've donated their bodies to science? If the islet cells are taken from the pigs, do the pigs become diabetic, or can their bodies manufacture more? If the pigs give their lives for this process, does the research lab at least have a nice pig roast the following weekend? I can't imagine such a waste of resources if the resultant meat (as long as it remains immunosuppressantly delicious) were just thrown away, instead of being consumed. Unless, of course, once you've received porcine cells, that eating a pork chop would be tantamount to cannibalism. And what about the Muslim and Semitic populations of the world? Religious dogma for these groups dictates the consumption of pork is taboo, what does it say about having the swine's cellular makeup inserted into the very makeup of our genetic profile?

Like I said, I have so many unanswered questions. And now I'm hungry, too.

Random Acts of Thursday - Give me lots of hair

2011-05-05T08:13:00.011-04:00

Hey, kids! I know it's Cinco de Mayo, and I should be writing about beer, and how May 5th ties into the reason so many great Mexican beers are brewed with classic German brewing know-how. However, that seems too predictable. Besides, it's been almost two years since the NFG (owner and proprietor of NFG Worldwide and all known and unknown subsidiaries) shaved his face in its entirety, the first time in nearly 12 or 13 years that my chin was cold and nekkid. That didn't last very long at all.

For the most part lately, I've rocked a pure goatee, no moustache to strain my soup or tickle Lori's upper lip. However, I am getting a little lazy in the shaving department, sometimes going a week or more without touching the fuzzy undergrowth.

I really want to do something 'out there' with the facial hair (thanks to La Bev for the linkage). Handlebar moustache. Long goatee, a la Scott Ian. Elvis sideburns. A la Elvis. However, in deference to my marriage, I never go beyond joking about it. Lori seldom laughs.

It's not much of a quiz this week, but since it seems nobody answers many of these anyway, not much risk in offending any of you. This is a research quiz, for your benefit and mine, feel free to Google or guess, your choice.

1) Who shaved his trademark moustache first: Alex Trebek or Tom Selleck?
2) Who has the better beard, Billy Gibbons or Dusty Hill?
3) For which film did Chevy Chase (known for playing Dusty Bottoms in the film 'The Three Amigos') don a wicked cool beard, Walt Whitman style?
4) ~~Is there anything besides Whitman's beard which qualifies him as 'cool'?~~ (Okay, that's a trick question. Of course there isn't.)
4a) Which actress starred with a slightly zanier Chevy Chase after featuring in the original film production of 'Hair'?
5) Which surrealist painter made a film about facial hair, and in which film was he dragged behind a piano alongside a fellow surrealist?

Not much this week, but you know. Gliddy glup goopy, nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo. Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba le le lo lo. Feel better? If not, go have yourself a cerveza. That should fix it.

Dinnertime - Ham-tici-pea-tion

2011-05-03T08:00:00.001-04:00

I enjoy ham. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. (Forgive the download, but it really is necessary. Enjoy.) Sadly, as much as I enjoy a good ham dinner, it's not as though I can, in good conscience, make ham every week.

Okay, I could. But as it stands, we don't. However, we did have a glorious ham for Easter, bone-in and spiral cut, and I was in soup mode over the weekend. Pea, bean, potato? What could be the best combination of starch and pork? I decided on pea, this time around.

Spiced Yellow Pea Soup

2 cups diced onion

1 cup diced carrot
1 Tbsp salt
1 tsp olive oil
1 Tbsp curry powder
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried dill
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 bay leaf
1 - 14 oz bag dried split yellow peas
1 ham bone
2 cups diced or shredded ham
2 cups baby carrots, halved
3 quarts cold water
Salt and Pepper to taste

Optional Garnish
3 strips of bacon, cooked (Did I really say 'optional'?)
1 Tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp clove powder
1 tsp cinnamon

In a large kettle, heat oil and add onions, diced carrots and salt. Sweat until tender, then add curry powder, dill, basil and cinnamon. Stir until spices become aromatic. Add one bay leaf, split peas and ham bone, then cover with three quarts of cold water. (If you're using a small measuring cup, that's 12 cups of water.) Stir together and bring to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer and cover for an hour or until peas are just tender.

Remove the ham bone and the bay leaf, then puree the soup in a blender or with a stick blender. Remember that if you do this in a standard blender, take the plug out of the lid and cover with a towel, or you'll have an Exorcist experience all over your kitchen. Return soup to pot with ham and remaining carrots, and simmer an additional two hours or until soup is reduced by 1/4.

For the garnish, combine the bacon and spices in a food processor (thank you, Magic Bullet!) and process until fine. I used pre-cooked bacon for this, and microwaved it for 20 seconds with the spices before processing.

This makes eight hearty servings, and if you feel you need to wait for cooler weather to have soup, the bone will freeze well.

And okay, so you could use the green split peas. However, even though I like most every shade of green out there, I find something unappealing about pea soup green. Either way, this was delicious.

Random Acts of Thursday - Shhhmokin'

2011-04-21T08:13:00.008-04:00

Other than a cigar on rare occasions, I don't smoke. I am personally put off by residual cigarette smoke. When bars went smoke-free, it was a positive change for me.

However, cigs and smoking are iconic. In old film, in song, even in early television, what would we have made of it when WC Fields showed up, a la Kojak, with lolly in hand in place of his cigar? (Or Winston Churchill, for that matter. I always get them confused. Drunk and wearing a hat? They could be brothers. Wait...WC? Winston Churchill? Hmmmm...)

Okay, that went a direction I wasn't expecting. Sorry about that. Damn brain cloud...

Now, my little quizlings, dance, dance!

1) What actor starred in a Disney film under the alias Paul Mall?

2) Name the television show that featured a character named Salem?

3) What iconic ad man did Don Johnson usurp for a 1991 film?

4) What brand of cigarettes does Bruce Willis smoke in Die Hard?

5) What about in Pulp Fiction?

6) What Acadamy-award-winning film is set in Newport, RI?

7) Name the brand mentioned by Billy Joel in an iconic 80's song.

8) What series of code phrases does James Bond use to identify a fellow agent?

9) In which film did Clint Eastwood light a match on the face of his opponent?

10) What is my favorite Kool and the Gang song? (Hint - it's featured in one of the films listed above.)

Bonus: What brand did my favorite author notoriously smoke his entire life?

If you think you've got them all, check here for the answers.

You can't go to Eddy's again

2011-04-18T08:13:00.001-04:00

I spend a lot of time thinking about food. It's possible I spend more time thinking about it than I do eating it. And, like other areas of life, it would seem the Chinese restaurant experience of my youth is quickly disappearing from the American landscape.

I miss Eddy's Place, the weekly destination of my youth. Eddy is a family friend, as is Rosie, his long-time waitress. I very nearly proposed to Lori there, but got nervous when we walked in to find my parents sitting at a corner table. (I did ask, and she accepted, later that evening.) We have an afghan on our sofa that Rosie gave us as a wedding present. Since Eddy had been pushed into closing by his landlord, he and Rosie came to my sister's wedding, and it was a joy to see them again. This is not a typical restaurateur-client relationship, and I'm okay with that.

Eddy's was not exactly unique in my childhood. There were four or five other Chinese restaurants of the same sit-down variety that made their way though our dining spectrum, and only one little delivery place. There was no such thing as the 'Super Happy Steam Buffet of Overcookedness' in my childhood. I always got a placemat that told me what my zodiac sign meant, and strangely, it's pretty dead-on for me.

There were always egg rolls and egg foo young, and later, dozens of potstickers. (Due to that family friendship, I have a dozen or so of Eddy's potstickers, frozen for later consumption and made by the man himself in his own home kitchen as a gift to my parents.) There was custom ordering, combinations that didn't exist on the soy-stained paper menu. When we were children, my sister would order milk, and since she was, apparently, the only customer who ever ordered it, Eddy would have to send someone across the street to the tiny grocery store to buy some.

As time has passed, I've watched those sit-down restaurants disappear. In their place, buffets of questionable quality and tiny carry-out places have cropped up. Lori and I tried yet another buffet last night, hoping for something of higher quality than we got. So awful was this place, with multi-colored light bulbs, and a scratchy PA system that broke out into the traditional 'Happy Bursday To You' at one point (yes, bursday. Really.) and the too-common steamed beyond recognition food, that we'll never go back.

With few exceptions for the high-priced Chinese-Restaurant-As-Fine-Dining places, most of the sit-down places have fallen to disrepair, fish tanks empty or covered in algae, ceiling tiles falling down from unattended roof leaks. Now, most of the places that will sell me carryout belong to families or corporations that have purchased the Chinese restaurant kit, advertised as 'New York Style'. These places, in Wisconsin, Florida and Ohio (and I'm sure...your state has them, too...) have the same menus, the same pictures of pre-staged dishes, the same chairs with fan-patterned vinyl, usually green but occasionally pink.

What they don't have is the same charm of the neighborhood restaurant, a casual family-owned place where the kitchen is hidden, where traditional music is streamed through bad speakers, and where I might even get an odd mix of Chinese-style and American dishes, like a plate of carrot sticks and olives, or the option to order a hamburger. I've never ordered a hamburger at a Chinese restaurant, but it was comforting to know it was there. (I spent years with our daughters ordering chicken strips at the Mexican restaurant, so a hamburger at the Chinese place would have opened up our family dining options a little more before their palates grew.)

When I Google Eddy's Place for nostalgia's sake, the restaurant now comes up with his home address. I can even see it on Google Stalker View. Maybe this means I can go to Eddy's again.

He won't mind, I'm sure.

Everything but the oink

2011-04-11T08:13:00.000-04:00

Some of you may recall my discussion on organ donation. Others among you may remember me posting about the Hogzilla family back in Florida. (I feel there should be some amusing and frighteningly accurate Venn diagram here, so imagine one. I'm being lazy.)

Now, the Discovery Channel has decided that we're SO overrun by wild boars that it warrants a weekly series. We here at CDS Enterprises (a wholly-owned division of NFC Worldwide) think the time has come to actually welcome our porcine overlords. Like dinosaurs or leprechauns, pigs could very well be the panacea this planet needs.

(I am not anti-Semitic, anti-Islam or anti-any-faith-based-dietary-obedience. I am anti-vegan, a point you, my regular reader, will already know. But this warrants mention. This is not intended as an ethical discussion, either. If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll have figured out that ethics have no place in vast global solutions.)

Anyhoo. Depending on which scientific group you believe, we may be waiting until 2018 for swine-to-human transplants, but others think we may see the first of these this year. We may start off with limited skin and kidney transplants, but porcine physiology has been used to mimic the human body. I watch Mythbusters and CSI, so don't try to argue with me. When they harvest the organs and skin from a pig, that leaves loads of nutritional value to be had. Boars' hair is used to make paintbrushes, and pigs are full of sweet, unctuous gelatin.

And since we're overloaded with saturated fat in this country (mmm, sweet delicious lard), I'm sure some enterprising person could work out refining and purifying rendered pork fat, and we could all drive bacon-scented cars and trucks, heat our homes and offices, burn clean pork fat to generate electricity. Can you imagine? And in nations that consider this religiously blasphemous, just think, they'd still be able to survive using fossil fuel for generations longer, thanks to the use of wild boars in western nations.

Pork. The other cure-all. Now if we could just find a use for the oink, we'd be all set.

Fun Fact Friday - Bilirubin the Kid

2011-04-08T08:13:00.010-04:00

As I may have mentioned, I recently became both a grampa and an uncle. This leads to all sorts of additions to my vocabulary, including terms that should never be used in polite company (i.e. mucus plug).

Grace, my niece, spent an extra day in the hospital when they couldn't find a bilirubin blanket. Apparently, those things are a hot commodity. Jordan's bilirubin levels climbed once he was home, but both wee little childrens are healthy now.

Jaundice is caused by a processing inbalance. Bilirubin (the artist formerly known as hematoidin) is a naturally occuring product of the body, created when red blood cells break down. Because babies produce red blood cells at a quicker rate than adults, they produce a higher bilirubin-to-weight ratio than adults. Bilirubin is processed through the liver, and eventually gets pooped out. (Not tired, but excreted. Don't you love the ambiguity of the English language?)

Babies can't always process bilirubin efficiently, because their livers haven't developed completely (in the case of premature birth), or because they don't manage to poop efficiently.

In more serious cases, jaundice can be caused by an infection, or by other disorders of the thyroid. It's also possible when a newborn doesn't get enough breast milk, or, in the case of an Rh-factor mismatch, when a mother's milk actually creates antibodies that damage the child's red blood cells.

So maybe this isn't a 'fun' fact, but it is a common occurence, and when treated properly, children can come through it without any permanent damage.

As for permanent damage, however, I'm not sure which is worse: me EVER hearing the words 'mucus plug' (DON'T Google it. No good can come of that) or my brother-in-law inadvertently seeing the placenta drop.

Update - As Frank was so kind to point out, I never talked about how the Biliblanket works. Imagine TRON. UV light can be used to convert the subcutaneous bilirubin to other byproducts that break down and metabolize without the help of the liver. While looking like Flynn or Yori.

I always wanted one of those light cycles.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

2011-04-04T08:13:00.002-04:00

Hey, kids! Difficult to believe I haven't posted in over two weeks.

Okay, difficult for me, perhaps. I know, however, that I've had these gaps before. You've heard me mention before that I have no concept of the passage of time, and oh, how it's flying. Of course, the last two point five weeks have held lots of excitement and little miracles. I became an uncle on St. Patrick's Day. Sure, I had nieces, my brother-in-law's children, but this is my sister's first and she's adorable.

Last weekend? Our daughter gave went into labor and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in less time than it takes us to drive from here to Wisconsin. Three hours less, to be exact. He was so brand-spankin'-new when I held him for the first time, and he's perfect. I'm a proud grampa, can you tell?

This is not why you're here, though, dear reader. I'm just making excuses to lengthen the post. Think I ever had problems meeting those word-count requirements in school?

I had a dream the other night where I was working. This isn't unusual for me, for my job to creep into my REM-time. (Or when I'm sleeping, exhausted from my interpretive dance of 'Shiny Happy People'.)

But this was different, as it wasn't MY job, but instead a fabulous new opportunity. I was working at Waffle House.

I love the Waffle House. I take unabashed pride in my adoration for La Casa de Waffles. Breakfast, 24 hours a day. Seven days a week. Fifty-two weeks a year. Several years back, Lori and I celebrated Christmas Eve at the Waffle House. We took friends and family there, like it was some unholy mecca for all things waffled and delicious.

My dream gave me unlimited access to the biggest Waffle House I'd ever seen, or at least unlimited access to the parts I've already seen as a customer. Giant griddles, kettles of grits and gravy, waffle makers, it just makes me want to call out: "Mark: drop two, scattered, smothered covered, three scrambled raisin. Plate." I don't know just what I'm saying, I'm probably getting cheese and onions on my waffle and a raisin omelette, but hey, it's my dream and I'm ordering properly.

Strange the pleasure I was able to take in wiping tiny fingerprints from the glass doors, in washing dishes and scraping grills, simply to be a part of the grand Waffle House experience (which I envision like the Jimi Hendrix Experience, with more carbs and less acid.)

Sure, it's an odd 'dream' job. And I don't think I have the ability to learn a brand new vocabulary at this point in my life. But I can dream.

We are bereft of waffle-y convenience here in the O-Hi-O, they exist but they're not at impulse distance anymore. In my quest to make dreams a reality, I found that one cannot purchase a Waffle House franchise. Every Waffle House in the world is still owned by the family of the original founders. And there's no indication that they might consider changing that. Good for them.

How about you, dear reader? Dream job? Amusing waffle-related anecdote? Discuss.

Random Acts of Thursday - The Last Ride

2011-03-17T08:13:00.003-04:00

I don't want to be morbid, but I am a practical man. You kids will recall that Lori and I have spent far too much time moving from place to place in our married life. I believe the last count was five homes and three states in the last six years.

When we moved four times ago, into the home where we planned to spend the rest of our days, I was so adamant about never moving again that I fully intended to pass away the night before trash day, so Lori could just throw me in a Hefty Tear-Pruf Heavy Duty trash bag and drag me to the curb.

The more I think about it, though, I'd like to go with style.

What prompted this?

We saw this on our weekend drive.

Far be it for me to judge (a lie: I always judge. Call me Judgey McJudgerson.), but I am not a soccer mom. I don't want to be a soccer mom. I don't want my last ride in a wheeled conveyance to include stow-and-go seating. I don't want anyone to be picking Cheerios and gummi bears from out of my coffin, and I don't want it covered in sticky handprints and Sponge Bob paraphernalia.

(Are the kids still watching Sponge Bob? I'm so out of touch.)

I like the Cadillac in life, and to me, that's the classic way to go.

Or, there's always this:

And for the Harold and Maude fans out there, I could settle for this:

...and really, who couldn't? Your last car should always be nicer than your first, right?

And because I ride, and there's just as much a chance that I'll go that way as any other rider, I'd take this, too.

Because just because I'm not cool in life doesn't mean my last act above ground has to be equally nerdy.

A Poor Excuse

2011-03-11T08:13:00.011-05:00

Two months to go...

For my three followers who actually read CDS for the articles, many apologies. I've been busy, and we all know that my concept of the passage of time is foggy at best. Recently I was reminded of just how old I'm getting when someone I don't remember posted the entire yearbook from my senior year of high school, and I was looking at the skinny, pasty-looking kid with the bad haircut. It took me back to my past laziness, when I ended up taking my own photo a week before they were due since I never bothered to have senior portraits done.

I feel guilty for not posting much of late. It's been a very busy 2011 so far and often I write half a post that never gets finished. New, completed posts are coming, though. We here at CDS Enterprises (A Division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd) have been thinking hard, making sure nothing but the highest quality drivel is made available for your reading ~~pleasure~~.

For the 95% of you who just come here looking for semi-naked pictures of celebrities (and what was up with Tatum O'Neal last month? 2800 hits on one post? Did I miss something?), continue to be disappointed.

Nah, just kidding. I figure if Danica McKellar and Natalie Portman get me hits, how well will the CDS skyrocket to popularity with a little Diane Kruger?

Or a little more Diane Kruger...

Let's find out.

I see bad movies showing...

2011-03-02T08:13:00.004-05:00

I see trouble on the way...

Or is that dead people? Nope, I just see bad movies. Often. At least more often than I should.

Despite being a movie geek, I do not watch the Oscars. The Great and Powerful Bev does, however, from the alley behind her hotel this year. It's not as seedy as it sounds, really.

I have mentioned in the past that I am continually attempting to catalog the films I've watched over the years. At present count, it seems I watch a different movie every three weeks. Around 18 unique films a year. That makes the assumption, of course, that I started watching films at birth. And it doesn't take into account those movies I've watched five or ten times or more.

Surprisingly few of those films are bad. And by bad, I mean nearly unwatchable. Films that couldn't be improved by gratuitous nudity. Films I will avoid on television if there's anything, including the home shopping channel, to watch instead. And I like my television.

Sure, some of those films were endured for the sake of our daughters, but I watched them nevertheless and I'll never get those 99 minutes back.

I only bring this up because Judge Dredd was on the teevee last Sunday. And not only did I watch it in painful entirety, but a) it wasn't the first time I'd seen it and b) I actually used my beloved cable provider's rewind feature to catch up on parts I missed. What might be worse? It's entirely possible I paid money to see it the first time.

And somehow the film didn't seem any better this time through. Great actors like Max von Sydow, Jurgen Prochnow and Joan Chen were apparently made offers they couldn't refuse, appearing in such schlock. Rob Schneider? Expected. Completely expected.

Loser has to watch The Hot Chick...

And sure, everyone is allowed a clunker now and again, as long as they've made quality cinema the majority of their careers. But somehow Sly Stallone is bordering dangerously on that bad actor lifetime achievement award. Rocky XXVII? Lock Up? Tango & Cash? Oscar? Rhinestone? The thespian stylings of Lieutenant Marion Cobretti? No amount of Rocky or First Blood can undo the crapfest that is Mr. Stallone's career as a whole.

Could be worse, though. If I hadn't subjected myself to this, my other option was Billy Madison. And I just couldn't endure that.

For a fifth time.

Blast from the Past - Eine Kleine Organmusik

2011-02-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

January was a busy time around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.) and February isn't shaping up to be much quieter. As such, I don't always have the time to rant anew - at least not in print. Being as we are ~~four~~ three months from my cresting (and subsequently being 'over') the hill, it seems only appropriate that I share with you some crotchety posts from the past.

I'm not editing these, except where I may have spelled something incorrectly in my angry fervor.

I've never really given much thought to organ donation before, but last week (Correction: November 2006) as I sat in a drive-thru waiting less-than-patiently for my soda, I couldn't help but notice the car in front of me, with the 'ORGN DNR' license plates, and the 'Liver Transplant Recipient' license plate frame. The combo made me wonder:

1) Can someone donate an organ they've received as a transplant?

2) Would this be considered re-gifting?

3) Do you get an OrganFax report, certifying that your new kidney/liver/whatnot has never been in an accident, isn't flood-damaged, that you're the second owner and nobody has an outstanding lien against your received organ?

I've always been on the fence about organ donation, due in part, I'm sure, to the 'Live Organ Donation' segment of Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

Part of me still honestly, truly believes that the little orange sticker on my driver's license gives the paramedics a sign that they don't need to try as hard. Logically, I know that probably isn't true, but one can never be too careful, now, can one?

A footnote: I broke down and signed the organ donation release the same day I passed my test for my motorcycle certification in late 2007. I figured, even if I'm wearing my helmet, that's hardly enough to let me win a fight with a Peterbilt. And if you're my mom and reading this, I ALWAYS wear my helmet.

Winning isn't everything

2011-02-07T09:00:00.002-05:00

But I would be remiss if I failed to mention how proud I am of the Packers this morning.

"Teamwork is what the Green Bay Packers were all about. They didn't do it for individual glory. They did it because they loved one another." - Vince Lombardi

Random Acts of Thursday - Dan Aykroyd - Angel of Death?

2011-02-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

As many of my regular readers know, I've watched a film or two in my day. Recently, it dawned on me, while watching 'The Dark Knight', that a lot of actors have passed before their time was perhaps due.

(Okay, so a number of them pumped their bodies full of enough drugs to mellow the western hemisphere, but that's beside the point here...work with me.)

In particular, I started running down my list o' dead celebs, and it became rather apparent to me that Dan Aykroyd might be the Angel of Death. Among his soon-to-be-dead co-stars are Chris Farley, John Candy, John Belushi, Tupac Shakur, River Phoenix, Jack Lemmon, Phil Hartman, Anna Chlumsky...wait, she's not dead. I never saw 'My Girl', but somehow I had it in my head that she died. Did she die in the movie, or was that Macaulay Culkin?

Anyhow. Lots of dead folks piling up around Dan. Not saying it's his fault, just saying that's a lot of dead people.

So this week's quiz is a little morbid, but bear with me. Two parts to this: first, match the dead actor to the living. Each list contains both. With only one exception, I've tried to avoid scenarios where both actors are dead but screws fall out every day - the world's an imperfect place. Next, identify the film which starred both actors.

An example: Heath Ledger (B, dead) starred with Christian Bale (1, living) in 'The Dark Knight'.

A) Alicia Silverstone
B) Heath Ledger
C) Jet Li
D) Dudley Moore
E) Christina Ricci
F) Chris Farley
G) Harrison Ford
H) Sharon Tate
I) Kevin Bacon
J) Rodney Dangerfield
K) Marilyn Monroe
L) Steve Martin
M) Bruce Lee
N) John Belushi
O) Dan Aykroyd

1) Christian Bale
2) Raoul Julia
3) David Spade
4) River Phoenix
5) Tony Curtis
6) Aaliyah
7) Joe Pesci
8) John Candy
9) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
10) Bo Derek
11) John Candy
12) Tupac Shakur
13) Brittany Murphy
14) Mia Farrow
15) Chris Penn

Simple, yes? It's supposed to be fun, kids. Don't kill yourself over this.

TOF Threat Level - High

2011-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's snowing here in the greater Cleveland area. This is not a new occurrence. However, it's actually a wet, heavy snow, with the temperature lingering in the mid-20's. While clearing my car this morning, my glove froze to the roof not once, but three times. There are, I'm sure, little fuzzy handprints on there even as I write this.

As such, we here at CDS Enterprises (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Worldwide NFG) have raised the 'Tongue on Flagpole' threat level to DefCon 1. Or crimson, if you prefer.

And I know there are some of you out there saying 'Aw, baloney', even though your best friend's old man knew a guy who had to have the fire department called out. You've been warned.

Blast from the Past - Before the NFG rocked the F

2011-01-26T08:13:00.002-05:00

January's a busy time around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.) As such, I don't have the time to rant anew - at least not in print. Being as we are four months from my cresting (and subsequently being 'over') the hill, it seems only appropriate that I share with you some crotchety posts from the past.

We're jumping into the Wayback Machine this week, courtesy of an old college friend on the Facebook.

Because if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Me, apparently. The more I look at this, the worse it gets. Is that...hair gel? Why yes, I think it is. And those sneakers. I'm sure that was the style, but really?

But hey, at least I wasn't fat. That's something, I guess. Though NSG doesn't have quite the same ring.

Blast from the Past - Haiku

2011-01-19T08:13:00.004-05:00

January's a busy time around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.) As such, I don't have the time to rant anew - at least not in print. Being as we are four months from my cresting (and subsequently being 'over') the hill, it seems only appropriate that I share with you some crotchety posts from the past.

This dates from early 2006, when GERD was the word...

Indigestive Haiku

I

i lie here awake
now my stomach tortures me
churning endlessly

II

i can barely breathe
the acid climbs and won't cease
all i feel is pain

III

why did i eat that
when I know it brings me pain
anger makes it worse

IV

now my brain joins in
overload of stressful thoughts
my goals never met

V

restless endless nights
sleeplessness my constant foe
i think im going mad

VI

pain just grows and grows
im taking purple pills now
they dont seem to help

Blast from the Past

2011-01-12T08:13:00.001-05:00

January's a busy time around here at CDS Enterprises (A wholly-owned division of NFG Worldwide, Ltd.) As such, I don't have the time to rant anew - at least not in print. Being as we are four months from my cresting (and subsequently being 'over') the hill, it seems only appropriate that I share with you some crotchety posts from the past.

I'm not editing these, except where I may have spelled something incorrectly in my angry fervor.

Originally published August, 2006
Can you pay them to feed it to you, too?

Call me cheap, call me old-fashioned, call me anti-social (and you might be right on at least one of those fronts...), but when did it become such a chore to prepare a decent meal at home that we now have stores that let you order your 'home made' meals, then arrive at a pre-determined time and throw together ingredients that someone else has purchased, cut up, organized, arranged, chilled and categorized for you? Isn't this one step removed from picking up TGI-AppleFactory Curbside-to-Go?

One of my friends has started doing this, paying $100 for the privilege of other people's potentially unwashed hands in her dinner, just so she doesn't have to buy a few odd spices.

My spice rack IS odd spices. I love my trip to the grocery store, and wish the conventional grocery store arrangement of produce - deli - meat/seafood - dairy was rearranged, since my trip usually includes produce - meat - produce - meat - deli - dairy, I'm always composing once I see what looks the best. I love the adventure of planning a week's menus at a time (I've tried to schedule further, much to my schedule-breaking dismay).

Why do things have to be so complicated when they were always so simple before? And why didn't I think of it first? It must be a goldmine!

Random Acts of Thursday - Picture in Picture

2011-01-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

I remember when I bought my first television, it came with Picture in Picture technology. Oooh, fancy. Now I could watch two shows at once, as if my attention span needed the encouragement to swap between shows.

It seems the same is true of film. I am sick of 'remakes'. True, without remakes, we wouldn't have gotten Airplane! But I don't need to see Jackie Chan and Will Smith's son remaking 'Karate Kid'. I don't need to see Adam Sandler in 'The Longest Yard'. Nobody needs to see Marky Mark in 'Planet of the Apes'. And I love the Coen Brothers, but I'm so conflicted about their remake of 'True Grit'. However, a number of films pay tribute to those who came before without imitation.

Below are twelve films that have been flashed on screen in later movies, a way for directors to pay homage to classics without needing to lift the script and hand it to some ham to destroy while the original directors roll cartwheels in their graves.

Your job? Name the film that shared the original with brand new audiences.

Rambo
Casablanca
Rio Bravo
Touch of Evil
Goldfinger
Spartacus
Miracle on 34th Street
Captain Blood
Watership Down
Myrt and Marge
It's a Wonderful Life
Gilda

Name two movies that feature video stores, though no actual film footage is ever seen.

Name two movies that feature fake films as part of the main film's plotline.

Name two movies that feature 'themselves' in the film.

And really, kids, I can't say it enough. If you don't recognize these, get out and watch some more movies.

Movie Mania Monday - Everybody's a Winner

2011-01-03T20:00:00.001-05:00

Happy 2011, childrens, and Auld Lang Syne and all of that!

Time to announce the winners of our second annual trivial trivia giveaway! There was much work involved, and in the end, only three brave souls dared enter the squared circle we call the NerDome. (We do. Really. I didn't just make that up.) For those of you looking to expand your education, keep reading.

Tied for first place are Daisy and Kari, who worked their internets to the bone coming up with these answers.

Third place goes to Frank, and really, doesn't everyone win when bacon is involved?

For the curious among you, here are the preferred winning answers:

1) Name two films that featured two future state governors.

A) "Batman and Robin", "Predator" and "Running Man" all starred Jesse Ventura (MN) and Ahnuld Schwartzenegger (CA). "Predator" also starred Sonny Landham, who ran an unsuccessful campaign for governor of Kentucky, and there is currently a Facebook campaign to elect Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers to a governorship just to make the 'Governor vs. Predator' argument.

2) Name another that featured one future governor and a chimp.

A) This could only be the Gipper. Ronald Reagan, then future governor of California co-starred with a monkey in "Bedtime for Bonzo".

3) Hal Holbrook has never been a governor. Hal Holbrook has never been president either, but he's played two on TV as well as helping to topple a third in film. Name two films where his good-guy role turns out to be a front, and he's exposed as the villain (Scooby-Doo style, if you will.)

A) I underestimated this one, as Hal Holbrook seems to become the villain more often than not. I was thinking of "Magnum Force" and "Fletch Lives", but I was also given "The Firm" as an option. Sure, it's just opinion, but somehow I doubt Hal's role in "All the president's men" changed from beginning to end of the film, and it seems that he was an asshole from the start in "Capricorn One".

4) Speaking of Scooby Doo (in an offhand sort of way), explain the significance of September 14, 1985 in music history. (It has to do, marginally, with the Pointer Sisters and one of their 'upbeat' songs, if that helps. It went to eleven.)

A) A day that will live in infamy, this was Casey Kasem's 'Snuggles' rant, about having to do a dedication to a dead dog coming out of the Pointer Sisters song. The rant was later edited into U2, a song by alternative band Negativland. One would hope you're not asking what this has to do with Scooby Doo. If you are, go check out Casey's IMDB page. I'm not giving you a link, that just encourages your laziness.

5) Also on that day, one of the greatest premieres in all of television occurred, that being "The Golden Girls". The theme song was originally released by Andrew Gold in 1978. Name two films to feature Gold's previous hit, 'Lonely Boy'.

A) Both "Boogie Nights" and "The Water Boy" included this tune on their soundtracks.

6) Now that you're all sexed up thinking about the television show mentioned above, maybe thinking about baseball would help. Who followed Jimmy Blake to the plate, possibly in Massachusetts but just as possibly in California, depending upon who you believe?

A) Jimmy Blake was second at bat, right before Casey in "Casey at the Bat: A Ballad of the Republic Sung in the Year 1888" by Ernest Thayer.

7 & 8) Speaking of geography, how far is Winnipeg from Montreal? Who told you that distance?

A) While driving distances would be 1470 or 1711 miles depending upon your route, we weren't talking about driving but actual geographic distance. Currently distance from airport to airport is 1136 miles. However, according to Mr. Memory, from Hitchcock's "The 39 Steps", the distance is actually 1148 miles.

9) Why is that distance in miles instead of kilometers? Burma! (Sorry, I panicked. I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky, you know.)

A) "The 39 Steps" was released in 1939. However, the metric system was not universally in use in Great Britain until 1965, and Canada until 1973. Presently only three nations worldwide have yet to complete 'Metrication': The United States of America, Liberia, and Burma.

10) What do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

A) Official spelling on the McDonalds website lists the 'Royal Cheese' as an offering in France. However, were you to be a Tarantino fan, you'd know this to be the 'Royale with Cheese' of "Pulp Fiction" fame, because thanks to the Metric system, the French don't know what a quarter pound is.

11) Finally, which actress was born on the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution, and became a global sensation after starring in one of the late Blake Edwards' films?

A) Bo Derek starred in "Ten", and was the subject of my most popular blog post to date.

I'd like to thank everyone who participated, and I'm looking forward to far more entries on future give-aways.

And of course, what would Monday be without a movie quote to identify? No Googling or using any other search engines on this one, either you recognize the quote or you don't. Identify the original source of the quote, no movies within movies or characters quoting past films. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the peoples' fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser'.

The army couldn't afford drapes? I'll be up at the crack of dawn here!

Allez Guessing!

Fun Fact Friday - Shoot That Poison Arrow

2010-12-31T08:00:00.002-05:00

First, some business.

First, I've been unfollowed. Perhaps it was the blatant ~~sexism~~ sexiness of my holiday blogs. Perhaps whomever unfollowed is offended by the thought of Free Bacon. Obviously they weren't of the open-minded, intelligent ilk represented by you, dear readers.

Second, on the topic of Free Bacon, Movies and Artwork (not necessarily in that order), there's still a contest to be won. You've got until tomorrow, and right now I only have one entry with a single question answered, so there's hope for you yet.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Fun Fact. Note the artful use of parentheses throughout. And not just so I could prove I can spell 'parentheses'.

Growing up in Milwaukee, with a neighbor who worked for Miller Brewing back in the day when the employees were paid in beer, I was exposed to alcohol at a young age. (Not surprisingly, when I Google 'Lots of Beer', the first photo of someone actually drinking was proudly taken at Milwaukee's lakefront.)

Now that it's New Year's Eve, and I'm an adult, I will have a tipple or two before I toddle off to bed around 9:15. (Hey, I'm a party animal!) I certainly won't be driving, since yesterday's freezing rain had me sliding from the top of the lot to the bottom at the office, and I don't need a repeat of that. Thankfully, the OfficeMax driver asked me to move my icebound car before, and not after, he slammed into the side of it with his truck. (Not so thankfully, I'm still not sure of the damage I may have done to the car myself when I was stopped by the snowbank.)

speaking of party animals, how about that guy with the candle in his skull?

As a child I also had a ratty, worn copy of 'Ripley's Believe it or Not!', a double-sided paperback edition, that taught me what it meant to be intoxicated:

intoxicate - early 15c., "full of poison" (pp. adj.), from M.L. intoxicatus , pp. of intoxicare "to poison," from L. in- "in" + toxicare "to poison," from toxicum "poison" (see toxic). The verb meaning "to poison" is first attested 1520s; meaning "make drunk" first recorded 1570s (implied in intoxicated)

Specifically, Ripley stated that to be intoxicated was to be shot with a poison arrow.

To that point, I found a shot called The Poison Arrow, and it's a perfect dare shot for your New Year's festivities:

Poison Arrow Ingredients:
1 part Lime Cordial (Rose's Lime Juice)
1 dash Grenadine
1 part Bailey’s Irish Creme

Directions: Fill up a shot glass with lime cordial and add a dash of Grenadine to the top. Now very slowly pour Baileys into the center of the shot glass until the liqueur hits the bottom of the shot. Take a straw and slowly twirl it round so the Baileys twists around the tube. Retract the straw and serve. (Recipe and photo courtesy of OXM-UK - and yes, there are all sorts of video-game-themed alcoholic beverages out there. Not that anyone asked.)

Don't that sound tasty? What this fails to mention is that the lime juice will curdle the Bailey's. Mmmm, mmm. Chunky.

Happy New Year, kids. Don't go messing with any arrows while you're drunk, poisoned or not. (You'll shoot your eye out...)

The Fun Fact Fat Guy Film Finds Foodipalooza - Expurgated Version

2010-12-27T13:00:00.001-05:00

(The one without the gannet...)

Now I understand from some of you that last Thursday's post might not be (ahem) work-appropriate. As such, here's an image-free version so you may still win prizes without offending the Political Correctness crowd.

Should you not give a crap, click here. Either way, since nobody's offered any answers yet, there's still plenty of time to win.

Merry Christmas, kids! Happy holidays, as well, should you not be of the Christmas ilk. Winter is upon us and it's time once again for our annual trivial trivia giveaway! We're currently driving to Wisconsin to be among family and friends for the holiday weekend.

Last year, Nej took top honors and in return, wrote a stellar review of her prize. You could be next! Just be the winner of the following scavenger hunt of facts and you could soon be the proud owner of greatness.

This year, first prize is one of a selection of fine art photographs, matted and framed, by Lori Mason Photography. These works have a retail value of $75, but a current overstock due to our recent relocation means we can offer one of these to you to display proudly in your home or office. There are a lot of different images, and if you win we'll send you a preview gallery to choose from.

Second prize is your choice of classic films, all discussed at some point here at Ye Olde CDSe. First, Leone's classic 'A Fistful of Dollars', a remake of 'Yojimbo!'. Second, one of Hitchcock's pre-Hollywood films, 'The 39 Steps'. Or, you can choose 'The Station Agent', one of my modern favorites.

Finally, third prize is that ever popular meat candy, BACON. Just because it's third doesn't make it less important. This year, it's Hungarian smoked bacon, enough for two beautiful BLT's or a hell of a lot of bean soup. You could also opt for Wisconsin-made Nueske's if you'd like your bacon pre-sliced. This stuff is great under the broiler, and has the true bacon flavor that seems to be missing from many of the store brands. I fried some of this up to add to a cremini-cheddar risotto last weekend, good stuff.

Now, on to the quiz. We grade on a curve here at CDS Enterprises, and some of these questions will take some work and creative thinking. Since many of the questions relate to the previous answer, working in order might be better for all involved.

1) Name two films that featured two future state governors.

2) Name another that featured one future governor and a chimp.

3) Hal Holbrook has never been a governor. Hal Holbrook has never been president either, but he's played two on TV as well as helping to topple a third in film. Name two films where his good-guy role turns out to be a front, and he's exposed as the villain (Scooby-Doo style, if you will.)

4) Speaking of Scooby Doo (in an offhand sort of way), explain the significance of September 14, 1985 in music history. (It has to do, marginally, with the Pointer Sisters and one of their 'upbeat' songs, if that helps. It went to eleven.)

5) Also on that day, one of the greatest premieres in all of television occurred. The theme song was originally released by Andrew Gold in 1978. Name two films to feature Gold's previous hit, 'Lonely Boy'

6) Now that you're all sexed up thinking about the television show mentioned above, maybe thinking about baseball would help. Who followed Jimmy Blake to the plate, possibly in Massachusetts but just as possibly in California, depending upon who you believe?

7) Speaking of geography, how far is Winnipeg from Montreal?

8) Who told you that distance?

9) Why is that distance in miles instead of kilometers? Burma!

(Sorry, I panicked. I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky, you know.)

10) What do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

11) Finally, which actress was born on the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution, and became a global sensation after starring in one of the great films written and directed by the late Blake Edwards?

Ten questions would have been enough, but this quiz goes to eleven (like the Pointer Sisters). Eleven answers would be impressive, eleven correct would be even better!

To keep things fair and above-board, please email your answers here to avoid anyone using your answers to better their cause.

Winners will be announced January 1st, so get cracking!

Merry Christmas, Ms. Moneypenny...

2010-12-24T23:59:00.002-05:00

Have yourself a merry little one, kids.

Random Acts of Thursday - The Fun Fact Fat Guy Film Finds Foodipalooza

2010-12-23T08:00:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas, kids! Happy holidays, as well, should you not be of the Christmas ilk. Winter is upon us and it's time once again for our annual trivial trivia giveaway! We're currently driving to Wisconsin to be among family and friends for the holiday weekend.

Last year, Nej took top honors and in return, wrote a stellar review of her prize. You could be next! Just be the winner of the following scavenger hunt of facts and you could soon be the proud owner of greatness.

This year, first prize is one of a selection of fine art photographs, matted and framed, by Lori Mason Photography. These works have a retail value of $75, but a current overstock due to our recent relocation means we can offer one of these to you to display proudly in your home or office. There are a lot of different images, and if you win we'll send you a preview gallery to choose from.

Second prize is your choice of classic films, all discussed at some point here at Ye Olde CDSe.

First, Leone's classic 'A Fistful of Dollars', a remake of 'Yojimbo!'.

Second, one of Hitchcock's pre-Hollywood films, 'The 39 Steps'.

Or, you can choose 'The Station Agent', one of my modern favorites.

Finally, third prize is that ever popular meat candy, BACON. Just because it's third doesn't make it less important. This year, it's Hungarian smoked bacon, enough for two beautiful BLT's or a hell of a lot of bean soup. You could also opt for Wisconsin-made Nueske's if you'd like your bacon pre-sliced. This stuff is great under the broiler, and has the true bacon flavor that seems to be missing from many of the store brands. I fried some of this up to add to a cremini-cheddar risotto last weekend, good stuff.

Now, on to the quiz. We grade on a curve here at CDS Enterprises, and some of these questions will take some work and creative thinking. Since many of the questions relate to the previous answer, working in order might be better for all involved.

1) Name two films that featured two future state governors.

2) Name another that featured one future governor and a chimp.

3) Hal Holbrook has never been a governor. Hal Holbrook has never been president either, but he's played two on TV as well as helping to topple a third in film. Name two films where his good-guy role turns out to be a front, and he's exposed as the villain (Scooby-Doo style, if you will.)

4) Speaking of Scooby Doo (in an offhand sort of way), explain the significance of September 14, 1985 in music history. (It has to do, marginally, with the Pointer Sisters and one of their 'upbeat' songs, if that helps. It went to eleven.)

5) Also on that day, one of the greatest premieres in all of television occurred. The theme song was originally released by Andrew Gold in 1978. Name two films to feature Gold's previous hit, 'Lonely Boy'

6) Now that you're all sexed up thinking about the television show mentioned above, maybe thinking about baseball would help. Who followed Jimmy Blake to the plate, possibly in Massachusetts but just as possibly in California, depending upon who you believe?

7) Speaking of geography, how far is Winnipeg from Montreal?

8) Who told you that distance?

9) Why is that distance in miles instead of kilometers? Burma!

(Sorry, I panicked. I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky, you know.)

10) What do they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

11) Finally, which actress was born on the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution, and became a global sensation after starring in one of the great films written and directed by the late Blake Edwards?

Ten questions would have been enough, but this quiz goes to eleven (like the Pointer Sisters). Eleven answers would be impressive, eleven correct would be even better!

To keep things fair and above-board, please email your answers here to avoid anyone using your answers to better their cause.

Winners will be announced January 1st, so get cracking! (No pun intended, I just liked the picture...)

Movie Mania Monday - Two turtlenecks and a beer

2010-12-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

Hey, kids! It's been another cold week here in the O-hi-o, but it hasn't been without warm holiday tidings. I even enjoyed some noodle kugel courtesy of the deli up the street from home. We braved the holiday traffic over the weekend, which explains why I do most of my Christmas shopping online, and right now I feel like I could go for a cup of hot cocoa just in hopes that I could feel my fingers again.

Keep watching this space for further events, kiddoes, the Fun Fact Fat Guy Film Finds Foodipalooza is celebrating it's second year, with lots of goodies in our sleigh.

However, right now, it's time for this week's movie quote. No Googling or using any other search engines (as if anyone uses anything but Google...). Identify the original source of the quote, no movies within movies or characters quoting past films. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the peoples' fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser'.

"Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks."

Allez guessing and joyeux noel, mes amis!

If it's Monday it must be snowing...

2010-12-13T12:30:00.000-05:00

Alright, kids, we've got white-out conditions here in Cleveland, and somehow when The Boss compared his pink Cadillac favorably to a Subaru, I'm sure he wasn't referring to this kind of weather. All-wheel drive might be nice about now.

(And yes, I know people have said, I'm sure rightfully so, that the song has nothing to do with an actual Cadillac. But you take my point, I hope.)

We're going remedial today, because there are still unsolved quotes in our past. Go back and take a look, test your luck and venture a guess! It's almost a Christmas season tribute, since two of the films feature little people, and two of them involve actors who've been in holiday movies in recent years.

Meantime, I'm going to hunker down and imagine I'm curled up with Lori on the sofa, watching the snow from beside a crackling fire.

Stay warm, kids, and allez guessing!

I know a great After Hours joint

2010-12-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

(or...Wherein we re-enter the Valley)

Last Monday, I posted, in the midst of Movie Mania, a discussion on mannequins. Apparently I was so scarred as a child that I never even finished my horrible remeniscense in that post, just trailed off mid-sentence-fragment.

I don't care for mannequins. At all. On a scale of 1 to 10 they're just creepy and undeserving of a number less than a kerjillion.

When I was a kid, my own vivid imagination was my worst enemy. Watching the 'After Hours' episode of The Twilight Zone was enough to creep me out. Add 'Westworld' to that, where Yul Brynner's face explodes. Going to Gimbel's with my mother afterward was even worse. I was convinced all the mannequins were just waiting to come to life and eat me if I got locked in the store overnight.

Worse was when I worked up the courage to touch one, and her hand fell off. Off. In my hand.

Because several large retailers left Milwaukee during my childhood, there was also no end of dismembered mannequin bits lying around abandoned storefront displays.

How you doin'?

Yes, I know they look little or nothing like real people. Tell that to seven-year-old Me. Add to that also my shyness about nudity, and not knowing where to look when the mannequin was naked, and there was no way I could have a mature, reasoned approach to the existence of mannequins.

Damn, now that I re-read this, it's amazing I made it to adulthood as sanely as I did. That said, I'll save the discussion of how I couldn't touch the pages in my National Geographic 'How Animals Hide' book because of the insects on them.

It might just be amazing that I made it to adulthood, period.

Movie Mania Monday - Now with a title! I'm sure that helps a bit.

2010-12-06T20:00:00.001-05:00

Oh, what a wintry day we've had. And really, it is beautiful.

Nobody managed to identify last week's film. Ms. Lee knows it, but she's not sharing. (Does that mean she's getting coal for Christmas?) Also, nobody managed to comment on my sentence fragment last week, but I'll take care of that in a post later this week.

Now onto the contest! As always, rules. No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

Oh god. I just screamed in his face.

Allez Guessing! Meanwhile, I'll be outside shoveling.

Movie Mania Monday - Delays, delays.

2010-12-06T09:00:00.001-05:00

So Cleveland has been hit with the first significant snowfall of the season. It's been snowing more often than not since Friday, I think.

As such, Movie Mania Monday is closed for the safety of our readers. In the meantime, click here for some helpful advice, in the event you've never seen snow before or have lived in sub-tropical climates for the last three winters. For true-to-life advice, I prefer this one.

Cheers.

Fun Fact Friday - Bluffin' with my MacGuffin

2010-12-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

I figured we could start off the return of Fun Fact Friday with a little story from one of the great film directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock:

Two men are riding in a train compartment together. One man says, “What’s that package up there in the baggage rack?” And the other answers, “Oh, that’s the MacGuffin.” The first one asks, “What’s a MacGuffin?” ”Well,” the other man says, “it’s an apparatus for trapping lions in the Scottish Highlands.” The first man says, “But there are no lions in the Scottish Highlands,” and the other one answers, “Well then, that’s no MacGuffin!”

In short, the MacGuffin is a literary device. Unlike a red herring (like Communism, for example), the MacGuffin does not aim to mislead but instead it serves to drive the plot of a story while being unimportant of itself. The MacGuffin puts a story into action, like Janet Leigh stealing forty grand, then leaves the story faster than you can say "Oh God, Mother!"

Hitchcock was a master of the MacGuffin, like Harry in 'The Trouble with Harry', or the original theatre scene in 'The 39 Steps', and the unnamed government secrets in 'North by Northwest'. Also widely regarded as MacGuffins are the briefcase in 'Pulp Fiction', the Maltese Falcon in 'The Maltese Falcon', the egg salad recipe in 'What's Up, Tiger Lily?', and my favorite, the gold in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'.

someone has too much time on their hands...

So remember kids, go out and drive a plot line. Even if it turns out, in the end, you're really not important at all.

Movie Mania Monday - First floor, Dungeon, assorted simple tortures.

2010-11-29T08:00:00.001-05:00

Here's hoping you had a wonderful holiday weekend full of turkey-laden goodness. Here's hoping you stuffed yourself silly on pie. Odds are pretty strong that I did, and this was written before we even left for the holiday!

Last week's movie quote, identified by none other than the Mysterious Ms, was 'The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T', a rare live-action Dr. Seuss story. (Jim Carrey is NOT live-action. Ever.) This one creeped me out as a kid, almost as bad as the Kid Catcher and mannequins. (Really. See 'The After Hours' episode of Twilight Zone and tell me that wouldn't have wigged you out as an imaginative seven-year-old. Especially if the next time you)

As always, rules. No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

Have you been sexually molested yet? Because I can circle the block.

Allez guessing!

Random Acts of Thursday - Over the River and Through the Woods

2010-11-25T08:00:00.003-05:00

We were never big on the extended-family holiday when I was a kid. However, my most memorable Thanksgiving is, in fact, one where we went to my grandmother's house. That was a tough trek, probably 10 or 12 stairs up to her apartment from ours. Phew!

Despite her sweet tooth, my sister was not fond of candied yams. She jokingly shoved the lock closed on the oven while they were baking, and because of the heat, the oven elected to stay locked for about four hours. Sarah was quite pleased with herself that evening, to be sure. Me, not so much.

As you're reading this, we have hopefully completed the 500-mile journey back to Wisconsin to be with family and gorge ourselves on turkey and pie. I realize that some of you have arduous commutes to your family homes for the holiday as well, and as such thought we'd celebrate Grandma, Nana, Oma, Granny, Gramma or whatever you happened to call your female ancestors. The actresses listed below have all portrayed a grandmother on the big screen, some more than once. Identify the films in which each of these women played a grandmotherly role.

Katherine Hepburn
Sandy Martin
Cloris Leachman
Anne Bancroft
Sylvia Sidney
Carol Kane
Billie Bird
Diane Ladd
Holland Taylor
Maureen Stapleton
Eileen Ryan

Show your work, kids! Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Extra credit? Name two other songs besides the one hinted at in the title that also talk about Grandma.

Movie Mania Monday - Don't call me Shirley

2010-11-22T08:00:00.001-05:00

It's been quite the journey this past week, kids. Who knew car batteries could be so expensive, or so heavy? I could make some vague dark matter jokes that only the sci-fi geeks among us would understand, but I won't bother.

As a result of my dead car in the driveway on a day I was scheduled to drive to West Virginia, I had to rent a car. That's right kids, not only do you get a movie quote to guess upon, but you get a coveted Rental Car Review!

I have mixed feelings about Ford products. You may have realized that here or here or here. You may also have heard me refer to Ford Explorers as 'Exploders' more than once. But since beggars shouldn't be choosers, and the local agency only had one car available, Exploder it was. Charcoal gray with a black interior, very few options and quite plain looking. Inconspicuous is probably good, though, and somehow driving my large car with Florida plates through rural West Virginia didn't feel like a good idea, anyway.

The Explorer had a very non-ergonomic seat, and my butt was sore. The headrest pitched forward at a 45-degree angle, and since I don't have scoliosis (I was tested when I was nine) that doesn't complement the natural angle of my neck. However, for a truck equipped with four-wheel-drive, I thought it pulled in some reasonable mileage. It was quick, confident on the winding mountain roads, and the headlamps gave me enough light to see where I was going, not something all cars can say. Truly, if I could have fitted a GM seat and steering column to this, it would get an A+. However, as it stands, we only get a B-.

Staying at a historic rural inn, one that's been in operation since 1839, one would expect the food to be exceptional and authentic. Biscuits and gravy? Yes, please. However, when home-made is made by someone who doesn't normally make gravy, the results are quite sad. It was simply undercooked, runny and smelled and tasted of raw flour. Not the thick, beautiful gravy that even I, an unabashed northern boy, can make with ease. The only thing that rivaled my disappointment over that was the hard, pre-made biscuit. Pilsbury tube biscuits are better. Sad, sad, sad.

Now, onto our raison d'etre. As always, rules. No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

We should always believe children. We should even believe their lies.

Allez guessing!

Movie Mania Mercredi - knock a self a pro, Slick!

2010-11-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is a cop-out. I apparently picked the wrong week to quit drinking, because I couldn't do something as simple as post Monday's post on Monday. But that's okay, my eight years of French class have come in handy to bail me out here. Oh, how I love technicalities.

Oh, I love trick questions, too. Last week's quote, though used in the classic Airplane!, was actually a quote from Zero Hour!, the 1957 suspense film used as the basis for much of Airplane!'s storyline and dialogue.

So there you have it, kids. I'm hoping to return to regularly scheduled programming next week, stay tuned!

Monday Night at the Movies - Couldn't care less about the five nine I'm blowin'

2010-11-08T19:00:00.019-05:00

As many films as I've seen through the years, it has become increasingly rare for me to see them in an actual movie theater. Now with the DVR, I'm even less inclined to go pay $9 to sit in an uncomfortable chair while wearing pants and abstaining from alcohol. However, my local theater is actually local now, just a few minutes up the road instead of half an hour or 28 stop lights away, and apparently Mondays offer matinee pricing all day. I might be able to sit through a few more films if they only cost me $5.

We saw RED on Saturday, and while I hoped for more, it was still enjoyable. And I suppose, what kind of depth of character should I expect from a comic book? I'll take character development if they want to give it to me, but I certainly don't expect it.

It was an overwhelmingly fun movie weekend for me, besides our little outing to the theater. Caught an old Agatha Christie suspense film yesterday morning, and followed it up with the Rodriguez/Tarantino 'Grindhouse' double-feature that I recorded off of IFC past my bedtime Saturday night. Gory, yet amusing. And it included a 'trailer' for Machete, with Johnny Trejo. That trailer was made in '07, and Rodriguez has now actually made the movie. It's on the must-see list.

Slightly more depressing is the news that Mad Max 4 has been pushed back indefinitely. This makes me sad since it was to be shot in the same outback hills as Mad Max 1 and 2, and I was waiting impatiently. They've modified the Interceptor a little, but that just makes it cooler.

And we really need a new movie quote. Since we haven't done this in months, it's only fair we review the rules, right, children? Your goal is to guess the original source of the quote below. No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This is specifically to identify the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

Our survival hinges on one thing - finding someone who not only can fly this plane, but didn't have fish for dinner.
(Which is technically two things, I think, but that's how the quote reads. Can't help it if it's wrong.)

Allez guessing, mes enfants!

Random Acts of Thursday - I had to work a double shift at Cinnabons

2010-10-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

Oh, October, how do I love thee? I love the mist in the mornings, the wind overnight, the smell of fallen leaves, fine seasonal beers and the re-appearance of pumpkin pie in the grocery store. Given proper funding (see button at right) I also have some wonderfully gruesome, children-wetting-themselves Halloween ideas that need to be played out at some point.

And this weekend, Lori and I will be attending a masquerade ball themed around Poe's Masque of the Red Death. Among the tarot readers, headless horsemen and the "Guess who's Death" game, I found a new musical genre that just cries out to be loved: Goth-a-billy.

I'm already a fan of rock-a-billy and psycho-billy, and despite having never worn black nail polish and a floor-length black coat, I love The Cure. This just screams to be downloaded for my listening pleasure, I'm sure.

The band playing at this little soiree is named Cult of the Psychic Fetus. If it wasn't already a band name, Cult of the Psychic Fetus would be a GREAT band name.

Speaking of macabre little pagan holidays, I must say I'm rather disappointed in Food Network even more than normal. As if it isn't bad enough that Sandra Lee gets a Halloween special, last weekend we watched the Food Network Horror Cakes Challenge. Judged by Leatherface himself, these were kindly little cakes with little actual horror. Mock horror, perhaps. Horrificomical? Maybe. But the judges were looking for gumpaste intestines dripping with raspberry blood, the glint of some medieval torture device sawing limbs from exchange students.

And really, who isn't?

And speaking of medieval torture devices, I've noticed an alarming number of dead blogs in my random trolling of the web. People who clutter the limited disk space of the worldwide web with pages that haven't been updated in three or four years or more. Sure, pages like MyDeathSpace can tell us when someone's page isn't updated for a reason, but how many people just forget their passwords or lose interest with no sort of sign-off?

I'll do my best not to do that to my readers. What I will do is leave you with the award-winning costume Lori made for me a number of years ago.

Now, your turn. What's your best Halloween/Autumn memory ever? And for my readers in the southern hemisphere, Spring memories work, too. Until then, stay out of the daylight.

Random Acts of Thursday - Howard's End

2010-10-21T08:00:00.007-04:00

(or, From Mr. C to Mystery)

October 1, 1927 — October 19, 2010

The world lost an icon this week. Tom Bosley passed away at age 83, an American icon and a better father than Cliff Huxtable could ever hope to be. I'm at least certain that Howard Cunningham could kick Cliff's ass around the block, given the need.

Certainly he was a better father than Danny Tanner. And even Joanie Cunningham could kick his ass.

I grew up watching Happy Days, fictionally based in my home town and therefore riveting to an eight-year-old me. However, my favorite Mr. C memory came later in life, watching the Christmas episode where Howard was going to drive Fonzie to Waukesha to see his family for Christmas, and wouldn't be back for many, many hours. I lived in Waukesha at the time, and even without the Interstate, there's no reason it should take two hours to drive from ANYWHERE in Milwaukee to Waukesha.

That Mr. Cunningham, he's good people.

Any other Happy Days memories you'd like to share?

Adjective Noun Day of Week - Interjection! Pronoun verb possessive pronoun adjective verb.

2010-10-15T11:00:00.000-04:00

Verb noun conjunction verb. And you didn't think I could nerd the place up any more. Interjection, verb pronoun.

I seem to be in a mood lately, moreso than normal. It means I'm quite sensitive to the verbal and written gaffes of other people. I did well in English class in school, with the exception of that paper I failed to write on Camus. That's okay, since Sartre is smartre, anyway.

What I don't seem to recall is diagraming sentences. I remember seeing sentence diagrams on television and in movies, but, though I'm certain we must have done these in school, the memory of it has escaped me.

I remember Schoolhouse Rock, with its Conjunction Junction (not as exciting as Petticoat Junction...), Lolly's Adverbs, and that depressing little Mr. Morton wandering about, but I don't remember ever actually applying what I learned on Saturday Morning television to my schooling.

I suppose between Grammar Rock and The Electric Company, there was a lot of education snuck into my entertainment, like the school lunch programs that added pureed prunes to their hamburger patties.

Because really, would you have watched if you thought it was good for you?

The Doob-la-vay Say

2010-10-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

We have a Wisconsin Connection, and that's a good thing. Despite Cleveland feeling much like home, the people and the climate and the environment so similar to Wisconsin it's comforting, we find that the few things we miss outside of family and friends are certain foodstuffs specific to America's Dairyland.

When our friends Bob and the lovely Mrs. Bob made the trek across timezones last weekend, they offered to supplement our food supply with fine Wisconsin comestibles. It seemed unfair to send them all the way to Oconomowoc for Hungarian bratwurst from the Sausage Haus, so I'll get those at Thanksgiving. However, Lori is hooked on Widmer's brick cheese, and no other brick cheese will do. In addition to that, Bob took it upon himself to bring us Usinger's summer sausage and Nueske's thick-cut bacon. Mmmm, bacon.

In return, we headed off to the Westside Market after lunch at Melt Bar and Grilled, and took a brief tour of the city, both the hifalutin' and downtrodden areas. For the record, I have yet to find a sandwich that hasn't been improved by the addition of fried eggs when the option is available.

Sunday, we hit Bob Evans, since it's Ohio-based and therefore relevant. And because I'm an adult, I had pie before my breakfast. Then Diane and I toured waterfalls and Amish country while Bob and Lori waited in line for roller coasters. We were denied Amish baked goods, since the Amish don't work on Sundays, but I did get a 45-pound pumpkin (and a few others) at the roadside market, and we saw snakes and vintage cycles in Chagrin Falls.

And last night I watched Alton Brown make pralined bacon, so I think we know what's going to happen with the Nueske's.

Remember, it's not what you know, it's who you know.

Random Acts of Thursday - Will the real Act of Thursday please stand up?

2010-10-07T08:00:00.001-04:00

So yesterday, in my infinite absent-mindedness, I posted, thinking it was Thursday. That was because I was so convinced that Tuesday was actually Wednesday, I left work having prepared for Wednesday to be Thursday. Even my not getting up at 5:30 so I can drive to Columbus (like I'm doing today, maybe even as you read this) didn't trigger that it was still Wednesday.

Quick trivia for you kids today. As you've figured out already, I love film. Don't have much respect for awards shows or, for that matter, the awards themselves. However, film and trivia? Sign me up.

All of the following actors have won academy awards portraying real people. The added bonus? Each of them portrayed a person who was still alive at the time these films were released.

Spencer Tracy - Father Edward Flanagan in Boys Town (1938)
Gary Cooper - Alvin C. York in Sergeant York (1941)
Patty Duke - Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker (1962)
Jason Robards - Benjamin Bradlee in All the President's Men (1976)
Robert De Niro - Jake La Motta in Raging Bull (1980)
Sissy Spacek - Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter (1980)
Jeremy Irons - Claus von Bülow in Reversal of Fortune (1990)
Susan Sarandon - Sister Helen Prejean in Dead Man Walking (1995)
Geoffrey Rush - David Helfgott in Shine (1996)
Julia Roberts - Erin Brockovich in Erin Brockovich (2000)
Jim Broadbent - John Bayley in Iris (2001/I)
Jennifer Connelly - Alicia Nash in A Beautiful Mind (2001)
Helen Mirren - Queen Elizabeth II in The Queen (2006)

Now, the quiz. You didn't think I'd let you off that easily, did you?

1) Two of the actresses listed above have released albums - one a compilation from one of her films, the other a novelty album released under a fake name. Identify the actresses and albums.

2) Which two of the actors listed above actually died before the characters they portrayed?

See? Two questions. Easy-peasy. Show your work, kids, and spelling counts.

Random Acts of Thursday - He's Alive!

2010-10-06T08:21:00.002-04:00

Not gone, just busy. Not to worry, quizlings, there will be more to tax your life-wearied brains.

Just in case you were worried. And if you really, really need something to do, go ahead and click here. There's unfinished business to attend to.

Oh, and if you're interested (pretend, will you?), there's a wonderful scathing review of my other blog here. Read it and enjoy.

(And yes, it just dawned on me hours later that today is Wednesday, not Thursday. Whoops.)

Random Acts of Thursday - What Knockers!

2010-09-23T08:00:00.001-04:00

There is a time in every boy's life when he encounters his first Playboy. Heck, his first National Geographic, for that matter. And there are the formative films of one's youth.

Since I refuse to grow up, any film that brings on the sexytime is a formative film of my youth. (Though truth be told, I can't even say 'titmouse' without giggling like a schoolgirl.)

At the same time, I can remember the skies opening up for me when I got my first boombox (it was, after all, 1984) and discovered that there were other channels on the dial besides my parents' country station.

As such, I give you this week's quiz! I'll tell you the song, you identify the sexy and the film. Keep in mind sexy doesn't have to be naked (though it doesn't hurt).

1) Moving in Stereo - The Cars

2) Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd

3) LaGrange - ZZ Top

4) Bolero - Ravel

5) Brand New Key - Melanie

6) Slaughter House - Powermad

7) Atomic - Sleeper

8) Sussudio - Phil Collins

I'm sure I'm missing others, feel free to add them in the comments.

Speaking of sexy, it seems my readership has dropped off considerably. Some might logically conclude this is because my writership has also dropped off considerably. However, I figured it might be easier if I just posted gratuitous pictures of boobies.

Enjoy!

And my favorite...

Fun Fact Friday - NFG's In Cleveland Without the Vitamin D

2010-09-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

I have a couple of couches, and as a matter of fact, have been known to fall asleep on the loveseat on more than one occasion.

It turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency. One would find that hard to believe, me, not getting enough dairy? However, it would seem that adult vitamin D deficiency is relatively common in shut-ins and the institutionalized. And if you don't think working in an office all day is the same as being institutionalized, you need to wake up and smell the soothing green walls.

I'm not getting enough sun, eating enough fish or liver, and I apparently need to up my dairy intake. And apparently as we age, and because the American Cancer Society along with the National Sunscreen Coalition have been harping at us about UV rays, wearing sunscreen actually inhibits the body's natural ability to synthesize Vitamin D.

(I'm already sick of typing 'Vitamin D' but somehow abbreviating it as 'VD' might give readers the wrong idea...)

Vitamin D deficiency can prevent your body from absorbing calcium (hypocalcemia) and potassium from the foods you eat, meaning your body will start stealing those minerals from itself. I can end up with osteomalacia, or 'adult rickets'. With my BMI, I don't think brittle bones are a good thing. Apparently, it could also be driving my RLS. See? I'm not kicking Lori in her sleep due to suppressed rage, after all. Proper vitamin D levels could also help prevent certain cancers.

So what then, is an appropriate level of solublized Vitamin D? From the office of 'Well, duuuuuuh!', the Vitamin D Council suggests that the minimum level is 2 1/2 times that which was recommended by the doctor's office. I don't know what my hypochondria is going to do with this conflicting data.

All I know is that I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

Random Acts of Thursday - To Be or Not To Be

2010-09-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

Wait, what was the question?

Growing up in Milwaukee as I did, there were certain 'regionalisms' that I knew early on would have people looking sideways at me, should I say them outside of the metro area. 'Bubbler', for example, instead of 'drinking fountain'. I knew that anyone outside of my geographic circle was probably going to use the term 'pop' instead of 'soda', and when I went to school in Texas, the correct term was 'coke' (much like 'kleenex' instead of 'facial tissue', I'm sure.) My family lived on the city's northwest side, so we didn't pick up any of the Ya dere hey's, y'know's and ain'a's more prevalent in the sout' sider's vocabulary.

When we moved to Florida, I didn't catch too much of this. Since so many of my co-workers were from other places as well (including other countries, not just other states), it was hard to pick up any patterns.

However, now that we're Clevelanders, I've noticed a recurring theme that I can only assume is regional: dropping 'to be' from sentences. Instead of 'That tree needs to be chopped down', I hear 'That tree needs chopped down.' I've noticed it very specifically following (or not following) the word 'needs', and don't know if they're actually missing 'to be' or just having tense issues with their subsequent verb.

This bothers me grammatically more than people who use 'seen' instead of 'saw' (though the day someone says 'I SEED [insert what they saw here]' my head will explode), more than people who say 'fixin ta', and despite my personal mastery of the profane arts in the privacy of my own car, this almost bothers me more than people who work profanity into sentences where it has no right to be.

It even bothers me more than ending a sentence in a preposition.

What colloquialisms, slang terms, or mannerisms are part and parcel of your little slice of geography?

Movie Mania Monday - How Laborious

2010-09-06T08:00:00.046-04:00

Well, I suppose I've been a little rough on you kids. Two weeks ago, I posted a quote that has stuck with me for nearly 25 years since I saw the original film, and yet I'm left feeling I must be more odd than I first surmised.

Here then, is a quiz of movielicious wonderment. You want easy, here's easy. Think of it as a movie-quote version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (Mmmm...bacon....) without me actually making you figure out how each movie relates to the man in question. Instead, each film quoted below relates to the film next to it via common actor. Your only task is to identify the films for each quote.

Remember, as are always the rules for quote contests: Original speaker, no characters quoting other movies. No cheating. This means no Google, Bing, Boggle, Quibble, Jeeves or even Yahoo. We grade on a curve here at CDS Enterprises, with the victor earning the peoples' fame and ovation forever, along with the title of Iron Quote-Guesser.

1) You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

2) That's a major appliance, not a name!

3) Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

4) I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips...

5) You were supposed to fire up! *We* both fired *up*! It's like living with a six-year old.

6) This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

7) I'm no longer a carnivore. I don't eat anything that's ever had parents.

8) It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...

9) Well, I've said it before and I'm going to say it again... There ain't no way, no way, that you could come from my loins.

10) Do you like to gamble, Eddie? Gamble money on pool games?

11) What's a six letter word for a condition of the hypothalamus?

12) Top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?

Allez guessing! And bonus points if you can actually identify the links between each film.

Random Acts of Thursday - I Will Kill Them

2010-09-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

I unwittingly initiated the battle Tuesday night, but my opponents certainly drew first blood. I will have the last.

We haven't had rain lately, so I was out on the front porch watering the plants, trees, shrubbery, and apparently a nest of yellow jackets under said shrubbery, as well.

I turned to spray the pear tree when it happened. A sharp, stinging pain in my leg. I brushed at it, saw nothing. Again, in my side. And again, in the back of my neck. Which is when I turned and saw the swarm of hymenoptera between me and my only egress from the porch, aside from opening the door and letting them follow me into the house.

My neighbors, I'm sure, have video proof of my insanity, because that's the nature of modern life. Eventually I'll be a YouTube sensation, running erratically around my driveway, swinging my arms about, and getting stung mercilessly before running around the back of the house.

And into a locked patio door.

Took off and shook out my shirt on the patio, two or three more wasps fell out.

Got into the house, into the bathroom and shook out my shorts and boxers. Two more little yellow bastards fell onto the floor, dazed and spinning.

All told, we counted nine welts, including a few multiple stings. Considering that I had to run through the swarm AFTER my underpowered human brain came to terms with what was happening, I don't think that's all too bad. I'm also comforted knowing that it would take more than 1000 stings to kill a healthy adult.

But the pain and itching has me out for vengeance. I will kill them.

I did my first bare-handed strangulation here.

2010-08-31T08:00:00.008-04:00

A long, long time ago I can still remember how Rome made me smile.

We've been twice, including our honeymoon, and while spaghetti alla Carbonara is heaven to me, another of Rome's regional hits resonates as a childhood favorite for its combination of cured pork and spicy tomato sauce. I also love tomato season, and the stores by us are starting to carry local produce. To that end, I also also love pasta, but that's hardly breakfast food around our house.

Uova all'Amatriciana

3 Tbsp chopped bacon or pancetta
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp fresh chile paste or 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
2 Cups chopped ripe tomato (plum or beefsteak)
dash cider vinegar
1 tsp kosher salt
2 tsp fresh cracked black pepper

3 eggs, cooked to your taste
toasted ciabatta

In a medium saute pan*, heat olive oil and add bacon. Fry until crispy, then add pepper flakes or chile**. Stir in tomato, vinegar, salt and pepper. Allow the tomato to break down into a liquid state, then reduce by half. Serve over eggs and enjoy!

On our first trip to Rome, our favorite restaurant (seen above) offered 'American-style breakfast' one day. In addition to freshly squeezed orange juice, they brought us scrambled eggs that had been puffed and fried crispy in super-hot olive oil, a flavor and texture I have since replicated and love. This dish would be a nice combination of the two, but seems it would work with any style of egg. I'll actually be trying it with over-easy eggs next, as I strongly suspect the egg yolk will be blissful.

Of course, given more time, this could also be nice with the addition of some bell pepper strips, perhaps some grated onion, and some queso anejo, ricotta salata or another dry, crumbly cheese grated over the top. Throw in some tortillas instead of ~~bruschetta~~ toast, and you've got yourself some huevos rancheros...but that's another post.

(Speaking of another post, I really hope to get back to posting some recipes on a regular basis. If nothing else, it keeps me creative in the kitchen.)

* I bought myself a $5 wok at Ikea a few weeks ago. Much like children will spend all of their time with the newest toy in the box, I've spent more time cooking in this pan than any others we own and it rocks, especially for reducing sauces. I have a taco recipe that I'm itching to share once I get the measurements figured out.

** Because it feels like a shortcut, I feel guilty when I get sucked in by the squeeze tubes of prepared herbs at the grocery store. In particular, I like the hot chiles and the lemongrass, since they're otherwise ingredients I wouldn't have on hand. (Have you ever tried buying one serrano pepper? It barely registers on the scale!) Plus, it means if I accidentally rub my eye after adding chiles to a dish, I won't immediately and for hours on end regret my unconscious decision to do so.

Random Acts of Thursday - Elementary, my dear Watson!

2010-08-26T08:00:00.003-04:00

I've been remiss.

Several weeks ago, I waxed (on, wax off) about the chronological advance of my childhood crushes. Somehow, I neglected to include Jodie Foster on that list. Also in that episode, despite mentioning Phoebe Cates, I failed to post the quintessence of Phoebiness, her Fast Times bikini shot.

I'm here to rectify that.

I've also been lacking in the movie and music trivia department of late.

I'm here to rectify that.

Wait, this doesn't cut it? Fine, then.

Something that bothers me regularly, if you'll forgive the lack of segue, is our nation's need to endlessly remake films. Sure, there are some original ideas out there, but really, did The Karate Kid cry out for a Jackie Chan remake? Pat Morita must be rolling over in his grave. (Wait...is Pat Morita dead? I should probably check that out...) And if they're not remakes of old movies, old TV shows, or bad Saturday morning cartoons, they're sequels, which I always assume are bad. Saves me going to the movies, my couch is far more comfortable.

It's as though we can't come up with original ideas. I have lots of original ideas, myself, but few of them ever see completion. I'm recruiting, Crappy Unfinished Novel Time needs more creative input. I'll keep posting my stuff, but really, anyone is welcome to contribute, free of charge.

I'm also soliciting for reader input here at the CDS. Email me your questions, however trivial or inane. It's called filler, people!

Also, while I've not been writing many posts lately, the larger crime is that I haven't been reading many other blogs, either. And commenting on fewer. I apologize to the many talented and creative writers who bless the Internet with their work.

But finally, it's quiz time! I'll bet you thought it would never happen.

Every time it's shown on television, I get sucked into The Fifth Element. (Happened again last Friday, when I picked up the last ten minutes.) Besson's editing is quick and I love every minute of it. Milla Jovovich isn't bad, either. As far as current science is concerned, there is no 'fifth element'. However, there are four other elements, earth, water, air and fire, that deserve equal billing.

Therefore, onto the quiz.

1) Name three songs (along with the performing artist) that mention earth (or some variation on the theme) in lyrics.

2) Ditto for fire.

3) Ditto for air.

4) See where we're going with this? List three songs that mention water in some form.

5) A question for Bob, name a song that mentions water in addition to my favorite dessert.

6) Name five bands that reference one of the four elements in their band name.

7) Name two bands that reference, rather than one of these elements, an element from the periodic table, as their name.

8) Identify the band whose song about an airborne conveyance, while lyrically not qualified for an answer above, uses two elements to achieve lift.

9) Name the author and 1962 book whose central premise is the same as the name of that band.

10) Finally, which band released an album by the same name as the band from question 8 (mysteriously close to the time the band in question 8 took their name)?

As always, we grade on a curve here at the great and powerful CDS. Show your work, kids!

And with special thanks to Dave Barry (along with Strunk and White) as an early influence on my sensibilities, 'Elements of Style' would be a great name for a band. Just sayin.

An observation

2010-08-24T08:00:00.007-04:00

I'm not sure if you see the recent crackdown on condiment abuse in your neighborhood, but in mine they've grown quite serious. There is an allowable 'nugget-to-sauce' ratio that cannot be breached. Want barbecue AND honey mustard? Too bad, that'll cost extra.

Are the youth of today getting a sugar buzz from downing sweet-and-sour shots after school, high-fructose corn syrup coursing through their veins? Is there a rash of tomato-based meth labs spreading across the heartland of America that we can no longer have ketchup pumps in plain view? What's next, are we to provide our name and address, photo ID's checked and double-checked if we ask for two jellies with our English muffin? Black-market counterfeit ranch dressing dealers in the back lot of Wendy's?

Where does it end???!?!

Evenutally, I think we'll see the grocery store bagging our condiments in plain brown paper. And I don't want to live in that world.

Unless, of course, there's some real money to be made in black market condiments. If so, I'm there.

Movie Mania Monday - Fear not, little ones!

2010-08-23T08:00:00.004-04:00

It's been a long, long time. I'm such a sight. Though I doubt I'm looking better than a body has a right to.

Busy, busy times at the Chez NFG. But we're trying, and you, dear readers, have stuck with me. Shows you're not a fickle lot, and I appreciate that. It's barely been two weeks that I've been away, but it feels much longer. At least in that time I've managed to get an Ohio driver's license. And only three visits to the OBMV to do so! I think it's a new record.

And as it's been over a month since the last installment of movie quote trivia, let's recap the rules, shall we? No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week:

The problem! It's happening again! I need fruit!

Allez guessing!

God didn't buy me a satellite

2010-08-10T18:00:00.001-04:00

Not that I expected Him to, nor did I ask. Certainly, there are far larger things going on in the world than my having to listen to broadcast radio.

All the same, having spent the last three months nearly commercial-free, almost always finding music to suit my mood, whatever mood that may be, suddenly being faced with static, lost stations, non-stop ads, unwitty 'witty morning banter' and country music (actually, it's both kinds: country and western) is like torture.

(And not the good kind, with spankings...)

It was something, driving to lunch with typical early-80's new wave in the background, only to get back in the car after some great tacos to nothing. Well, an XM advertisement looping non-stop, but not early-80's new wave, to be sure.

I can't say they didn't warn me. I ignored the mail, the phone calls at inopportune times, even the emails. Because part of me cringes at the idea of paying for radio. However, that part is the one with no short-term memory, the holier-than-thou part of my brain that forgets we hate commercials, unwitty 'witty morning banter' and country music. It's also the same part of my brain that hates buying bottled water or paying for cable, but those are completely different subjects.

I'm just going to have to break down and pay the XM piper, aren't I?

On an unrelated note, have you noticed the trusty sidebar here at CDS Enterprises? There's a nifty little PayPal button over there, where you can achieve great esteem in the eyes of this site's author by donating to the XM cause.

No? Then at least click the email link and ask the nerdy fat guy an interesting question. It's the least you could do.

Fun Fact Fruesday - I'm Cracking Up

2010-08-03T18:00:00.008-04:00

This is a tirade. I won't go into detail on the Herculean ordeal of trying to get an Ohio driver's license. I won't even go into detail as to why I urgently need an Ohio driver's license, or why Florida sucks.

And Florida does, indeed, suck like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

And no, this isn't a tirade about the Dyson guy, either. But really? Seventeen years researching vacuum cleaners and their shortcomings? Guess who doesn't get invited to many parties.

...besides me, smartass.

No, this is a long-overdue rant regarding one of my favorite childhood snacks. Cracker Jack has been part of the American landscape since 1893. In 1912, Cracker Jack started inserting prizes into their boxes, like cast metal figurines, pinball machines, marble mazes and Duesenbergs.

Crackerjack used to mean 'something pleasing or excellent', back in old-timey days. Those old-timey-ers didn't set their standards very high, apparently.

But today, following the never-ending saga of OBMV* disappointment, I opened a bag of Cracker Jack to ease my weary soul. Instead of a whistle or a stealth jet, I got a pencil topper.

And even that sucks. It's the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

When I was a lad, a wee youth, a 'pencil topper' was a fancy eraser, like my green Frito Bandito, in all of his politically incorrect erase-y goodness. He smelled of failure, like all good erasers should.

What did I get today, though?

A piece of freaking paper with slits in it. Wow, Cracker Jack, thanks for trying. Way to phone that one in. Didn't strain yourself with that mental effort, did you?

That bag of Cracker Jack, with peanuts that simply refused to commingle with the popcorn, cost far more than I should ever have to pay for a snack. And on a bad day, getting a temporary tattoo or a prismatic magnifying glass or Miss August 1998 would have brightened my day, at least a little bit.

Even the 'fun fact' is far from fun. Even the kids who ate paint chips while we were growing up know that pencil 'lead' is graphite. That's not fun. And I think I know fun facts.

On further investigation, it seems I don't even own a pencil. This day just keeps getting better.

In summary: Cracker Jack is run by cheap, communist bastards. And I still don't have an Ohio driver's license. But at least I feel a little bit better having gotten this off my chest.

*To clarify: OBMV is the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, not One Bad Mamma Vamma

**Also to clarify: I checked my trash, and I only paid $1.29 for my bag of Cracker Jack. But still, I've been ripped off.

Random Acts of Thursday - Still Old After All These Years

2010-07-29T08:00:00.002-04:00

I am old. What's worse, I feel old. Until this week, I've been able to live in grand denial about my age, 39 being one of the mystical non-ages. I ignore my crotchety old man tendencies, and still don't leave the house in shorts and black socks, I'm not perfecting a comb-over, and I rarely yell at those damn kids to stay off my lawn.

And I'm not a pop-culture junkie when it comes to celebrity news and such, not at all concerned about LiLo's 24-hour suicide watch or what Mel Gibson has to say to you, me, or the mother of his child.

But I had to shudder when I saw the most recent cover of AARP magazine. Valerie Bertinelli looks good. Very good. One might have a difficult time believing she's 50. (One might also have a difficult time believing she used to be married to Eddy Van Halen...) She was one of my few childhood celebrity crushes, and I'd watch 'One Day At A Time' religiously, probably not understanding most of the jokes, but really, really liking Barbara.

These types of crushes are not people you want showing up on the cover of AARP magazine. Not even on the swimsuit issue.

I know, you just shuddered at the thought of that issue. Or at least I did.

AARP magazine should be featuring active seniors like Betty White, Orville Redenbacher and Morgan Freeman.

See? This looks right. But not Valerie Bertinelli. Can't accept it.

Bo Derek? Maybe, since she's been an adult the whole time I've been aware of women, but I don't see her lining up for the early bird special or wintering in Sun City, Arizona. But Valerie? Certainly not. No, Valerie should remain ageless, thus allowing me to imagine that I am ageless as well, that I have all my hair and that the paunch isn't nearly as pronounced as it looks from this angle.

Other crushes are rapidly approaching the half-century mark as well. Phoebe Cates? 47. Kristy McNichol? Almost 48. Tatum O'Neal? Nearly 47.

I guess I just need to take this 'old age' thing one day at a time. Maybe that swimsuit issue isn't as far out as I thought...

The Great Wall of N

2010-07-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

I like older homes, homes that have some character to them. I understand that 'character' usually means 'expense', and sometimes means 'big mess'.

When we moved to Florida, we rented a newer home, with a contemporary layout. This meant that all of the main living area, while technically divided by a half wall, was really one big room, and the secondary bedrooms and garage combined occupied less square footage than the master suite. Really. I could have stored the Spruce Goose in our master bedroom, and yet we had to walk sideways through the garage if we ever parked a car in there. Our neighbor would work on his truck at three A.M., and one time while I was on the road for work, the alarm system, which we never activated or armed, went off early one morning until Lori was able to rip the plug from the wall. Our yard shared its rear boundary with an open road where teens would drag race in the wee hours of the morning, because somewhere along the way, Floridians decided they no longer wanted big, private yards.

In contrast, the first home we bought after we were married was built in 1952 by Lori's grandparents. It was a beautiful home, with proper scale, division of public and private spaces, and views of the lake. It killed us to sell it. However, when we'd get a heavy rain, the window wells would fill up at the back of the house and flood the basement since the yard was dense clay sloped to the house. There was a fair amount of asbestos in the flooring, which wasn't an issue unless you ripped it up. We did. But the windows were original to the house, and better insulated and less drafty than newer replacements ever could have been. In winter, our roof was the only one in the neighborhood with a perfect blanket of snow instead of long icicles and patterned patches of bare roof. On those cold winter days, I chopped wood and we cozied up by the fireplace. We had great neighbors, every one of them. And it was home.

The next home we purchased, in Florida, was built in 1971. Again, the rooms were properly scaled, you could sit and read in the living room without being blown out by the television in the family room and the private spaces were separated from the public spaces. The public spaces all faced the side and back of the home, so there was never that 'on display' feeling that you get with some homes. And it wasn't perfect, but we did things to make it ours, made plans for additional changes, planted trees and flowers and had a certain level of home-y comfort surrounding us. The neighbors who made an effort to interact were great neighbors. It was 'home', for lack of anything better. But some of you may remember last December's plumbing fiasco. There went the Christmas budget.

Now in Ohio, we're renting again. The home was built in 1966, but refurbished before we moved in. It feels like home. Same pattern as above, separation, privacy, et cetera, nice yard, nice neighbors. We've done a little landscaping to make the front of the house more inviting, make the rear deck lush. We've bought other little things to make the house feel like ours.

But the deal with renting, the BIG deal, is all the little things. Our landlord is engaged, responsive, and seems to have a vested interest in our residential experience. The work he had done before we moved in was impressive. And when our wall oven died, when it just wouldn't light after 44 years of dutiful service, he had a service tech at the house that week. When it was determined that parts no longer exist, a new wall oven, an unusual and non-stock size was ordered. And when Jim and Jim showed up to install the new unit on Saturday, he was there as they finished to check out their work and settle their bill. He was there to call the landscaper, when the lawn wasn't coming in like he expected. He was there to call his handyman when an outlet proved to be dead. And all of these things come along with my monthly rent.

Sure, I enjoyed home ownership, but many of the aspects I enjoyed don't require ownership. I mow my lawn, because I enjoy it. We planted plants and a Japanese maple because we like those items and it makes it feel more like home to us. We put up drapes, we're hanging pictures, I ran cable to the family room for our television, but in the end, any investment we make in our home now is our choice, and any of the big things can be deferred to a higher power. I don't have the stress of unexpected costs like the oven dying or a clogged main sewer line or a hailstorm ripping off shingles or the garage door coming off the track.

Because that's what rent is for.

The Hair Apparent

2010-07-07T08:00:00.005-04:00

Yesterday would have been Magdalena Carmen Frieda Kahlo y Calderón's 103rd birthday. (Thank you, Google!) And sure, she was a fantastic painter, surreal, edgy - especially for the '40's - and unapologetic. But really, whenever you think of Frida, you think of the unibrow. Admit it.

In particular, I always think of this painting.

Or at least I did. It made me think of Willie Nelson. Now I'll be fighting to keep this one out of my brain:

So it goes.

In other news of the hirsute, this guy just turned down $1 million for solving a math problem, just because he used another mathematician's work as the basis for his final solution.

In case you were worried, let me just remind you that not all mathematicians look like that. Some of them look like this:

And even if she did rock the U.B. she'd still be hot. AAAhhhhnd, with that picture, I have just quadrupled the number of hits this post will receive. Don't you just love math?

Love, American-Style

2010-07-05T21:47:00.000-04:00

Has it really been almost two weeks since I wrote to you, kiddoes? Probably, kids. Life moves pretty fast. I passed my one-year Blogiversary without fanfare, but I think 234 posts in 365 days is pretty good, for me.

Now, in the summer of my discontent, I've been spammed, my punishment for paying little attention to you, dear readers.

But oh, what a holiday weekend it's been! Plantings, big and small, have adorned our little abode and made it a little more 'ours'. We have a Japanese maple again, and I'm thrilled that thanks to the graft, we actually have two different varieties of these beautiful trees.  Flowers in pots and boxes, red, blue, black and white, brown and yellow. Discovered baby rabbits under one of the carefully planted shrubs around our house, explaining why the Dammit has been so interested in that side of the deck.

Took the bikes out, and lo and behold, HILLS!  Curving roads, and more hills. Things...To...See. Llamas (which are quadrupeds, and live in large rivers like the Amazon...), barns for sale, streams and falls and classic cars. Really should get it titled, like soon.

Fired up the grill not once, but twice.  Tuna and summer squash on the patio last night, with cherry pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert. Tonight, ribeyes and corn enjoyed in air conditioned comfort, because I never adapted to the heat during our stay in America's Wang, and we finally toasted the giant marshmallows I bought just for being giant marshmallows. That was quite the sticky mess, but once a year is good for me. This doesn't mean I don't have room for more pie, calling to me from atop the cabinet.

Last night we walked to the town's fireworks display. We were going to drive, until I saw people parking in front of our house and walking from even further with their blankets and chairs. The walk wasn't as far as I'd expected, and we enjoyed what was undoubtedly one of the best small-town displays I've ever seen, sitting on our blanket and staring at the clear night sky filled with all manner of shapes and colors to the accompaniment of Sousa marches.

So it was a good weekend all around. One might say I loved it. Here's hoping you enjoyed yourselves, as well, and that you finished the weekend with as many fingers as you had when it began.

Random Acts of Thursday - I'd rather fight than switch...

2010-06-24T08:00:00.001-04:00

I am important. And not just self-important, but other people rely on my knowledge and insight. I have a lofty important title at work. I have a corner office. A real office, not just a glorified cubicle, my desk and door are both made of wood (or wood particulate...let's not split hairs.)

All that said, I find it necessary to share that yesterday, I wore baby blue boxer shorts covered in flying pigs. Monday, little race cars.

I haven't always worn boxers, I grew up tight and white, snug as a thug. Cool white cotton, softly cradling my 'personal area'. Somewhere along the line, I started the slow transition to boxers (briefs with loose dress pants, boxers with jeans), and once I made the final transition in my mid-20's, I haven't looked back.

Sure, I could still wear tighties, and I could also tuck my tee shirt into them like they do in the ads. But really. Briefs and I had a parting of the ways, and never again will we meet. Can you see me in my BVD's, gloriously parading like King Fahd on some Saudi beach?

You can now, I'm sure.

I've tried the Switzerland of undergarments, the boxer brief, and while I could see the appeal while wearing loose-fitting shorts at the gym, said gym membership was also 'brief', and back to boxers I went.

What about you, dear reader? What fantastic or failed experiments have you experienced in the fine world of undergarments?

Monday Night at the Movies - Because Morning Movie Mania is so darn early

2010-06-21T22:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, kids, I know it's a little late. Send the wee ones off to bed, settle in with the popcorn, and get ready to go!

Last week was a busy one, quick trip to the Garden State via LaGuardia, which meant my first time ever seeing the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty and Evander Holyfield. Looked like a genuinely nice guy, but I am embarrassingly low on nerdy pugilistic facts, and slow with the camera, so you'll just need to stay content with the story.

Oh, and the risotto! When we got home Friday evening, I went to the local organic market, and found just what I wanted: freshly shelled peas, organic cultured butter, good hard parmesan, chicken stock. I do have pictures of that, but that's not the point of today's post.

Instead, let's play that Monday game we all know and love! Two weeks ago the mysterious L correctly identified 'Auntie Mame' as the movie of the week. Now, a review of the rules is in order (for my lack of short-term memory, not yours.) No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week!

If they ever start giving out prizes for running away, YOU'LL be Champion of the Universe!

Get cracking, childrens!

Random Acts of Thursday - Let the torture continue...

2010-06-17T08:00:00.006-04:00

Happy Thursday, kids! It's opposites day here at Worldwide NFG, and since many of you struggled to find the lyrics that fit perfectly around last week's numbers quiz, I figured I'd make life ever so slightly easier. Don't know why, since as you read this, I'm probably here, in traffic.

Or possibly here, also in traffic:

I hope the tunnel's not really as blurry as it seems in the picture.

It's only a day trip for work, (and I have the Cheap Trick version of that song in my head...) but I've neglected you for so long, wouldn't want to leave you hanging for the whole week. I was out of the house by 4:30 this morning to get to the airport. Fun times.

Should be a simple quiz this time around for those of you who groused about the pain I caused you last week. Fill in the blanks, children! Unfortunately, as the blanks should explain themselves based on the lyrics, you have to guess at the number of digits, unlike last week where the spaces were properly counted for you on the missing words. Didn't figure that one out, did you?

The man in the coon-skin cap by the big pen wants __ dollar bills, you only got __

I'm a man, I'm __ and I like it

I would walk __ miles and I would walk __ more

Gotta be a big rock star I got it turned up to __

Work __ hours, __ days a week, just so I can come home and kiss your cheek

I'm hot-blooded, check it and see, got a fever of __

Whip out my big __-inch

It was __ years ago today

For __ years, we've been on our own.

In __ we took a little trip

Rollin' in my __.__ got the ragtop down so my hair can blow

By the time we got into Tulsa Town, we had __ trucks in all.

Marie is only __ years old, information please

__ red balloons floating in the summer sky

'Cause it's murder by numbers, __, __, __

I'm not the cat I used to be, I've got a kid, I'm __ baby.

__ holes in Blackburn, Lancashire

And yes, I know a few of these came off the same album. I grade on a curve, so here's hoping you do well. Bonus points again for the artists.

Random Acts of Thursday - Music by the Numbers

2010-06-10T08:00:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a little more than usual about music, and revisiting a lot of 80's new wave stuff, among others. The XM is addicting, no commercials and almost always a good song somewhere on the dial. (Dial? Am I 90?) Somehow, I got to thinking about numbers in lyrics, and all you have to do is finish the lyric. Bonus points for naming the artist.

4,3,2,1 _____ _____ __, ________, _______
1 __ ___ _________ ______

2 __ ______, 2 ______ ____ ____ __ 1

6 ____ __ ___ ____ ___ ___ _____ ____ __ ____ _______

_ ___ 7 _____ __ __ ____

____ ________ ____ __ '63

65 _ ___ 17

____ _ ___ 21 __ ___ _ ____ ____ ____

______ __ 9 ___ _ _____ ___ ______

___ __ ____ 3 ___, ___ ____ _ ____ ____ ____ ___ __ _____

___ ____ _____ __ _____ 66

__ ___ ____ 2525

____ ____ 1 ___ ______ __ 12 ____ __ _____ _____

_______ _____ ______ __ ___ _____ 25 __ 6 __ 4

_ ____ _____ 55

_____ ___ 17

_ _____ __ _____ ____ 6 _____ __ __ ___ 5 ___ ____

______ 187 __ _ ______ ______ ___

______ 16 ______ _________ ___ ______ ____

__ ____ _ ______ _____ ____ _______ ____ _________ 4 ____ __ ___ ___ ___ ____ ____ _____ __ ______

Fill in the blanks, kids! I'm counting on you.

The SPITWAD Chronicles - Bridging the Gap

2010-06-08T11:00:00.002-04:00

A while back, I wrote about Todd Bridges, and how I was amazed that he was still alive. I wouldn't have called it. Honestly, if you'd asked fifteen, twenty years ago, I would have picked Lloyd Bridges to outlive Todd Bridges.

Even with the glue sniffing.

Now, as we mourn the passing of Arnold "Whatchoo talkin bout" Drummond, aka Gary Coleman, security guard extraordinaire, (and we are mourning...mourn, damn you!) I have to ask once again, did anyone really expect Todd Bridges to be the sole survivor of the original 'Diff'rent Strokes' cast?

And okay, Charlotte Rae, born in my hometown of Milwaukee, is still out there making movies, but at 84, I still think Todd might be in the running. Conrad Bain, 87. Not doing much of late, might even have died and nobody noticed. Anyone?

But if you ignore the facts, (and take the good, you take the bad...) you'd think Todd Bridges was selling the souls of his castmembers for eternal life.

(Speaking of eternal life, that Golden Girls reunion is looking at a change of venue...too soon?)

Alas, poor Arnold. We knew him, Willis.

Movie Mania Monday-ish - The Return of the King

2010-06-07T19:42:00.000-04:00

And it's good to be the king.

Must apologize, kids, this little Ohi-atus has dragged on far longer than I expected. The old PC is just simply incapable of booting up, and I am without a ready alternative unless I borrow Lori's laptop when she's not using it. Plus, things are just quite busy here in the Buckeye State. There's so much to see, and the new car is already overdue for its first oil change on my watch after the drive from Florida, a weekend trip to Wisconsin, and several client visits in southern Ohio and Pittsburgh as well as our little Sunday drives.

Plus, did I mention that I gave up caffeine? It was a good thing, especially from Lori's point of view, since my snoring seems to have quieted a bit from the decibel level that killed Pete Townshend's hearing. I'm not nearly as high-strung. However, even after almost a month, I'm still experiencing withdrawal from the high levels I used to consume, and I could really use a nap.

I mowed the back yard for the first time yesterday, and uncovered wild strawberries in the process (after mowing half of them...). Since they just re-reseeded the front a few weeks ago, it will be a while before I can mow that, but at least it looks like a real, useable space behind the house now. Just need a pad for the grill and we'll be in business. There are still a few lizards running around the patio, confused about their change of venue. Just wait until winter hits, they won't have a clue what's going on.

Because it's been so long since we here at CDS Enterprises (a division of NFG Worldwide) have run a movie quote, you'd think I'd lob you an easy one. Blade Runner was on last night, and I could throw out a simple one from that gem, but that wouldn't be any fun at all.

Of course, since it's been months since we did one of these, a review of the rules is in order. No Google or other web searches, you should know the quote by yourself. This should be the original source of the quote as well, no characters quoting other movies, and certainly no movies within movies (like 'Touch of Evil' in 'Get Shorty'). Which reminds me. If you haven't seen 'Touch of Evil', 'Get Shorty' or 'Blade Runner', you really should. Netflix those puppies. Should you guess the quote correctly, you'll win the people's fame and ovation forever, along with the title of 'Iron Quote Guesser', along with all associated accolades. Now, onto the quote of the week!

"Oh, my my my my, what an eager little mind. You won't need some of these words for months and months."

Allez guessing, kids!

Compunction Junction, what's your dysfunction?

2010-05-27T08:24:00.000-04:00

As I try to get the screechings of Pauly Shore out of the back of my head (buuudddie!), indicating that I've seen the requisite 'too many' Pauly Shore movies, I find myself a week later than the last time I checked in with you kids.

My indication last week that I might have the flu was, in fact, false. Apparently, despite our childhood memories, the real Influenza virus is respiratory, and there is no 'stomach flu'. So whatever still has a death grip on my GI tract is as yet unnamed. Fun times.

But I'm so excited about the things we'll get to share, dear readers, once I get in the groove of Ohio-izing myself. We took a great drive into Amish country this weekend, it's so nice to live somewhere with hills and curves in the countryside again. Got to see little buggies racing along at rather impressive speeds.

And to a counter-point, there was the rambler (homeless or not) wearing a very real shiny metal pointy crown as he walked down the side of the on-ramp. No cheap cardboard imitations for him, no sir.

Would that I had more to share, I feel bad. Please feel free to read my old posts as though you've never seen them before, in particular, check out last August where comments are still ripe for the leaving.

I'm in an awful state here...

2010-05-20T15:40:00.000-04:00

No, not Ohio. I like it here very much. No, the state of which I speak is the dreaded flu. As in, 'my will to live flu out the window around 2 AM Tuesday...'. This really took me out, big time.

I'm still sick, but at least I'm not writhing in pain (at the moment), so I thought I'd beat a dead horse here ever so briefly. Last week, I asked you to name three states other than Ohio mentioned in song over the years. Didn't get many responses, which was sad. As such, I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of states that I can recall being mentioned in song, even with my nutrition-deprived gray matter, all you have to do is come up with any of the songs for each state.

Bonus, one song mentions eight of them, that'll get you almost halfway there if you know it.

Alaska
Alabama
Arizona
California
Colorado
Georgia
Idaho
Kentucky
Louisiana
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Nebraska
New York
Ohio
Oklahoma
Tennessee
Texas
Wisconsin
West Virginia

(Disclaimer - no dead horses were actually harmed in the writing of this post. Which leads me to a thought that pops into my head from time to time. In college, I once wrote "Walt Whitman beats his horse to death just so he can beat a dead horse." in reference to 'Leaves of Grass'. Safe to say I'm not the man's biggest fan.)

Whatever floats your motorboat

2010-05-15T22:19:00.001-04:00

We here at CDS Enterprises, a division of Worldwide NFG, try our best to make Cheesehead Displacement Syndrome a mix of culture and humor. A place where reading makes you smarter, gives you something to think about before you go to sleep at night, and something to discuss around the water cooler, if such things actually happen.

However, it would appear that our target audience and our actual audience don't overlap. I give you stories about how poultry reproduces, or where SkeeBall came from, educational quizzes from film and music, or a myriad of well-thought rental car reviews, and all you want is this:

Children. The lot of you. (Yes, this depiction is in my basement. No, I didn't draw them. No, I didn't label them, either.)

I get a fair amount of traffic, maybe a hundred or so hits a day. For my little corner of the interweb, that's a big deal to me. But when news came out that Danica McKellar was posing in lingerie again, this time for Maxim Magazine, I couldn't keep up with the hits. Hundreds an hour from all over the world.

Do I think any of those viewers even bothered to read the pointed article attached regarding the Erdos-Bacon number? Doubtful.

So that's it. Do I take this lying down, accept that people come here for the boobies and nothing else?

Of course not. That would be selling out, cheapening our message to suit the carnivorous yearnings of a few 12-year-old boys with Internet access.

And we have more moral fiber than that.

Danica McKellar Danica McKellar Danica McKellar.

Random Acts of Thursday - Road Trip Randomosity

2010-05-13T07:01:00.001-04:00

As I may have mentioned, I had a lot of time to myself in the car on the drive from Florida to Ohio. This meant lots of time to devise quiz questions for the lot of you while taking advantage of my 90-day free trial of XM radio. Show your work, kids!

1) Name four songs about Ohio

2) We drove through a lot of other states on our way here from Florida, but only one of those states features in 'classic' song lyrics (meaning song lyrics I've heard, or song lyrics that WEREN'T first released in the last year.) Name two songs that feature this state in the title.

3) Name three other states mentioned by name in song lyrics.

4) Name three television shows based in Ohio.

5) If you didn't come up with CSNY's 'Ohio' as one of the answers to Question 1, shame on you. This song commemorated a tragic event that passed its 40th anniversary on May 4th. What university is referenced in this song?

6) Speaking of four dead in Ohio, my new state is referred to as 'The Mother of Presidents', having produced eight out of 44 US presidents. All eight are dead. Name four of them.

7) One of those men was president while the events portrayed in the film 'Young Guns' took place. Another later president shares his first name and middle initial with an artist whose song sampled the film. Name the artist and song, along with both presidents.

8) Because the pinnacle of success for any musical artist should be a fine luxury automobile, name three songs that center around Cadillacs.

9) Which Ohio-born former president is the namesake of the elementary school in a holiday classic filmed, in part, in Cleveland, though based in another state entirely? I've told you once. Go ask Mjenks, he knows.

10) Which movie based in Cleveland and featuring one of the stars of Young Guns was filmed, in part, in my home town of Milwaukee?

As always, I grade on a curve. Partial credit will be given for partial answers. No credit will be given for smart remarks, unless they're really funny.

Same As It Ever Was

2010-05-11T22:09:00.003-04:00

As I woke this morning, bleary-eyed and still unsure of my surroundings, the day didn't feel any different from others. Cool, rainy, a perfect day to sleep in while the rest of the family goes off to do their things, while I loll about, eating cake for breakfast and wishing I could work on the projects around the home for which I took off the entire week. Because we just moved, I did NOT take the second week of May as vacation this year.

It's almost always cold and rainy this week in May, I know this because for many, many years I have taken this week off, in an attempt to ignore our culture of celebrating the aging process so blatantly. I didn't do that this year, this year I faced my aging head-on, and it went remarkably well, I suppose. There were no balloons and confetti in my office, no gibes about my creaking bones as today I achieve the near pinnacle of agedness, I 'turned' 39.

This is not my beautiful car...

It really didn't click over like a cheap odometer, or a 1974 clock radio with the flappy numbers, it just kind of happened. It arrived like so many other days, and as I've passed the years, the days seem less and less significant.

Most recently, I celebrated my 30th. I actually made a point to plan an outdoor picnic for family and friends, a day spent in the park playing volleyball and grilling red meat. Prior to that, I may have celebrated my 12th birthday, with some minor fanfare for the 15th and an impromptu cake-and-candling by my college roommate at 20. Otherwise, I have made every effort to ignore the day, letting it pass like 364 of its brethren.

Today, I found it difficult to tie my shoes. One might blame this on age, but I doubt it. More than likely, I can't tie my shoes due to my mass. Weight, like age, is just a number. A much larger number.

When I was young I set goals and dreams based on age. I thought that by 25, I'd have a job I loved, a career. I'd have a wife and kids, a home in the country. Twenty-five came and went. That subsequent year, time passed and I wasn't sure how to handle that goal lost. I hit 26. No big deal, but when 27 rolled around, I was devastated. No family. Every day going to work was a crushing weight. And while I'd been in my apartment for a few years, that hardly passed for a country estate.

This is my beautiful wife...

Not quite eleven years ago, I met Lori. Shortly thereafter, I met her daughters. Our relationship grew slowly, ever slowly, and since I'd given up my expiration-dated dreams, I fought the relationship for a while. But now, I have a beautiful wife. Beautiful daughters. A large luxury automobile. (Where does that highway go to? Under the water, carry the water.) Six weeks ago, I started a new job, one for which I'm so excited by the possibilities I can hardly contain myself. No home in the country, but it is a beautiful house.

This is me, barely containing myself...

So there you have it. Empirical evidence that 39 is the new 25. Now I just need a giant suit.

Deja Vu All Over Again

2010-05-10T22:45:00.000-04:00

Oh, dear reader, how I've missed you. It's been a busy week at Chez NFG, what with the packing and the unpacking and the driving and such. N'glavin.

For anyone who doesn't already know, we're now Ohioans by residence, if not yet legally. (Still featuring America's Wang on the license plates and driver's licenses. Can't do everything at once, you know....) I've been working here, off and on, for the last six weeks, we're finally permanently ensconced. No more hotel pillows for me, thank you.

Somewhere in the midst of this, I passed the 50-mark on subscribers to this little queso-centric world o' mine, so I thank each and every one of you kiddoes, my dear, dedicated readers. You deserve so much better, you really do, so I'm gracious for every little word you choose to read here. We'll get this train back on track soon enough. I've been dreaming up new quizzes, and there are pictures and stories to share. (And I'll be here when the day is new, and I'll have more ideas for you.)

Our movers were great, and ask and ye shall receive, we had the same driver that moved us to Florida back in '07. Mike is a wonderful guy, and seeing that big white and yellow truck in front of the house brought back memories. He recognized many of the boxes crushed by our previous move, boxes that never got unpacked in 2 1/2 years. We even happened to pass him a few times on the road, and stopped at the same rest area for lunch so chatted for a little while. Not that I could hear my phone ring in the car, but he also called to warn us about some impending road construction while he was ahead of us. I have no desire to participate in another cross-country move any time soon, but he's the go-to guy if change rears its difficult head at us again.

Moving also meant new discoveries. When Lori moved a shelf in our old living room, she found a mummified frog, a remnant of the frosty winter we had in Florida.

We had a few stowaways, lizards that haven't quite come to terms with the sudden temperature shift. One hitched a ride inside the rim of my potted rosemary bush, and the other managed to stow away inside Lori's desk. It was 95 degrees the day our movers packed the truck down in Florida, and the last few days here have been in the low 40's with rain and hail. Sucks to be cold-blooded, apparently. Though I'll take lizards over ~~cockroaches~~ "palmetto bugs" any day.

Made our first meal in the new kitchen last night, herb-stuffed chicken breasts with a roasted beef marrow risotto. Worked out very nicely, though I still need to fine-tune the location of some of the more popular utensils. Oh, and we still need to find the box with all of our flatware.

The dammit is transitioning as well as can be expected, he seems to recall quite well what the bark collar does. He may have a few more bouts of collar-wearing until he figures out on his own that there's nothing to bark at (except the giant squirrels). Hopefully he figures that out before he figures out the battery's been dead for three years.

And after more than a month spent sleeping in rented beds, air mattresses and the floor, I'm glad to be back in my own bed again, this time for more than a few days at a crack. And despite Lori's flagrant use of earplugs for dramatic effect, I know she missed my snoring over the last month. I'm sure of it. Just ask her. No, wait, don't ask. Just trust me, she's fine with it.

Really.

Movin' movin' movin', keep them doggies movin'

2010-05-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

When all is said and done, I think my hide may end up being raw, as well.

This is the week of the big move. The 'entrust all you own to someone who did a great job last time, but still worry that it won't get there' move. The 'don't forget something, because you'll never see it again' move.

And Florida's weather is cooperating nicely, achieving 95% humidity and 95 degrees every day. The mutant Cuban tree ~~monkeys~~ frogs were out last night. Thanks for helping me not miss you, ~~America's Wang~~ Sunshine State.

We are, as I may have mentioned, Ohio-bound. This will be a long but worthwhile week for us, as we caravan to the new home 1100 miles away.

Talk amongst yourselves. I'll be back soon, I've been working on a quiz for a while, but given as I don't have time to moderate my comments or reply to everyone's witticisms, it seems best to let that go for now. Sad, since I've just hit 50 readers, and now there's no content-rich posts for them to read.

But hey, you could use the free time too, I imagine. Consider it a gift.

Some Reflections on Business Travel

2010-04-26T08:00:00.004-04:00

Friday night, I arrived home, late, on my last commercial flight in the forseeable future. We move in ten days, to a place driving-distance from family and friends. No security lines, weight limits, narrow seats or mucus-filled oldsters. As such, this trip made every effort to stick in my mind for a long time. Let's talk about some of the highlights.

I've never had problems with hotel rooms since they started offering non-smoking rooms. However, I managed to wake my first morning with a glorious glowing rash on my chest. I'm quite happy it didn't appear elsewhere, and very happy it went away after a few days, but I don't think they're using enough ammonia and arsenic in their detergent, since I still had skin.

And I know housekeeping is dealt a difficult, thankless task, making the room appear new every day. However, if I take the velour decorative pillow off the bed and hide it in the corner, it is not necessary for you to put it back on the bed every day. If I move the coffee table into the opposite corner, instead of in the middle of my path, it is not necessary to replace it to perfect shin-contusing feng-shui position every day when I go out. And I am eco-conscious. Not always eco-friendly, as evidenced by my rental car, but at least conscious. You do not have to throw away my drinking cup every day and replace it with a new one by the coffee machine, leaving me to realize once the aspirin are dissolving in my mouth that I have to find a new one and extract it from the military-grade plastic bag in which it is contained.

I will say that the desk staff at the hotel are great, and after spending 14 nights there in the last 25 days, they know me by name.

And yes, I had a "grand" time in my g-man car for the week. I'd love to tell you I got some wonderful 7 MPG or something, but since the car didn't have a trip odometer, I can only guess. I still can't get over the size of the trunk on this thing, but while I like lots of storage space, it sours me some when I have to lift it back out, over a two-foot ledge. On the plus side, my car didn't burst into flames on the interstate. The same cannot be said for the pickup truck 1/4 mile ahead of me on said interstate. I've never seen flames shoot from a car, and that they were shooting down and licking up between the cab and bed, where the driver and passenger were unaware of them, only made it more interesting.

I may have mentioned, some time back, that I was felt up by a security guard at the Tampa airport. Hey, my sex appeal knows no bounds. However, as if I didn't already know I needed to lose some weight, I was again given the special privilege of entering the glass box at Akron-Canton Airport, and having my tummy-tum felt up with a little too much excitement by a man with a bad '70's mustache.

At least I didn't get the extra-special double-secret security check in the back room, like the young woman behind me in line. She emerged from security sobbing and red-faced, fumbling for her cell phone, surely to call mommy and daddy. Amateur travelers. Gotta love 'em.

We hit what was the most turbulence I've encountered in 18 years, and I was afraid to even take an in-flight beverage. Because bad things could happen.

I have one more business trip this week, but at least I get to drive my own car. I assume it won't burst into flames. I also assume I won't get felt up. But hey, the week's still young.

Trendy? Me?

2010-04-21T18:00:00.004-04:00

**Author's note. My apologies, this was originally scheduled for 8:00 this morning, but it never published.

So I've never been a trendsetter, nor have I ever been a follower. I've kind of made my own way, and nobody seems to care what that is one way or the other.

But if putting fried eggs on bacon cheeseburgers is a trend, haul me up onto that bandwagon, baby!

I'm up in the greater Cleveland area again this week, and eating restaurant food far more often than I should. By chance last evening, I found the B Spot. Beer, brats, burgers, bologna (fried), it's quite the place. How often do you go someplace that has a pickle bar? Not often enough, in my opinion. Pickled onions, green tomatoes, spicy pepper relish, hot sweet pickle chunks, garlic dills and house-recipe ketchup. Fresh rosemary on the crispy sliver-cut fries. Yolk running down my fingers and commingling with juices from a truly rare burger.

(Really, dark pink, soft and beefy, just the way a burger was meant to be.)

I was surprised, during my meal, to look down at the paper holding my fries to see Chef Michael Symon's name on the logo. I knew he opened a few more restaurants since my last major visit to the city. But this was a sight to behold. An entire page of beers, many of them on draft? Pulled pork and pickled jalepenos on fries, the midwestern answer to the nacho? A vanilla bean apple pie BACON milkshake?

I'm not a fan of 'celebrity', of style over substance, but I have to say, I like what I'm seeing and I want more. I'm ready to take back most of the less-than-kind words I may have had for Chef Symon in the past. Only time will tell.

Oh, and an amusing rental car anecdote, for those of you who can't get enough of it. Monday night at the restaurant, I caught sight of a car behind me, out of the corner of my eye, as I was pulling gracelessly into a parking space. When I turned my head, it was gone. But, convinced I must have missed it, and concerned that I might back up to straighten my park job and strike someone's beloved automobile, I looked again.

The Grand Marquis is so sporking big, so...damn...huge, that I mistook my own rental car in my peripheral vision for AN ENTIRELY SEPARATE VEHICLE.

Gee. Thanks, Enterprise. Way to make me look forward to Friday.